Talk:Hyperdimension Sandwich Maker

This thing needs review!

ive just stuch this on Pee review so I can hopfully improve it soon.....Flare 20:50, 3 December 2008 (UTC)

And now a word from our sponsor, Pee Review!

Humour:	4.3	This is an interesting idea, and yet I am not entirely thrilled with the outcome. Perhaps we should do this section-by-section, like *sniff* Cajek used to make 'em. (Ironic how I'm about to steal Hv's template to do this.) Intro: -7- - Decent opening. 7s are around average, or adequate, and I think that accurately describes your intro. You tell the reader what it is you are going to write about. However, it quickly spins into things I have never heard of, nor do I understand what it is you are even talking about. More on this later. For now, you get a generous 7. Origin: -6- - This is where you begin to lose me. It goes further downhill from here, but I'll start expressing my concern now. I don't know what it is you are talking about here. Maybe it's just because I have never left this planet. However, odds are that your readers have never left this planet, either. My real beef here is the made-up numbers; please don't just mash your head against the number pad to come up with dates. Also, please don't use a fake calendar unless there is a real purpose for it. As far as I am concerned, you could have used a real date and the article would not have suffered in the least. Location: -2- - Very little to no humor value in this section. It's short. It makes no sense. It just looks like you're punching in random numbers again. The article could survive without this section. Function: -5- - Once again, you're just confusing the reader with this. It's too fantastic, too improbable, too ridiculous. I understand that this is the sort of angle you are going for with this, but I'll bust your balls for that later. For now, I'll just bitch about how I still can't really follow this at all. It's a crucial part of the article, and it just seems rambling and abstract. I think you could do much better with this article. Outlets: Where to Eat Hyperdimensional Sandwiches: -4- - I don't have any real complaints for this other than what I've already told you: I don't know where Trantor is. In fact, I don't even think it's a real place. Moving on. Success: -6- - This is...better. I would say that you start out better in this section, and it starts to sound like an advertisement at the end. I think that the first thing you say about it being incredibly time consuming is good, but in the same sentence you say that it is efficient. That is contradictory and leaves me wondering what the hell you're trying to say. I would probably stick with the absurdity of such a device and play up the angle that it is impractical. More on that later. Discoveries: -2- - Ouch. Listcruft. This sucks, and I'll tell you why: it's in list form. Lists are to be used sparingly, my friend, and this is certainly not a case in which it is acceptable to use one. Also, many of the list items just feel like filler. This needs to go. Oh, and I just saw something here at the end: you broke the fourth wall in an article about sandwiches? What the fuck? Don't do that! Breaking the fourth wall is only funny in select situations; this is not one of those times. Contact: -2- - Another section that left me wondering what the hell you just said. Not a great way to end an article. You suddenly go from talking about the machine itself to talking about me as either an employee or a concerned consumer, I can't tell which. Your ending needs to either have a big turnaround or punchline, or it needs to be consistent with the rest of the article. Once again, we'll cover these kinds of issues in the next section.
Concept:	5	Alright, so I think this could be a cool idea, if given some time to develop. This is something you really need to flush out. So I think I could best summarize your current angle for this article with "The Hyperdimension Sandwich Maker is super powerful and spans across the galaxy, making perfect sandwiches along the way." This is okay, but it's not ridiculously funny. Think about this when writing an article: What if someone were to describe my article in one sentence? in one word? in one number? (Ignore that last one, rabbit.) I want to throw a few more ideas at you just to get you thinking. When I first saw this article, I could sort of imagine in my head that this could be about a ridiculously expensive, time consuming, inefficient machine that is inexplicably in operation today. Or, it could be futuristic, and plans are already being drafted by scientists to create this machine after they got food poisoning at a Potbelly's. Perhaps this will be an example of military scientists frittering away their time when they should be working on more important things. Whatever you decide to do, you need to have a definite angle that you're going to stick with. This needs to be funny. If you don't like any of my ideas, that's fine. The purpose of this review is not to give you my ideas, it is merely to get you to think differently. Have yourself a look at HTBFANJS for more ideas and effective humor techniques.
Prose and formatting:	4	Your grammar kinda sucks, buddy. I count more than a few misspellings, some funky sounding sentences, and some awkward word choices. Your spelling leads me to believe that you are using IE, which is one of very few browsers that does not include a spellchecker. If you are, just run this guy through Word and then proofread it again. Proofread this the same way you would if you were turning this in for a grade at school. Uncyclopedia does have standards, believe it or not.
Images:	6	Images are okay. No images of the machine itself, which is disappointing. But that's one tasty looking sammich. I may end up going to make myself a turkey and swiss before this review is over.
Miscellaneous:	4.8	Averaged your scores.
Final Score:	24.1	Overall, I would say that this is an article with potential, but still needs a lot of work. It's not in danger of being deleted any time soon, but it certainly is not ready for feature either. I think that if you give it some serious love, and maybe even an extensive rewrite following this advice, you could make this into a great article. I look forward to seeing the result. Please contact me on my talk page if you have any more questions.
Reviewer:	sirsysrq @ 18:31 Dec 6