RAGBRAI

after a week of heavy drinking riders rush to church

RAGBRAI is the yearly bicycular trek across the state of Iowa. Iowa was chosen because, like the other states of the Midwest it is completely flat, having no hills is ideal for anyone on a bike. Except for the hole of a town that is Sioux City. (If you think Iowa is flat, you ain't seen my doctor, buster! - She has major hills. You also ain't seen Iowa's east coast or west coast. It ain't flat there either!)

RAGBRAI is a major fundraiser for churches and communities who want to raise funds. RAGBRAIers fuel their bikes by inhaling large quantities of food and beer. One of the most popular foods amongst RAGBRAIers is the pork chop. The appropriate cut of pork chop is the Iowa Chop, so named because it is a chop and it is served in Iowa. The most appropriate way to serve the Iowa Chop is on a stick. The most appropriate way to serve any food in Iowa is on a stick. See the Iowa State Fair for the best foods on a stick. Deep Fried Twinkie on a Stick, Egg on a Stick, Deep Fried (almost any kind of candy bar) on a Stick, Chocolate Covered Bacon on a Stick, Dutch Letters on a Stick . . . Iowa State Fair has also been known for having Map on a Stick, City on a Stick, Eraser on a Stick, Quilt Block on a Stick. . .

It must be noted that after consuming large numbers of Iowa Chops on a Stick and consuming large quantities of beer, that RAGRBRAIers must use large numbers of toilets. When the big ride began, a certain brand of portable toilets was in use on the ride. Later that brand was purchased by another company, but a toilet on the ride continue to be called a kybo. It doesn't matter where the toilet is, it is still called a kybo. During RAGBRAI every corn field becomes a kybo. Therefore, during RAGBRAI Iowa is the world's biggest toilet.

Ragbrai is sponsored by a major newspaper in the mislocated city of Des Moines. A radio station in the mislocated city of Des Moines sponsors a tractor ride, but it doesn't go as far and the riders use motorized nonvehicles (tractors) with big seats instead of human propelled vehicles with skinny seats. (See the uncyclopedia article about Des Moines for information about Des Moines' mislocation.)

Edit - Dart is thrown at a lot of things in Iowa, not just maps. See the Des Moines Register for information about Dart throwing in Iowa. Darts are no longer allowed to make left hand turns in downtown Des Moines. They must honk when making right hand turns.

History

These people subject themselves to this torture on purpose

The name Ragbrai is after King Francis Ragbrai, the first king of Iowa, in the middle ages he proclaimed that every year, on the hottest week of the summer Iowans were to commemorate his tyrannic rule by systematically migrating from one side of the state to the other on wheel based motor-less devices. In order to commemorate this event, the rear tire should be dipped in the Missouri River at the beginning of the ride, and the front tire of the bike should be dipped in the Mississippi River. In lieu of dipping the front tire of the bike in the Mississippi, the whole bike may be summarily dumped the the Mississippi if you bought the wrong kind of bike and want to get a new one for next year.

Needing a path for the cycles to travel on King Ragbrai saw to it that roads were made, and after years of debate these roads were even opened to the public for motor vehicles for the 51 weeks of the year that Ragbrai's ride was not in season.

Each year a new course is selected by spinning the RAGBRAI Dradle, and throwing a dart at a large map of Iowa. The rout is then closed off to the public, and cycelers are directed to pass through with police escorts, and doge responding to whistles.

Different teams have developed for bonding reasons, they include but are not limited to Skunk, Team Strangebrew, Team Roadkill, Team Air Force, Perineum Falcons, Team Navy, Team B.A.N.G., etc etc. Each of these teams has their own traditions and customs, but the universal rule of each team is "Beer fist, safety second" by placing these priorities in place a safely dehydrated environment can develop for the pleasure of the usually boring small town ambulance drivers to react to.