Open heart surgery

“More fun and more eventful than an Open House Party”

~ Gregory House on Open Heart Surgery

In poorer nations, such as Chad, Somalia, and the United States, open heart surgery is often perfomed with primitive instruments and a spool of duct-tape.

Definition

The heart is an essential part of the body due to it being the central furnace which warms the body. It also ticks, lending consistency and excellent time keeping to your everyday life, and is the driving force behind the so-called 'Biological Clock'.

Open Heart Surgery, apart from being a term for a social activity involving the communal, competitive playing of the popular children's game, Operation, is the process of (usually haphazardly) opening a person's upper body and messing with their heart until they do 'living' properly again.

Alternatively, this can be done upon oneself for medical reasons and/or as an interesting party trick and potential chat-up line.

Conditions

Needless to say, the heart is a very important component of the body. When your heart is broken it is advisable to first consider the cause of the pain before immediately performing surgery.

Is the pain:

1. A result of that tramp down the road (who you really, really liked) getting a restraining order when you all you wanted to do was politely fondle?

1. Linked to a series of shooting pains along the left arm? (Are you Megaman?)

In the case of Option 1 (or similar scenario) acquire a large bottle of tequila and some binoculars, and settle down for a good night's harmless stalking.

Self-operation

So you've decided to operate? Congratulations! You are now fully unqualified cardiothoracic (kar-dee-oh-thor-ace-ick) surgeon with a full 4 minutes of experience. As with any form of surgery there are certain requirements before starting:

• Anaesthetic (i.e. alcohol in 'sufficient' quantities/sharp blow to the head.)
• Equipment

• Apron (kitchen or woodworking suffices),
• Sharp-ish implement (bread knife, power tool or - failing this - a sharpened stick),
• Tissue or cloth to absorb any leaks or spills,
• Many, many, band-aids.

The next step is logical. Apply pressure to the ribcage until you reach the soft squidgy, inny goodness. Tinker with the ticker to your own satisfaction before stitching yourself up, or press Alt + F4 to close you, if you are running Windows.

Well done! You have survived the surgery... Good luck avoiding infection! Alternatively, commiserations, you are now dead.