The Laws of Horror

If you find yourself being chased by an insane killer, a monster or even a hoard of zombies, The Laws of Horror is a list of things will ALWAYS happen and there is absolutely no way to prevent them. Even if the movie ends or your predicament is over all of the things on this list will eventually come to be. So even if you use magic to kill the monster (which is the ONLY way to kill them in less than 1 and a half hours) they will come back for you and kill you in the way originally intended. By the way premonitions are definitely magic and there are ALWAYS consequences to using magic as stated by law XVII.

Description

This is not a survival guide in any sense it is simply a way for you to determine exactly what your actions should be if you end up in a horror situation. These laws have been put in place by years of Horrology studies in the Study for the Disaster Inclined which is off of Mulberry Street and near by Elm Street, but if you end up at Camp Crystal Lake then you've gone too far. So to avoid a rip in the time space continua we urge you to always follow the following rules when ever you are:

• running from zombies
• being chased by werewolves
• hypnotized by vampires
• stalked by psychotic killers
• haunted by ghosts
• mauled by aliens
• creeped upon by the Creeper
• followed by monsters
• or dissected by a mad scientist

The Laws

• I. Law (*notes about following)
  • a. list of things it applies to *exceptions/notes -exceptions/notes 2
    • *exception example(s)
    • -exception example(s)

• Note 1: the exception goes to the corresponding superscript note as indicated by symbol preceding the note/exception
• Note 2: If no examples are given for the thing it is applied to then there are far too many examples to count
• Note 3: If there are no exceptions but still examples or if the symbol does not correspond to anything then it is simply a lesser known item on the list and needs proof

• I. You will die if you are … *in order of when person will die
  • a. fat
  • b. black if you are a main character you will probably die later *are exceptions -If you are relevant to the plot you will die in a cool/heroic way
    • * Deep Blue Sea
    • * Legion
  • c. the hot girl but you are not the main character *you will trip/injure yourself right before you are killed
  • d. injured *are rare exceptions
    • * Have seen one before just can’t remember the name
  • e. a minority *are exceptions -If you are relevant to the plot you will die in a cool/heroic way #You might die in a lame way if you are a henchman of a sub villain or main villain
    • * No movies known yet
    • - Zombie Strippers
    • # Blood Surfing
  • f. infected *are extremely rare exceptions
    • * Shaun of the Dead
  • g. a henchman
  • h. a teacher
  • i. wandering off alone
  • j. lost
  • k. a slut/manwhore
  • l. stuck up
  • m. a complainer/bitchy
  • n. dumb
  • o. a know it all
  • p. having sex/soon after you have sex
  • q. fully reveal your boobs/penis
    • * Blood Surfing
  • r. in/was in the army
    • * The Mist
  • s. making out with someone alone most likely that person will also die
  • t. bounded down/stuck
  • u. infected with some kind of disease or are any kind of zombie
  • v. unable to speak English
    • * Catacombs
  • w. bitching out
    • * Final Destination Series
  • x. or have been high/drunk *May be in an ironic way
    • * Simon Says
  • y. a cop and are not the main character
    • * Beast Within, The Crazies
  • z. trying or have tried to kill someone that is not infected
  • aa. a coward
  • bb. rude
  • cc. creepy
  • dd. a pervert
  • ee. very morbid/goth
  • ff. ugly (less good looking than other characters)
  • gg. willing to or do screw someone else over
  • hh. bitten at any point
  • ii. nerd but not main character
  • jj. gay (homosexual)
    • * Mulberry Street
  • kk. a zombie stripper
    • * Zombie Strippers
  • ll. a jerk
  • mm. an ongoing cock block to the main character
  • nn. the main character’s best friend *you will live (sort of) if it is a horror comedy
    • * Shaun of the Dead
  • oo. deformed in any way shape or form
  • pp. the monster/killer
  • qq. a tragic hero

• Note 1: You will ALWAYS die if you are in the Saw Franchise or the Final Destination Franchise
• Note 2: In all situations you might come back from the dead however you will eventually be re-killed

• II. Even if you are not in the above list you will most likely die
• III. If the killer has spotted you and starts chasing you are doomed*Unless you are the main character

• Notes: If you are a blonde teenage girl you must trip at least once injuring yourself in the process

• IV. It is NEVER a good idea to go near the recently deceased (or assumed deceased)

• Notes: However regardless of the situation you always will

• V. When there is a scream or a scary sound the only possible reaction is to head straight for it
• VI. Killers are immune to being fatally stabbed or shot
• VII. If there is an easy way out you must ignore it or face what must be obvious certain doom
• VIII. You will always leave the keys in the ignition or else you will lose them
• IX. When given the choice between:
  • a. A well lit area
  • or
  • b. The dark area with a flickering light
  • You will always choose choice b

• Note: if you don’t you will surely be met with certain doom

• X. Every virus is always automatically an STD/KTD
  • KTD: Kissing transmitted disease

• XI. Even though the police will never believe the truth you must always tell it
• XII. Nobody ever hears your screams
• XIII. Ghosts are never real until they attack you
• XIV. The chances of your survival are in direct correlation to your boobs, the bigger the better *Unless they are unreasonably big or they are fake
• XV. Even if a treasure is cursed you have to steal it
• XVI. All survives must be fairly good looking
• XVII. However being too hot is a crime with a death sentence
• XVIII. Magic, no matter how useful, will inevitably lead to your demise
• XIX. No matter what anyone says you should always have various weapons laying around your house
• XX. However you yourself may never use the weapons as actual weapons

• Notes: You are permitted however to pick up the gun without ammo or that is jammed to add cruel irony

• XXI. You can never have a cell phone will you, unless it gets no service
• XXII. Always scream while you are running
• XXIII. You must always go looking for your missing friend, even if there is a murderer
• XXIV. Even if creatures are following you at a limping pace you have to run as fast as you can
• XXV. Children never die, they may go poof, but they are immortal and must have gone to get some candy or to get some rest *Exceptions
  • * Alien vs. Predator 2
• XXVI. Jails are completely inadequate and will never contain the psycho murderer after you
• XXVII. Police can never help you, but someone always asks
• XXVIII. There is most certainly not a script and a killer’s actions are always completely unpredictable
• XXIX. There is no such thing as an indestructible door or building
• XXX. The screaming down the hall is only people rehearsing for a part *As proven in Toolbox Murders
• XXXI. Never suspect that creepy guy
• XXXII. Everyone always listens to the crazy lady *As proven in The Mist
• XXXIII. Being in a scary/creepy environment automatically makes the two best looking people extremely horny
• XXXIV. If a girl appears to be drunk and horny at a bar she is actually a rat person *As proven by Mulberry Street
• XXXV. If a person disappears the only logical explanation are either ghosts or monsters
• XXXVI. When hit by a car a person will explode like a water balloon *As proven by Cabin Fever 2
• XXXVII. No matter where you are cut blood will gush out of you like a water hose
• XXXVIII. Regardless of the height or speed of a fall/trip there will be a bone popping out of your leg
• XXXIX. You are required by law to state out loud the exact path you will be taking before you take it
• XL. If you start out a virgin you must remain a virgin or be killed
• XLI. All forms of communication other than talking are forbidden *Unless you are a trained soldier as proven by 28 Weeks Later
• XLII. If you are a man, regardless of who dies you must keep on moving like nothing happened, unless your love interest dies in which case you have to kamikaze by running directly towards the threat. If you are important you’ll always live and your love interest will automatically be healed.
• XLIII. Armor will never help you anymore than tissue paper will
• XLIV. If you are a girl and the main character always go out by yourself and investigate EVERYTHING that happens
• XLV. Writing all over your skin is far better than using paper, even if it is crazy symbols *As proven by Toolbox Murderers
• XLVI. Even when walls are thin as paper no one will hear your screams and even when they do they never come to your aid in time *Unless you are the main character
• XLVII. The best way to look at something is to put your face right up to it
• XLVIII. If a claw/hand appears from nowhere and kills you or your buddy no one will question it
• XLIX. If you are a vampire you must make outrageously stupid faces *As proven by Salem’s Lot
• L. At some point in the movie someone will fall through a trap door or an old board
• LI. Always use the stairs if you are being chased
• LII. Always use the elevator if you are not being chased but there is an insane killer known to be lurking somewhere nearby
• LIII. Even when there has been hundreds of reports of murder or death in a particular area you and your group must visit it
• LIV. The best place to park your car for a make out session is at the top of a cliff about 10 yards for a cemetery *as proven by Dance of the Dead
• LV. The only way to cure being a zombie is a bullet to the head, there will NEVER be an antidote
• LVI. The only way to cure being a vampire is to be in sun light until you catch on fire and then immediately extinguished *as proven by Daybreakers
• LVII. The very first explanation of the current predicament is always the right one
• LVIII. No one will ever believe the first explanation immediately
• LIX. The only way to successfully kill the psychotic murderer is to complete destroy their body
• LX. Every insane killer is always an expert at hiding every trace of forensic evidence
• LXI. When looking for a person you have to yell and scream
• LXII. Every psycho has complete access to an entire arsenal of weapons
• LXIII. Every urban legend about a murderer is always true
• LXIV. The murderer is also secretly a ninja and is capable of taking your friend even if their right behind you
• LXV. If you fall into a hole even if the killer is right above you he cannot jump through the same hole
• LXVI. When your girlfriend starts rambling on about voodoo magic they are always 100% correct
• LXVII. The killer is always a guy
• LXVIII. The crazy old man never actually ends up being the killer
• LXIX. Every melee weapon can only be used once before being discarded
• LXX. There is no way to absolutely assure that you will live, unless you are the main character, but even then you sometimes die, most of the time though you will be saved at the absolute last second.

Concluding Notes

If you would like to learn more please watch the documentaries that our lying government has relabeled as "Horror Movies." And please what ever you do don't be that guy that decides to see if the space time continua will really rip, we don't need another repeat of our last incident... I still can't believe noone would believe us that all the votes were sucked into another dimension. It resulted in our biggest mistake... Bush.