Mists of time

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“The interesting weather patterns indicate that we will experience several days of Mists of Time, starting two Wednesdays ago.”

~ Anchorman on Mists of Time

The Mists of Time are an intriguing meteorological phenomenon which some have argued belongs on the list of weapons that should exist but do not. Others strenuously claim that they do in fact exist, and therefore belong on the list of weapons that should exist and do. This article will correctly assume that they do exist, and will go about describing them without untruthful embellishment.

General Description[edit]

Not a Mist of Time

The Mists of Time can best be described as "not quite like Donald Trump." They are known for their tendency to appear unpredictably, as well as always being found in the middle of a cold front (not to be confused with a "cold rear", which is caused by sitting on a freezing-cold toiletseat in the middle of winter). Once a Mist of Time mistbank (made of mist, as opposed to a fogbank made of fog) settles over an area, that space fluctuates through time until the mist clears off. Some reports from Mist of Time survivors include stories of "dinosaur riding" and dining at the "Restaurant at the End of the Universe."


Mists of Time are large, blue clouds roiling with inner turmoil. This violent internal movement is caused by fierce battles between things which, in the normal flow of time, never meet. Examples of such combats include those between elephants and gazeebos, aliens and predators, and a fat man and gravity. Mists of Time, due to their temporally unstable nature, move in timeskips rather than a continuous flow.

Theories of Mist of Time Creation[edit]

The world's greatest scientists are puzzled by the Mists of Time and how they were formed, but a number of competing theories have made it to the fore.

The Lag-Cloud Theory

Some mistoftimeologists are convinced, due to their jumpy and sudden movements, that Mists of Time are in fact clouds with low bandwidth connections to the universe. Such lag would explain not only the movement of the Mists, but also why they are full of creatures and places from the future and past.


The most intelligent and best-informed scientists of the day are convinced that Mists of Time, along with everything that exists, were created by God as-is. Coincidentally, many of these scientists are located in the American South, where Mists of Time are more rarely seen than usual. Because Mists of Time are especially rare in these areas, it was sadly decided that the respected creationist scientists do not have the mistoftimeological experience necessary to formulate a proper theory. If not for this, everybody would adhere to the Mists of Time Creationist theory.

Boston Weather

Scientists who have visited Boston to examine the freak weather patterns of the area become convinced that the Mists of Time are the spawn of Boston weather. They hold that the extremely odd Mist of Time phenomenon could only be created in a place with even stranger weather, and therefore Boston, the location of the worlds weirdest weather workings (and additionally annonyingly abundant assonance and alliteration), must be the source of all strange meteorlogical patterns.


The rest of the world's scientists have no idea what these mistoftimeologists are talking about. The compilation of their reactions to the question "How did the Mists of Time form?" is collectively called the "Huh? Theory."

The Copenhagen Interpretation

We, the people of Copenhagen do in this place and at this time solemnly swear that we couldn't give a rat's ass.