Mystery Box

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Customize your order by asking to change the colors of your mystery box between black, black, and black!

Everyone knows something great has got to be in the Mystery Box!

~ Peter Griffin on Mystery Box

The contents of the mystery box are a mystery.

~ Captain Obvious on Mystery Box

What is the mystery box? It's where people come together to play shufflepuck. It's where you can catch Carmen Sandiego everyday of the week. It's a fricken magical hollow cardboard cube with 6 (that's right 6) sides!!! That's wondrous for a 3D (Not just 1 or 2 like other box offers!) object.

What exactly is inside this box?[edit]

Well, erm...well, we don't exactly know. The painstaking work of thousands of scientists around the globe have however uncovered that whatever it is, we definitely know that we don't actually know what it is, period. What we do know about the mystery box is is that it can cook a whole turkey in a few minutes, cover bald spots, and never dull after cutting anything or your money back[1]. All you do is forget it and set it, then watch the mystery unfold(why did I buy this piece of crap?)!

Okay, how much?[edit]

You can get this wonderful box for

NOT $1,000,000!

NOT $999,999!!

NOT $999,998!!!

NOT EVEN $999,997!!!!

You can get this magical wonder-tool for just $999,996 USD[2]! Call in right now and I'll throw in a can of WD-40, a piece of chewed gum I found under this one table at the local food court, and this paperclip I found in my pocket all for an extra $100!


I'll even knock off 1 cent(that's right one entire cent!) off your purchase if call in now to the url you see left of your screen.! If you get some crap like the number doesn't exist, you have to point your phone north and call the toll free(that's right you pay nothing!)[3] number again.


Pay with a 25% interest or more credit card and I'll personally let you kiss my ass[4]! If your mobile phone is on a Sprint PCS contract you can also get a VHS clip of you doing it for the modest price of $500(please see footnote 2).

Sounds Pricey...[edit]

You may think this is pricey for a stupid cardboard box, but you know what? You're wrong. These boxes here are hand made in the good old USA, and if you think our legal workers are going to work for pennies to lick the bottom of our shiny custom fit Italian shoes(and make those mystery boxes) you are dead wrong. Our CEO has a wife and children to feed. He only makes 20 million dollars and lives on a modest 5 story mansion home. He needs your peasant money!

That's it I'm Leaving, and I'm not buying a stupid cardboard box.[edit]

Fuck the boat. A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT!

NO, NOT YET! You have to give in to the reality distortion field(I mean what reality distortion field?)! Please reconsider not buying this product of awesome power by learning a few facts about it! All right. You have 5 minutes.

  • God owns a mystery box![5]
  • It fits in most overhead compartments![6]
  • It doesn't brag. In fact it doesn't even talk![7]
  • It has no lethal side effects[8]
  • It's Open Source![9]

I saw all those footnotes, you con

No you didn't.

Yes I did. They're just below the end of this conversation

You're really a nice fucking joker. Let's give Mr. Comedian a hand!

* Crowd Applauds *

You are a jackass for ripping off these poor stupid people.

Are we really reduced to calling each other names?


Okay then, wipe.

That's it, I'm leaving



  1. Don't count on it.
  2. + Shipping, Handling, Breathing, Gas, Digestion, Ass scratching, and Processing fees...
  3. Actually it's $25 USD a minute. Standard applications take up to 10 minutes. Do you think we'd suck up to you by offering toll free calls after making you pull this much money out of your ass for a cardboard box?
  4. Not meant for customers in New York, Idaho, Alaska and Hawaii. Massachusetts residents must add a 70% sales tax to your current order.
  5. At least that's what we think he was holding in that picture on the tortilla. It could be something else.
  6. Please note that due to current terror threat levels you cannot bring your mystery box on the plane
  7. Please contact your local psychiatric ward if this thing does start talking to you.
  8. Remember it has no lethal side effects. We didn't say there aren't any
  9. When Pigs Fly