USB to Brain
The USB2B (Universal Serial Bus to Brain) is the latest advancement in USB technology, following in the footsteps of USB 1.0, 2.0 and 3.14, allowing users to transfer data to and from the human brain with minimal fuss.
Technical Details[edit]
The USB2B uses a Massive-A plug, and unlike previous USB technology, only one Pin. This pin carries data from your brain to your home computer system, video games console, digital camera, even another brain. The pin socket is externally powered. A special brain-to-brain power adapter is available.
Installation of the pin socket to the human skull is still an experimental surgery. The procedure requires about four hours, and includes installation of a grommet in the skin to prevent closure, drilling a hole in the skull and mounting the socket, and wiring the socket to the various neural receptors.
Successes[edit]
The USB2B's success stems largely from a television and movie advertising campaigns.
- The Matrix staring Keanu Reeves and Hugo Weaving - a campaign spanning 4 years and attracting at least 13 people towards the USB2B.
- The Andromeda TV series - a campaign where Harper (Gordon Michael Woolvett) and other engineers use their USB2Bs to work inside virtual computer hardware.
Failures[edit]
The USB2B was not without failure, however. There were numerous cases of brains overloading, as portrayed in an anti-USB2B advertising campaign, Johnny Mnemonic, also staring Keanu Reeves due to his falling out with a group of USB2B users over whether it was actually right to make a man and machine hybrid.
There are reports of severe brain damage when downloading large sections of the Intarweb. One notable exception is Oprah who managed to download the Google Video Cache of all daytime soap operas and infomercials. Although Oprah survived, she gained weight and had permanent brain damage as a result. She later had the USB2B interface removed to prevent a potential threat of theft of data regarding childhood experiences.
Another concern is USB2B malware circulating on porn sites. Although most USB2B porn sites provide pleasurable experiences, a few nefarious sites some sites are known to cause harm if experienced while masturbating. Common attacks include:
- Cause blindness
- Cause acne to grow on the hands
- Stunt growth
- Cause infertility
- Install STDs (unverified)
Original Uses[edit]
The developers described their intention as follows:
“We wanted everybody to be able to enjoy documentaries and other boring, um, intellectually stimulating and educational content. We absolutely didn't want to enjoy porn, video games, and movies. Well, maybe it crossed our mind, er, no. We only intended for audiences to enjoy the highest quality sexua... er, se.. um, superbly educational content.”
Some experts disagree with the stated intentions. Many believe that instead of being designed to educate youth, it was actually intended to spread Communism and French ideology. Others believe that the device was found at Area 51 and smuggled out by Harry Carrey and others claiming to have developed the device.
Unintended Uses[edit]
As the device has increased in popularity, individuals discover new and interesting ways to use the technology.
Any use other than intellectual growth is officially prohibited, but most USB2B purchasers disregard the restriction.
“USB2B porn is addictive. I should know. Especially when enjoying S&M scenes.”
Other popular uses include
- Free access to The Matrix
- Virtually garrote baby Whales
- Tripwire
- A Miracle Whip (in S&M porn)
- Murdering classmates in custom Quake levels designed to look like public schools