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Species Homo scoopulous
Endangered Status 90% chance of extinction
Size 12-42 inches
Weight 5-500 lbs.
Population Size 4,055-4,056
Color White, however unablino variations have been discovered
Common Names Homo, Transvestite Midget Retard, TMR, TMT, Uggums, Triggers
Origins Glasgow, Ireland, and Crete, Greece.
Discovered in Approx. 1200s AD
Current Leader Oompan

Commonly described as mentally disabled gender indeterminent dwarves, Transmidgetards are a species of animal that closely resembles a dwarfed human. They originate from Crete, Greece, and Glasgow, Ireland. What makes their anatomy special is their height and a slit found near the waist. It is from here that the Transmidgetard will "excrete" their waste. Also, it should be noted that the Transmidgetards have no anal fissure, because their digestive systems have no need for the anus. Transmidgetard enzymes do absolutely nothing for the body. Cell size is completely random, although mainly .000001 of an inch in diameter. Their digestive systems are quite unique in that instead of possesing an anus, the digestive system ends at the large intestine, where waste is scooped out with a Transmidgetard's own personal spoon. The Transmidgetard Spoon bears a resemblence to a large salad spoon, and is made of normal wood (oak or birch), and coated with Teflon, so that a Transmidgetard's waste does not adhere to the spoon. The spoon is also a Transmidgetard's first line of defense. By flinging their waste, most predators are fended off. The Transmidgetard's natural enemies are deer and frogs, which both have an unquenchable thirst for Transmidgetard blood.


Transmidgetard reproduction is achieved when the Transmidgetard dies. The Transmidgetard will continue to excrete waste, and eventually, a new Transmidgetard will emerge from the pile of waste, using the deceased Transmidgetard's spoon. The old Transmidgetard will cease to exist. Transmidgetard population, interestingly, remains exactly the same at all times. This is partly because every Transmidgetard must have a six letter name, and no two Transmidgetards may have the same name. Therefore, if more than 4,056 (the number of six letter name possibilities) Transmidgetards are born, the "extra" must be sacrificed to the Transmidgetard god Winche.


The Transmidgetards lived in total harmony for thousands of years, until in 1992, when it was reported that Oompan, a native Transmidgetard, raped and murdered a 90 year old woman in a bathroom in Los Angles International Airport. The case lasted four years, because three times the trials were declared a mistrial because of the contempt of court by Oompan. (He threw feces at the judge and members of the jury). Eventually, in the landmark Supreme Court case of "State of California vs. Oompan", the justices voted 5-2 in California's favor, arresting Oompan and confiscating his spoon. Many protests by FEMA and other Transmidgetards occured, until the Transmidgetards declared War on the United States on December 5th, 1996. The war lasted 4 days, due to the Transmidgetard's inferior military. As part of the surrender clause that Transmidgetard Commander Tookon had to sign, the Transmidgetards promised never to declare war again, and had to destroy all handmade spoons in the their possession. However, it did allow them to carry and use government produced spoons. This all led up to the "Transmidgetard Equality Act of 2002", passed unanimously by U.S. Congress on May 22nd, 2002.

Famous Transmidgetards[edit]

  • Glenn Beck- Fox News Pundit and Retard, discovered to be a hybrid of Human and Transmidgetard. (Note: that in hybrids the gene for normal human height is dominant.)
  • Steevo- Featured in Movies Jackass and Jackass 2
  • Shane Victorino- Underachieving center fielder for the Philedelphia Phillies. Also a hybrid.