Stoke-on-Trent
| Stoke-on-Trent | |
|---|---|
 Stoke-on-Trent city centre viewed from the south of the city. | |
| Motto: "Why, why, why Delilah?" | |
| Civic anthem: 1) "We gotta get out of this place" by the "Animals" 2) "EDL, EDL, EDL!" | |
| State | England |
| Official language(s) | Incoherent/drunken slur |
| Mayor | John Wayne (or some other cowboy) |
| Established | 1700 |
| Currency | Drugs/Oatcakes |
“I went to Stoke-on-Trent once... All I remember is that there were lots of grey, it rained constantly and the cinema was closed.”
Stoke-on-Trent, often referred to as "Stonk-on-Bent" by students or "Smoke-on-Trent" by anyone lucky enough to be outside of its borders, is a city in heart of the English midlands. It is located between Madchester and Birmingham which are both shit holes. The 2001 census recorded the population of Stoke-on-Trent to be complete and utter tanks. However, this figure is only based on the small percent of people who were intelligent enough to fill in the census and were technically minded enough to know how to use the postal system. Stoke-on-Trent is the home of the pot industry which explains why there are so many drug related crimes here.
Etymology[edit]
The word 'Smoke' of the name 'Smoke-on-Trent' derives from the observable layer of thick smoke that overshadows the city, caused by all the pot that is smoked by the inhabitants. The '[up]on Trent' originates from the small, although not so conspicuous, trickle of nephrotoxic "water" that runs through the city, known as the River Trent. Despite being labelled as "water" by the residents, the River Trent is comprised of: 22% fecal matter, 19% urinary excretion, 17% cockroach poison and 35% semen, leaving the remaining 7% as H2O, or water.
Geography[edit]
Stoke-on-Trent is made up of the six towns, Hanley, Stoke, Longton, Fenton, Tunstall and Burslem. In 2009, it was decided that the sign posts in Stoke-on-Trent were too confusing and they would all be replaced with new signs to more accurately describe each town. The new signs will read: Hanley - Shopping Centre; Longton - Grey buildings covered in pigeon shit; Fenton - Derelict; Stoke - Bomb site; Burslem - Red light district; and Tunstall - For sale.
Industry[edit]
Apart from the pot industry,(there are are few remaining bottle kilns -buildings used as opium dens and brothels) Stoke-on-Trent is perhaps famous for its steal industry. (Not to be confused with the steel industry which is a different concept altogether and completely alien to the average "Stokie"). The steal industry in Stoke-on-Trent produces a wide variety of items such as watches, alloy wheels, mobile phones, televisions, cars, motorbikes and pretty much anything else that people may want to get their hands on. Stoke's discovery of electricity (allowing spot lights to be used in homegrown dens to propel growth rate) in the year of 2011 prompted pot-production levels to increase five-fold. As such, this industry has been raised from the majority income sector for Stoke on Trent to an even greater majority income sector, boosting Stoke-on-Trent's GDP (PPP) from £2674 to £4011.
Local pubs and/or off licenses tend to do a high volume of business but don't make much profit due to their low prices. A phrase often heard around Stoke-on-Trent, especially in the bus stations is "Excuse me, can you spare 20p for a pint, please?". These kind of prices are the lowest in the country, but a sad side effect is, so are the profits.
Local people[edit]
Despite being situated in the heart of Britain, the British person with a heart is a minority in Stoke-on-Trent. In fact, humans are a minority. The predominant race, or perhaps species is a more technically accurate term, is the Communus Unemployedus Rex, more commonly know as the chav. They are often found in the bus stations of the city and around the Potteries Shopping Centre. They used to be found inside the Potteries Shopping Centre, but they have now become extinct in this environment, thanks to the ASBO.
However, the domination by chavs is a recent event and 15 or so years ago, they did not exist. Before then, your typical "Stokie" was a flat cap wearing, coal mining, pot smoking, lazy talking, dirty faced, middle aged person who lived in one of the thousands of terraced houses that seem to be very popular in Stoke-on-Trent. These are the people who will argue that they pronounce words such as book, cook and look correctly, even though the rest of the country and indeed English speaking world will tell them that they do not. But then these are the same people who say "Cos kick a bo agen a wo anyed it till yer bost it?" so they are obviously qualified to lecture about how to pronounce words.
Stoke-on-Trent were once famously described in a letter to the local newspaper (the Evening Sentinel) as being populated entirely by masculine women and dog-faced men. This caused great controversy at the time, as none of the inhabitants were certain whether this was an insult or a compliment.
Stokies have something of a delicacy that they like to eat, called an oatcake. Which is basically a pancake, although never say that to a Stokie. Oatcakes are eaten with various filling, usually consisting of cheese and something. Examples are bacon and cheese, sausage and cheese, cheese and mushrooms, cheese and beans, cheese and cheese etc.
Sport[edit]
Stoke-on-Trent has two teams, Stoke City and Port Vale. Stoke City, contrary to the local's belief, is actually a rugby team formerly managed by former Welsh coach Tony "Former" Pulis. Despite Pulis being Stoke's most successful former manager in recent history and his former attempts to blend in with the locals, by wearing his signature baseball cap and tracksuit, the knuckle-draggers of Stoke - who view anyone or anything approaching success with absolute suspicion - still wanted their former, though then current, manager to be formally made former manager.
Stoke's other team, Port Vale, is actually a football team and play at Vale Park. Vale Park itself is like one of those early Geocities or Angelfire websites, perpetually under construction. In honour of this fact they've even tried to emulate that fucking annoying blinky text found on 99.9% of the aforementioned sites with their 1980's style scoreboard. While being viewed as the poor relative Vale Park actually harbours the more intelligent members of Stoke-on-Trents football followers. In an effort to boost attendances Port Vale occasionally hosts an Ale Club, which would explain some of the players' lack of abilities to make crucial decisions, especially when running down the wing.
Stoke also has many good Darts players, with the fat bastards of Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis and the other guy Andy Hamilton. It also has a Speedway team, but no actual speedway. Confusingly the speedway track, called Stoke Speedway, is actually located in the borough of Newcastle under Lyme but was put in a sufficiently shit area (the arse end of an industrial estate) so it didn't feel home sick. Nobody in Stoke has actually been to "Stoke" Speedway to watch any actual speedway racing, rather preferring wanton destruction in the form of Monster Trucks and Banger Racing (which co-incidentally also describes the women of Stoke and the sexual proclivities of the men of Stoke).
Education[edit]
Stoke-on-trent has a leading university, if by leading you assume it contains students who couldn't get into any other university and university if you mean tarted up second rate polytechnic, located in the Shelton area. Affectionately referred to as the Jeremy Kyle university, by those to stupid to get in anywhere else, it also has an entire building on campus dedicated to Heroin. Which is probably why half the students go there anyway.