G Rated Talking Animal Movie
“I'm an animal, and I don't fit in because I like humans. My parents won't let me leave but I'm going anyway. Whoops the outside world is rough, but I found a human friend. Humans are okay in the end. Humans should protect the rain forest.”
The G Rated Talking Animal Movie is a variety of moralistic children's movie, designed to indoctrinate small children with a sense of empathy for computer-generated talking animals, and a warm familiarity with the soothing voices of Hollywood actors. The typical G Rated Talking Animal Movie adheres very closely to a 79-act structure, which we at Uncyclopedia present to you with no further ado.
Act 1
Jerald the [GIRAFFE] had been raised, all his life, to think, look, and talk like the other [GIRAFFES] in his hive. Slaving day in and day out for The Queen had been good up until this point, but Jerald was a trouble maker. He wasn't satisfied with bringing The Queen extra pollen or digging more tunnels for her anymore. You see, Jerald wasn't any ordinary [CHIPMUNK]. He had bigger dreams. Jerald didn't fit in with any of the other [CHIPMUNKS] the way his friends did. Looking across the African jungle, Jerald knew that there was something better for him.
When he announced his plans to leave for a life of adventure to his mother and father... and The Queen... Jerald got a stern, extremely stern, lecture on the benefits of being a(n) [3-TOED SLOTH].
"We [3-TOED SLOTHS] have been around for billions of years, cleaning up this world. You're not going to survive out there on your own!"
Jerry had heard it all before. "Aw, mom! I'm tired of being a(n) [EARTHWORM]! I want to spread my wings and fly away from here! If I can fly, why can't I just leave?"
"We've been out there! You know what's out there? HUMANS! Humans are ALWAYS fucking with the rain forest! Son, listen, you have to do your [EARTHWORM] duty and help us harvest nuts for the winter!"
Jerald had everything he needed there in the arctic wastelands. If he left this paradise, he would be leaving all of his family behind for good. Jerald wistfully looked out his anthropomorphic house's windows to the great outdoors, and, after a moment of gathering all the courage his tiny, frail little [BRONTOSAURUS] body could muster, made his decision to leave for good.
Act 2
For days and days, Jerald's wings carried him as far as he could. It was no use: it was very hard to escape the comfort and security of his tree hollow. There was very little food for a(n) [MUSHROOM] like Jerald to eat in these parts. His tentacles carried him only a few "feet" farther before he collapsed. If he couldn't find something to photosynthesize within a few hours, his days were numbered.
Jerald woke up in the arms of a strange, soft pink creature. It was a human, the worst of all things ever according to his parental units! Jerald knew the stories from when he was just a little egg in his father's egg-pouch: Humans destroy everything animals hold dear. This human seemed different, however. It cared for him until his broken wing was better. He then heard the humans talking about him...
"How did a(n) [BRIDGE TROLL] get this far out into the desert? I thought they made their homes at the base of tree trunks?" Said the human that had rescued him.
The other human ran his hand across Jerald's shiny coat. "Poor little fella. We'd better keep him for a while."
Jerald perked up at this news, as it had always been his dream as a(n) [AFRICAN HISSING COCKROACH] to be the pet of a human. Jerald had to break the first rule of being a(n) [AFRICAN HISSING COCKROACH] and speak to the humans.
Act 3
When the other human had left, Jerald was alone with the female human who had brought him in. Jerald knew that a talking [WEASEL] might be too disturbing for the human. He had to say just the right things to get the human to like him, otherwise she, being a timid human, might attack and rip right through his plated armor to get to the juicy fat pouches underneath.
Jerald cleared his gills, and began to speak: "Excuse me?"
"Wha- who's there?"
"It's me, the [AIDS VIRUS] you rescued from the desert this morning!"
The human was flabbergasted. "What? No way! That's not possible! [SHIT-EATING BEETLES] can't talk!"
"I can, though. We [BUCK-TOOTH PYGMY LEMURS] are not as dumb as we look. We have a language just like humans! Why shouldn't we? Anyways, adopt me as your friend, and lets have lots of adventures together."
The human's worldview had suddenly been flipped on its head. But she got over her human-centric viewpoint and accepted Jerald as one of her own, but not a pet, dammit. Jerald and the human soon developed a wonderful relationship. Jerald was even able to get a degree! Jerald eventually visited his parents again, and taught them to learn to trust humans. Finally, the rift between humans and [DEEP SEA PHOSPHOROUS TUBORS] was healed. Jerald had learned to trust, while the humans had learned to forgive.
Act 79
The female human stood quivering at the far end of her horrible little city apartment, shaking her bony, malnourished finger at the [GIANT PANDA] that had taken so much from her. She picked Jerald up by his husk and shook him violently in the air.
"YOU COST ME MILLIONS! YOU COST ME EVERYTHING!!"
Jerald, his tentacles flaring his attack colors, simply laughed.
"IS THAT ALL YOU CAN DO YOU DAMN [DEEP SEA PHOSPHOROUS TUBOR]?? SAY SOMETHING TO ME! After twenty miserable, horrendous, pain-filled years of talking to an animal, you at LEAST owe me that!"
Jerald cleared his throat and said slowly, deliberately, "You foolish human! I was planning this for years! ...I USED you to get those millions of dollars! Too bad you followed my investment advice! Muahaha!"
The human blinked, astonished. She shook her head to clear her thoughts, and sighed. "OKAY JERALD, ANSWER ME THIS: Were you the one that took Eric from me?"
Jerald squirmed over to the other side of the room to whisper in her ear, "Yes. It was me that cold night at the Zoo. But now you'll see that I have the gun. You have to leave now." The [RED FOX] held the gun firmly in his giant claws, as his seven prehensile eyes watched the human leave. Jerald then fluttered his wings in triumph, and pooped into his sandbox, also in triumph.
The human female, leaking water from two of the holes in her face, left the apartment, absolutely defeated. It was done. The evil [TRANSLUCENT SEA SPONGE] had finally won.
"Maybe THAT 'll teach 'em to fuck with the rain forest."
Fin.
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