“We will not toliferate these foody products from Malaysistan.”
“Smatijoves are the sweaty turds on the arse of Uranus.”
A smatijove is a slice of white bread a yard in area, covered completely with a layer of blackcurrant jam. It is a famous Malaysian recipe, and is considered a delicacy across much of Asia.
The smatijove was invented by Kyung Syung Hoy Doo in 1967. It's name derives from the words "Smaea" (Malaysian for "old poop", their name for a blackcurrant) "Tij" (A yard in measurement) and "Hove" (From Spanish "Hovis", meaning "bread", however it's Spanish roots are unconfirmed as of yet). He came up with the idea in a fit of rage after he threw a tub of blackcurrants to the floor, incidentally onto a slice of bread already present on the ground, and proceeded to stamp on it until he noticed the mashed blackcurrants on top of the widely flattened slice of bread. Thus, the smatijove was born.
In Malaysia, it is considered a very strict tradition to eat a smatijove once every twelve hours, on the hour, at 11am and 11pm. Even the children are specially woken up at this time to remain true to the custom. Failure to do so resluts in a twelve-hour curse apparently being placed on the household in which they live, followed by a grisly, unexplained death. It is believed amongst several Malaysian communities that a demon entity named Smataja will take away the offending family, then rape and murder every single one of them.
It is considered the greatest of insults to place an extra slice of bread on top of a smatijove, as sandwiches are banned in many Asian countries. Doing so results in the offender being forced to lick a layer of blackcurrant jam off of their oldest relative's bottom (This may be due to the origins of the word "smaea" to describe a blackcurrant).
Smatijoves across the world
Due to extreme religious beliefs, smatijoves have been banned in America and Europe (excluding the Netherlands) since 1989. It is widely believed that smatijoves were the cause of the devastating three year Bread War (1986-1988), and even today there are still long-running feuds between Americans and Malaysians over bread-related matters.
The most devastating battle to take place during this time was the assault on Malaysia's beachheads on the 666th of June 1987 known as "Bread Day" across the world (or "bidet" for short). This proved to be a major step forward in the ongoing smatijove crisis, but even to this day smatijove extremists in Malaysia will parade the streets on a regular basis shrieking "DEATH TO SMATIJOVE UNBELIEVERS! HAIL SMATAJA, OH SACRED ONE!" whilst holding sacrificial rituals by submerging a subject in scolding lager to appease Him.
- In 1986, two months prior to the war, smatijove creator Hoy Doo was found dead at his home in Bangkok. Results of his autopsy were never released, but it is widely rumoured that he had committed suicide by poisoning his own supply of blackcurrant jam and eating many smatijoves. No trace of his jam supply has ever been found.
- In 2002, renowned American scientist Gillian Westerberg was shot dead outside her house after researching into the links between smatijoves and various other diseases. Her research was destroyed, and her body was never recovered. Notorious smatijove extremist Krung King Hwang was arrested for her murder and is currently serving a life sentence.
- A peace treaty was finally signed between the Presidents of Malaysia and the rest of the world on the night of 5th of November 2007 in Usa, USA. Unfortunately, the Malaysian President was killed in a freak accident when a Super Bomba firework strayed into the hall and hit him directly. This only served to insult Malaysian representatives even more, and the treaty was hastily rejected. The feud continues.
Due to being an illegal product in most countries, it can cost insurmountable levels of cash (and lives) to export them around the world, fetching an average price of $6,000 per slice (roughly £1,200,000,000 in British currency). In Asia, though, they can easily be obtained with the payment of half a bag of rice grains, 2 bronze pieces or a wife. With inflation and global warming expected to rise, they may exceed to a full bag per head, or more simply a McDonalds Happy Meal.
In the Netherlands and many countries in Africa, a smatijove can also be awarded if the customer performs a merry musical number. This could be reason behind why many of the worlds major theatre producers have been known to move to the Netherlands.