The Treaty of Master Blaster's Nelly Mask
Perhaps the most controversial of all the recently de-classified documents to come out of the Second Mole People War of Normal, Indiana, the Treaty of Master Blaster's Nelly Mask is asserted by some to be a clarion call to rebellion by Mole People Forces and by others to be an authoritarian statement of invincibility by the treaty's chief architect Rick "Master Blaster" Schwinn.
Background[edit]
The Mole People had long had a frigid relationship with their surface dwelling counterparts, the human Normal, Indiana population, but it was only with the arrival of the misanthropic and destabilizing Robo Mind Wave 6 that these hostilities were brought to the fore. Robo Mind Wave 6's waves of automoton robo-zombies (nee humans) and his hijacking of Normal's computer infrastructure led surface humans to start depositing their trash underground, thus angering the Mole People and awakening age old hostilities. The Mole People were not angry for the inconvenience of mass dumpings of corpses, wrecked automobiles, and human feces (indeed, they thrive off such "trash"), but rather for the unceremonial manner with which these valuable commodities were discarded. The Mole People have a rich and spiritual culture and the surface dweller's disregard for this beautiful creation is what incensed Mole People the most.
The Mole People fought long and they fought hard, but in the end were able to declare only a draw against their hated foes. They did, however, win several concessions from them. The surface dwellers were forced to once again begin paying their yearly tribute (consisting of the fairest virgin maiden, who would go down into the depths to live and breed with the Mole People) and for embattled Normal, Indiana Mayor Jon Walker to cut off his own penis, and in front of his constituents, eat it. The Mole People, for their part, were required to issue an apology for starting the war.
Mole People Fuhrer Hans "The Hitman" Moleman found this admission of guilt to be an outrageous and humiliating punishment and swore vengeance on the residents of Normal, Indiana, but the Normal residents just laughed at him and his stupid Charlie Chaplin lookin' mustache.
The Second Mole People War was begun as the result of long-simmering animosities, fanned into flame by the Fuhrer Moleman and totally lit on fire by the stupid, stupid actions of Rick "Master Blaster" Schwinn. Let me tell you something about Rick. He is an idiot! This guy, and everyone will tell you it's true, was a total loser before the apocalypse fell on Normal, Indiana. He was the general manager of Honda Motors but he only got the job because his dad was good friends with the owner. Anyway, after the arrival of Robo Mind Wave 6 and the apocalypse, Rick decides it would be really cool if he started dressing up like Master Blaster from the Mad Max movie and riding around on his ZX Crotch Rocket throwing molotov cocktails at people and raping and murdering at will. Yeah, real cool Rick. So anwyay, he starts this motorcycle gang, and starts driving everybody nuts. At some point, the Mole People (who are very sensitive to sound) get tired of all those damn motorcycles roaring around up on the Surface, and they start the Second Mole People War. So thanks a lot, Rick. Also, Rick is a fucking dumbass because he wears a hockey mask like Lord Humungous from The Road Warrior, not Master Blaster, thank you very much.
The Second Mole People War caused mass casualties on both sides and was only put to rest with a ceremonial disengagement known as "The Last Dying" wherein two representatives from both sides are required to commit suicide to heal the divisions between their peoples and settle the score on equal terms.
The Treaty, and the Future[edit]
The Treaty of Master Blaster's Nelly Mask appears to be a statement of Rick "Master Blaster" Schwinn's power and "lordship over all above and some of the stuff that's below," as that is what the document says. Some scholars maintain, however, that this phrase was inserted by a Mole People spy and that, if read properly, is in fact contrary in spirit to Master Blaster's intentions for area domination. For instance, much of the document is saracastic and some of it appears to directly call Master Blaster a "bag of shit." Master Blaster, for his part, contends that he is not.
The debate rages on, and the important thing to remember is that The Treaty of Master Blaster's Nelly Mask, though controversial, is certaintly not the last word in the ongoing surface dweller-Mole People-Robo Mind Wave 6 conflict that has plagued the residents of Normal, Indiana.