Noble prize for Mad Science

Cow eats hay. You eat burgers. This man eats you.

The Nobel prize for Mad Science has been awarded to the maddest of the Mad Scientists for more than five decades, counting backwards from the year 2006, and forwards right after that until the decades are full. The price was funded and proposed by the infamous Albert Nobel, who invented dynamiting your neighbours. The prize fund has now been invested in several Mad Science projects to help their success, and to keep the actual amount of money low. This is altogether compliant with Mad Scientist logic. It is also worth mentioning there have been sixteen miscarried attempts of blowing up the joint, taking total control, or infesting the world with killer cyborgs during this year only, thanks to the fund .

The rules of the secret foundation

Personnel

Any bookkeeper, banker, or any other employee of the foundation must be irritable, prone to brooding, and generally off his rocker. Mumbling about revenge is a bonus characteristic. Applications for jobs are, quite naturally, not needed. All you need to do is bust in and scream: "I run this place now, you pathetic wimps!!" or something to that effect.

Working hours

There are no working hours. All personnel must be maniacally devoted to their task, and always ready to deliver cash to any crackpot scientist in need of it.

Donations

No donations to the foundation should be delivered by normal means. A postal delivery or a check are both right out. A preferred way would be, for instance, a rocket that releases a wickedly revolving cyborg zombie, which explodes and scatters gold coins on the roof of the Secret Vault of the foundation. The coins are to be handled with a liquid that subatomizes them. They then seep into the vault, and once there, turn solid again.

Any donation must be large enough to make irreversible damage possible. A sum of building a cyborg army or waking a horde of zombies is the low limit. Anything less than this will disdainfully be sunk to the bottom of the ocean, along with a time bomb that will explode in the year 2085 and destroy a continent.

Eligibility for financing

Funds will be given to any Mad Scientist that has a reasonable plan. "Reasonable" doesn't mean that it should be feasible under normal circumstances - on the contrary, a reasonable Mad Science plan involves dozens of unbalancing factors. Only a singular drive will have any chance of pulling such a plan through. An example of a reasonable plan might include

• turning a mountain upside down with antigravity and smashing a city with it
• turning the moon into a giant container for poisonous gas
• spreading smashbuckle hystery among the wild dogs of Australia, which then will swim across the sea to Asia and Europe and devour everyone

There is no limit to the amount of money to be invested into a Mad Science project. The more the better. If the foundation goes bankrupt, a revenging cyborg army will kill as many people as possible.

In times of general inactivity

At any time when there are no Mad Science projects to finance, all employees must start plotting together and finance whatever they come up with. It is preferable to do this with malicious intent towards the foundation - otherwise there will not be enough credibility.

The prize

The Nobel price for Mad Science will be given to the Mad Scientist who has most grossly overestimated the feasibility of his plan for world domination, or failing to find one to fulfill this criterium, to the one that has failed most spectacularly. The amount of money to be given to the winner is 100 000 000 000 000 000 000 US Dollars, if ∞+1 is not a real number. The foundation will do its best to have a gold producing machine invented. Then there will be infinite funds at our disposal (maniacal laughter).

Past winners

It is no big surprise that many prize winners are some of the most notable public enemies, particularly those who stood in opposition to Her Majesty's Secret Service:

• Ernst Stavro Blofeld won three consecutive Nobel Prizes for Mad Science for his works in World Domination, for uselessly shooting diamonds into the earth's orbit and for training cats to look utterly dumb.
• Dr No won one for the shortest and stupidest name of a scientist ever.
• Scaramanga was awarded a prize for turning gold into guns.
• Emilio Largo for inventing a boat that is able to shed its own rear, a magnificient commercial success among rich yachters bored by their playmates.
• Kananga for inventing the double-bottomed coffin.
• Karl Stromberg for a submarine aquarium.
• Jabba the Hutt for the sexiest skin-tight outfit ever.
• Ronald McDonald for turning children into living garbage dumps.
• Steve Ballmer for turning children into lifeless computer zombies.
• Hugo Drax for a space shuttle mass production plant.
• Saddam Hussein for building the ultimate hiding place for weapons of mass destruction.
• Electra King for a sex toy doubling as an execution machine.
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for disguising dangerous mosques as harmless nuclear power plants.

To the infinite regret of the prize jury, hardly anyone of the prize winners has yet been able to collect the prize due to their premature deaths. Whenever this occurs, the prize sum is automatically added to the Nobel jackpot. Consequently, the jackpot has grown to very attractive sums lately and contributes to the advancement of Mad Science worldwide.