Powerpoint Teacher

A typical PowerPoint Teacher demonstrating her professional grasp of the software.

A PowerPoint teacher is an instructor (usually between the ages of 26 and 27) whose teaching style relies solely on the application of presentations created using Microsoft PowerPoint. Their teaching is incredibly unprofessional and they are irritatingly unaware of it, plus they are becoming increasingly common in secondary schools around the world. PowerPoint teachers are generally considered a form of pest.

Death by PowerPoint

With the invention of Microsoft PowerPoint in 1984, came an uprising of teaching graduates who thought it would be a good idea to use their own presentations as an aid to teaching. Initially, such methods were praised for their originality, but soon became tedious. Inexperienced teachers began relying on the software to the point where entire terms of lessons were created and carried out using nothing but PowerPoint. All of these evil people have long since been executed, but their apprentices continue to apply the “Death by PowerPoint” method to their teaching style. In a survey conducted in 2009, it was revealed that every school in the Western world has an average of 12 PowerPoint Teachers.

Various techniques of extermination have been attempted to reduce the numbers of PowerPoint Teachers in America and the UK. In 2007, legislation was put forward allowing head teachers to install gas chambers in schools for exterminating the teachers. And in early 2010 it was made legal for upper class people to hunt them. The software itself has since been classified as a virus.

How to identify one

Your teacher is a PowerPoint teacher if any of the following applies to her (Yes they are all female.):

• She uses at least one PowerPoint presentation in every lesson.
• She only uses classrooms equipped with Smartboards.
• Upon entering the classroom and finishing the lesson, the only words she has spoken to the class were “Hello,” “Sit down” and “Answer these questions that are on the PowerPoint.”
• She puts questions and/or text on her presentations which you must answer/copy religiously without human help.
• She uses the font Comic Sans.
• When she locates the relevant PowerPoint presentation on her cheap laptop, there is evidence of an entire backlog of presentations for every lesson she has ever taught (often in a folder ironically labeled “I’m a lazy bitch”).
• She has a cheap laptop that she couldn’t teach live without.
• She genuinely considers being able to use PowerPoint as sufficient training for teaching.
• Her presentations indefinitely feature vulgar puke-coloured backgrounds, images with visible watermarks that suggest copyright infringement, and at least two spelling mistakes per slide.
• She has only earned her teaching degree within the last four years.
• You instinctively hate her guts solely from bearing witness to her computer skills.

Disposal Techniques

Virtually indestructible...

The only way to ultimately stop PowerPoint teachers from teaching is to kill them. They are however, immune to all forms of pesticides (including red bull), all lethal narcotics, all strains of swine/bird flu, and all explosives known to man. The most effective method of extermination is to isolate mass numbers of PowerPoint teachers within a sealed nuclear reactor (the subsequent dust can be used to grit roads in winter) and turn it on. It is also essential that the teacher’s respective laptop is destroyed at the time of her death, or it will indefinitely locate a new host and continue to intoxicate pupils with its 20 GB of archived PowerPoints.