The Gauldry
A Brief Touristy Summary[edit]
The Gauldry, originally known as Gauldry, resides in North Fife, Scotland, despite locals refusing this status. This refusal is partly down to having some English residents and the refusal to recognise the name 'Fife' as it refers to a small flute. The preferred musical instrument is a combination of the accordian and the bag pipes, although very few locals have the lung capacity for filling an accordian.
A giant satellite of Peacehill Farm, this sprawling connurbation claims to be famous for being windy and 'an inconvenient slowing down whilst travelling to Newburgh'.
Addition of 'The' in the name, was accredited after the flattening of the other Gauldry in 1910, which was very far away. The name changed in the 1980s and accreditation took so long, as the victorious Gauldrionians took a long time to walk home.
The Geology And History[edit]
Perched on a rocky outcrop, called Gallow Hill, Gauldry disrespects neighbouring Balmerino with its ingratitude, despite Balmerino saving the metropolis from falling into the River Tay. Gallow Hill is a big hill, which is rumoured to have served as a place to hang Newporters on. This stretches back to the early 1990's, when the Wormit Rebellion took place. Residents from the suburb of Newport were refused Royal recognition of city status, which Wormit and Gauldry both enjoy favourably. This was ruled legally at the time by Magistrats Of Wormit Tennis Club, who successfully argued that "Newport is not ON the Tay, but is infact mostly NEAR it". Trespassers to Wormit from the satellite village of NOT were often forced into labour camps and served honey until they were addicted. Soon resorting to crime, to serve their habit, NOTers, were forced on the 77 bus, up the hill to The Gauldry for sentencing.
A neighbouring hill was named Coconut Hill after the war of 1986, in which disenchanted villagers from the neighbouring Kilmany threw imported fruit at passing Gauldrionians. The allegation that this hill was the shape of a local clown's head and the name was derived from this, has been dispelled frequently.
Indeed Kilmany was named so after a bloody war with the Gauldrionians.
In 1962, early residents of The Gauldry strategically threw dung down the Gallow Hill at the villagers, instead of selling them honeypots. (See Battle Of The Bee Juice)
The style of New Wave music was born in The Gauldry, when residents from the housing scheme recently built between the city and Kilmany stood behind their fences and waved to mock the folk doon the hill, played repetitive music and dancing to the resentment of Kilmanians. A peaceful time arrived after 1991, when the honey from bees, allegedly stolen from Wormit before the bee hive factories were closed down by Beeching, allowed Gauldry to export a synthetic and highly addictive Methadone substitute. (note:- Beeching was attempting to close one of the Wormit escape routes and the Ratty Tunnel, but got lost)
It is thought that the close links with Wormit (often indicated in signage as 'VOMIT'), are due to historic trapping of bees for forced labour to provide honey. (New Wave music was played to pan-pipe them into boxes. Often the honey is used to assist in the resurfacing of potholes that arise from the fatter buses that populate the Gutchers.
The Motray Burn is either a form of punishment, which results in smooth skin on your arms, or a feeling gained when you drink the local water.
The Gauldry also has atleat one nuclear fallout shelter. Fortunately no nuclears have fallen out of the shelter, despite their age. There is also a very small sewage farm. It is doubtful residents know where the sewage they farm is sold, or indeed how they harvest it, or even transport it. Fortunately, it is far enough away from the current houses for anyone to remotely care.
Popular Features[edit]
There is a shop. Before the invention of Timmy Tesco, this local shop was run by an Englishman. He did rather well, despite competition from the national supermarket chain. The national supermarket was burned down during the Great War Of Wormit.
The shopkeeper has been replaced by a part-English family who are wishing to get out of the shopkeeper industry, oddly because the locals still refer to the shop as 'Mikes'. Mike can indeed often be seen counting roses and smiling, whilst brandishing seceteurs. This deters Newporters from visiting. There are rumours the Wormiteers did not bomb the supermarket.
The Gutchers is a brutal wynding clifftop road, where many a hubcap, tyre and suspension arm has come a cropper. Potholes on this road are tourist attractions, with bus tours and pot-holing regularity. Several traffic cones have disappeared into the holes surrounding this precarious street, as have small children and plastic bags. The plastic bags sometimes emerge after years of darkness, attaching themselves to neighbouring fence posts. Small children do climb out of the holes, but this is reportedly just to buy cider and shout at passing buses.
Vehicles that fall off the cliff edge are eaten by cows in neighbouring fields, as a rare treat. The corpses of the drivers can never be found in these fields.
West of the city, is Murphys. Not a beer venting premises, but a business that profits well on the Gutchers' victims, repairing wherever possible, the violent harm suffered by the innocent motorist on one of Scotland's most dangerous roads. Murphs is the westerly most sentry building, ensuring by way of guard dog and trained giraffes, that escapees of the nearby Fincraigs Prison do not wander into the village with all limbs intact.
A beer vending premises does exist slightly further down the hill, in The Gauldry Arms. The name harks back to the years of war with neighbouring Kilmany and the riots of Fincraigs. Indeed, AK4s are still permitte within the premises, but are only allowed alcohol if accompanied by an adult. Coconuts and laughing are banned (see Coconut Hill ) A visit to this establishment is boasted to cure slight depression. Although, former sufferers who have attended this clinic, regularly report manic depression.
NB:- Much to the disappointment of local men, 'The Gauldry Legs' closed years ago.
Morison Duncan Hall was named after a bloke called Duncan who worked at a supermarket. He is recognised for the ingenuity of inventing the un-floodable football pitch. This pitch neighbours the hall and the shop and many efforts to floodlight the pitch have failed. Mr.Duncan's unfloodable pitch clearly resists water and electricity very well.
A playpark has recently been refitted by Fife Council, which resides 20 miles away in a town named after Glen Rothes. New features include a beer garden, Oil refinery and a Rifle Range. Under 5 bowling takes place in the summer. A new softer synthetic surface has been added, as several under 5's suffered bruising when being bowled, previously.
Recycling Facility fitted to the back of Duncan's hall means bicycles need never be scrapped again.
The Kingdom Of Newburgh Milk Race often passes through the village at speed. Stragglers are mugged and the milk is enjoyed with a jar or two of honey.
Pitmossie Place, on the main road, is named after a type of fish, which people from Balmerino throw into the village from the city boundary wall, but only when empty honey jars land in their territory.
Maryknowe is a photo kept in the pub, which shows clearly how she has aged. The more beautiful Marythen is kept in the local hall for posterity. This may contribute to the well recognised depression suffered.
Technology[edit]
The Gauldry is not as famous as it should be, as the LASER was invented there. In 1986, a laser was used to communicate 'Are you receiving this message' by using a morse code on a laser beam. In order to verify the message was received, the person transmitting it cycled to the other side of The Gauldry to check if it had arrived. Sadly, his friend was not watching and the laser beam had come and gone before he got there, so the technology was never adopted.
Entertainment[edit]
'G' In The Woods was a festivity where locals danced naked until daylight, when clothes had to be adorned, incase visiting Newporters were too alarmed. People travelled from as far as Dundee, although they may have had to travel around Newport to get there. Later efforts to rekindle the pagan festival, such as P in the Playpark and Y In The World did not have the same level of recognition.
Another crude form of entertainment is 'skimming', which involves checking if passing cars have more than four people in them. If they do, they are fair game for one of them being eaten.
Computer Hackers[edit]
In 2010 several hackers were traced through Poland and Lithuania, aswell as Newport and Dundee, to Gauldry. It appears that several thousand honey jars changed hands on an illegal market, due to the hacking attempts. The hackers were imprisoned in neighbouring Fincraigs, where broadband, indeed any form of electronic communication is physically impossible. Other hacking reputed to come from Gauldry is the 2009 wormit Bowling Club Pension Fund scandal and the Newport phone tapping scandal. Hackers InterNational Guild Investigations Network, Gauldry (HINGING for short) denied this came from the city and instead blamed the seagulls nesting on local telegraph poles for causing interference. The phone taps discovered, were very shiny and sold on to a local plumber.
Industry[edit]
The city is proud to house several building and construction compaines. House builders, Kitchen fitter, electricians, tilers, plasterers, painters, alarm companies all reside there. Historically, the industry would have become strong after the damage caused in the Kilmany Wars of the 20th Century.
Farming has produced several local politicians and again history has ensured that the local farmers and to liaise with warring neighbours aswell as the City Of Gauldry. The practice locally has resulted in 3 local farmers reaching the dizzy heights of The Big Coonsil Of Holyrood.
Politics[edit]
Entreched in local society is the strength of political movement. Motray Ward, the smaller wing of Netherlea Hospital is home to several retired councillors and politicians from Gauldry. The political geo-boundary was named after this hospital ward, due to the tendency for retired politicians at the age of 43, to require 'extra care'.
Speeding[edit]
A term referring to many people driving through the city, although fumes from bee excrement may be causing a similar illegal high. Recent speed traps have been mostly unsuccessful, only managing to trap a local resident and some emigrating geese. Speeding is counter-productive, as pot-holes often cross the road without looking and get run over.
The View[edit]
Several houses in the city enjoy The View across the River Tay. The View can be seen at festivals around the world and enjoyed on the stereographic radio too.
The View are NOT Dogs Die In Hot Cars.
Housing Market[edit]
The locals of The Gauldry are ingenious in their message to outsiders - several houses have been for sale for years, with no chance of outsiders buying them. The prices are artificially high, to prevent outsiders flitting here. The houses remain on sale, to mock outsiders only.
Other wars[edit]
The War Of Kilmany saw Montrose and Dundee caught near the original village, by English troops. Both managed to flee North of the river, by using cheap labour in the form of monks from Balmerino Abbey. Abbey did not charge them much, as she was very accommodating. She was after all, from Balmerino. Dundee and Montrose settled across the River Tay, as with Gauldry already growing, Dundee and Montrose could not find enough land for 25,000 more people in Fife.
World War Two saw Gauldry invaded by Zeppelins. This was very disturbing for locals and indeed for the Germans, as they launched some 21 years earlier. A bunker still exists west of the city. The rest of the golf course was blown to smithereens.
Wormit War resulted in The Gauldry building a perimeter around Wormit and partly Newport, disguised cleverly as a railway line. This forced the enemy to traverse The Gutchers road, with many falling to their deaths and to be eaten by cows.
Royal Air Force pilots favoured The Gauldry as a place of residence, as they could fly over their houses in the late afternoon to signal their wives they would be home for tea. (Sadly, this part is not fictitious)
Battle For Coconut Hill was a very violent affair, where only two soldiers liked coconut. They were both killed.
Fincraigs War was a low point in the history of Gauldry (being approx 100ft down the hill). Many had their phone signal die passing through the place. Craig was from Finland, so had little humour.
Neighbours[edit]
Wormit - Otherwise known as Mormit, Wornit and Vomit, is a slightly larger city, hiding behind a railway line and a river.
Newport-On-Tay or NOT as it's sometimes known, is te envious smaller cousin of Wormit. It is also close to Dundee, but they don't share a shower or stuff like that.
Kilmany - Inhabited by river-hugging hobbits and located halway between Dundee and Glen Rothes's house.
Dundee - a pie-munching place, famous for its Three J's (Juice, Jiros and Junkies).
Newburgh, Fife - a small ghost town in the county of Far-Far-Away. Actual characters from Shrek live there.
Cupar - a schizophrenic town, halfway between the posh St.Andrews and Newburgh. It has a chip shop.