Pope Julius II
Julius II (5 December 1443 – 21 February 1513) , Pope, philanthropist, 1337 hax0r, holy warrior and all around awesome guy is someone you should probably know. Best known for his antics in the Middle Ages, Julius used the power of the Papacy (and its +10 defense) to defeat Ernest Borgnine, leader of the feared Borgia Klan.
Early Life[edit]
Julius, born Guido Sarducci, came into this plane of being in 1443. He was born to wealthy parents who died when Julius was very young. Forced to survive on his own, Julius began to notice that he had strange abilities that allowed him to warp the reality around him. By using his special power he was able to convince many that the “valuable” real-estate he had for sale was beautiful ocean front property and not steaming hot lava flows on the side of Mt Vesuvius. Julius’ clever plan allowed him to sell worthless, uninhabitable land for tons of cash, while leaving no survivors to expose his lie.
How Do I Learn This Power?[edit]
After having perfect the ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’ business model, Julius traveled east to visit the far away lands of Asia-land where he met Julio ‘The Iron Fist of God’ Xavier, a ninja master and Black Assassin who converted him to Catholicism. Having learned the ways of the Flat Jesus, Julius became Xavier’s best student and shortly before his departure and return to the west, Xavier taught him the seven secret hand gestures, which allowed him to defeat any Italian in a verbal contest of skill. On a side note, the new skill also allowed him to perfect what is rumored to be the eighth hand gesture, the flipping bird.
Some of the gestures were recorded by an unknown scribe during a debate with then political rookie, Silvio Burlesconi:
- The Bitten Fist
- The Chin Swipe
- The Arsenio Hall
- The I’ve Got Your Nose
- The "I'll show you where to put it"
- The "Shh!"
“I’ve got your Papacy right here!”[edit]
Upon return to Europe Julius impressed many within the Church with his amazing skill and almost limitless energy for the faith. Having gained the favor of the faithful of Europe, Julius rose to defeat the man responsible for the Dark Ages, Ernest Borgnine. Head of the Borgia’s, Ernest had risen to power in Julius’ absence and had plummeted Europe into a terrible state of ignorance and Protestantism. Building an army, some future members of the famed Council of Light, Julius set out to rid Europe of the evil Borgia’s. Shortly thereafter Julius was made Supreme Pontiff and instead of wearing the usual Papal beer hat he wore his newly forged Papal Battle Armor, saying it helped him look less like an angry frat boy and more like a divinely sent agent of death.
Julius eventually crushed the Borgia’s at the Battle of the Big Cojones. Shortly thereafter Julius held a party which rocked the house so hard part of the Coliseum Night Club Bar and Grill fell off. Julius reign benevolently until he was called to the edge of time/space to fight the ultimate evil and herald of the end of time...ice cream cake.
Julius for you and me[edit]
Julius is probably one of the most lovable Popes ever. Maybe it’s his Santa-esque outfit or his antics around Europe or the fact that he made one mean Gin and Tonic.
In 1502 Julius was made a Doctor of the church. This meant that his power was acknowledged publicly and that he could make house calls. Which he did. Maybe a bit too often, but it's really not our place to say, is it?
UNLIMITED POWER[edit]
Julius' source for his near limitless power is supposedly flat Jesus, however this claim remains unsubstantiated. However, Julius was able to bend the fabric of the universe to his will for short periods of time and his hand gestures are supposed to have been so awesome that some thought perhaps that he was acting out the second coming of Christ through the medium of interpretive dance. Some people’s heads even exploded. No, really. It is also a well known fact that upon his ascension to the Papacy, Julius’ power increased immeasurably, and with a wave of his hand he could make any argument uninteresting. Without a doubt, Julius had l33t h4x!
Taking the Michelangelo[edit]
Despite his powers Julius knew he wasn't immortal (at least yet). He ordered Michelangelo to build him a tomb worthy of a pharaoh-pope. The best marble was ordered and work progessed until Julius 'moved off the Earth'. His successor in the Papal throne Pope Leo X didn't want to be overshadowed by the monument so halted all work on it. He also refused to pay Michelangelo's expenses as regards getting the best marble for the job.