Mr. Darcy
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“I think he's barely tolerable”
“Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it at the time”
“Who do you think would win?”
“Not Hugh Grant. Or Le Chiffre.”
Mister Mark Darcy, was the world's first secret agent, an absolute bad ass. He was James Bond's great, great, great, great grandfather and was alive while Queen Victoria or some other ridiculously old monarch was on the throne.
Well known for being suave, sophisticated and with a licence to kill he was the the world's greatest superspy at the time he was alive and was also well-known for having a taste for fast carriages, beautiful women (his personal favourites being Elizabeth Bennet and your mother) and extremely high-tech gadgets like revolvers. Highly educated with a great deal of knowledge on a variety of subjects, Darcy was always well-dressed and armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner.
Word is he was the original bad ass. He wouldn't give a **** about anybody, he wouldn't talk to you not even look at you if you were not worthy his precious time, this guy entered a room an without saying a word everybody submitted to him, he wouldn't waste his time with those lame dances and society standards, he made his own rules. He also owned Pemberley and 10000 a year, just that made him more bad ass than you'll ever be in this and in successive lives. Also, Mr. Darcy was such a stud that he turned on all the women around him just by standing there in a corner without talking, just blinking and breathing, don't believe me? just ask Miss Elizabeth Bennet, she went weak at her knees just by hearing his name. Now THAT's a super spy (Bond, take notes, you loser). To further impress the ladies, he had a lake at his residence that only he was allowed to swim in, and it made him even more of a hit with the ladies.
Mr Darcy lives today, his spirit came to earth from hell and took the body of some lame actor named Colin Firth, now his bad-ass soul resides in this body in modern time, lock your mums, girls and sisters because he will take them away from us, normal, loser men. Others actors like Matthew Macfadyen have claimed they are the real incarnation of Mr Darcy, but the real one is and will always be Colin Firth, forever and ever Amen.
Early life and career[edit]
Mister Darcy was born to a wealthy English couple named Monique and Frederick. They named him "Mister" after his uncle of the same name. At the age of two he was sent to Eton. When he was three, his parents died in a climbing accident when they were visiting Darcy's Uncle Mister in Switzerland. It has been alleged that the accident was actually suicide as a result of his parent shame at calling their only son 'Fitzwilliam' (a name Darcy never mentions).
Mister Darcy was known throughout the tea-stained land of England to be a famous zombie hunter, the source of his uncanny accuracy with a handgun, (he is reported to have made a headshot blindfolded, from 800 yards from a zombie that never saw it coming) and a collection of badass, sexy scars.
At the age of eighteen Darcy was recruited by the British Secret Service and after successfully assassinating the head of the Indian Mutiny a year later, he was given 00 status and assigned to high security section AUSTEN (Action Under Serious Threats to ENgland). Mister Darcy excelled at espionage and anti-terrorism and exhibited a talent for, well just about everything but particularly defeating terrorists (yes they even had them in Victorian times) who wanted to conquer the world and/or overthrow the British Empire.
During one particularly daring mission, Mister Darcy was sent to rescue Miss Elizabeth Bennet from the clutches of the evil genius, George Wickham who had kidnapped her after eloping with her younger sister. Mister Darcy also had a personal score to settle with Wickham which involved his own younger sister; Wickham sold her a dead dog and insisted it was asleep. After defeating Wickham in a game of Hows Your Father, Wickham attempted to have Mister Darcy killed to stop him from finding the lady Elizabeth in various booby traps and convoluted, drawn-out situations, all of which our man effortlessly sidestepped, while shagging various women.
Mister Darcy eventually discovered and infiltrated Wickham's mountain top retreat, rescued Miss Bennet and then escaped while dodging hoards of anonymous henchmen. Using many of his secret spy gadgets, and a lot of explosives, feats of impossible daring including abseiling 2000 feet, firing two machine guns akimbo, each with infinite ammo, jumping 30 feet from one moving cable car to another and mowing down countless henchmen (not to mention some nice moves with a sword as well as wild horse and cart chase in which he took out several chasing carts with his missile equipped stagecoach), Mister Darcy managed to get Miss Bennet to safety, and returned for a fiery showdown with Wickham, who he killed by blowing him up on a cable car loaded with explosives. It was this feat of daring which won over the lady Elizabeth. This mission was dramatised as Hollywood film (with some character name changes) Where Eagles Dare. Mister Darcy personally chose Clint Eastwood for the part due to his Bad Motherfucker credentials. The machine guns with infinite ammo so impressed Chow Yun-Fat during his encounter with Mister Darcy that he borrowed the trick for himself.
While in his twenties he acquired a biographer who much to Mister Darcy's annoyance, instead of telling of his exploits of derring do, attempted to cast him as a romantic lead in a weepy book for girls. Mister Darcy however used his signature sexual move, the Darcy Teabag on her repeatedly. Fortunately, later writers made a bit of a better job, including Alistair MacLean, who changed the names but kept the good stuff for his books.
Mister Darcy's favourite gadgets[edit]
The Ministry of Defence's top weapons manufacturer Mr Q (the Q is for Quartermaine) designs Darcy's gadgets for him. Among his particular favourites are:
- The Revolver that can turn into a comb (Walther PPKs are a thing of the past and they haven't even been invented yet).
- The rocket powered-carriage that has no need of horses and can deploy missiles from underneath.
- The Cane that can turn into a sword.
- The backpack which contains unlimited explosives and two machine guns with infinite ammo.
- That thing.
- A pen which has ink inside, so no need for those dastedly cumbersome ink bottle (this is the Georgian times after all).
Darcy's associates[edit]
C - His employer, the head of British Secret Intelligence and secretly Darcy's aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Also known as Codename: Judy.
Mr Q - Alan Quartermaine's father and MI6's weapons manufacturer. Designed the hot air balloon for Philleus Fog.
Mr Charles Bingley - Mr Bingley is Mister Darcy's occasional wisecracking sidekick who makes many smart mouth comments. Mr Bingley has a permanent grin to counter Mr Darcy's permanent scowl.
Women (to say nothing of the men) Darcy has shagged[edit]
Darcy is infamous for fornicating even more than Casanova however being a member of the British Secret Service, not only does he have a Licence to Kill, he has a licence to fornicate.
Among the many beautiful (or otherwise) women Darcy has made love to are:
- Elizabeth Bennet (his personal favorite).
- All of the sisters of Elizabeth Benneth (yes, even the annoying Lydia).
- Elizabeth Bennet's mom (even though she didn't admit it).
- Hill and Sarah (the Bennet's maids)
- Elizabeth Swann (before she met Jack Sparrow).
- Cecelia Tallis (before she fell in love with that slimy guy from The Chronicles of Narnia).
- Keira Knightley's great, great, great, great grandmother, Saintly Knightley.
- His biographer, Jane Austin.
- Emily Bronte (he likes Goth chicks).
- Charlotte Bronte (inspired her to write an Mr. Darcy alter ego: Mr. Rochester)
- Bridget Jones, wanton sex-goddess.
- And any woman that read his book or watches his movies/TV shows (that means your mom, sister, aunt, and girlfriend).
Arch enemies[edit]
Darcy has saved the world from deranged megalomaniacs and evil spies who want to overthrow the British Empire countless times. Among his most deadly enemies are:
- Doctor Septimus Pretorius
- George Wickham - A womanising evil genius and member of the international evil organisation known as PHANTOM (Purveyors of Hijinx And interNational Terrorism and Onerous Mayhem - they came up with the name before they came up with what it stood for) with a talent for mathematics and card games. Le Chiffre's great ancestor. Seduced Darcy's sister. Was killed by Darcy using a bomb strapped to a cable car which allowed Darcy to deliver a killer line: 'He went out with a bang!'
- Doctor Danielle Cleaver - Head of PHANTOM. An extortionist and mass murderer who keeps a tank full of man-eating piranha fish. Was killed by Darcy, who threw him into his tank and was eaten alive by his own piranha fish. Was replaced with the cat stroking villain, Professor Moriarty.
- Mr Collins, the evil social climber well known for his silver revolver and his alias, the Man with the Silver Gun
- Professor Moriarty - A cat stroking villain and Doctor Cleaver's successor as head of PHANTOM. His archenemy is Sherlock Holmes but he's had run-ins with Mister Darcy.
- Errand, the Chinese Assassin who can throw a top hat with lethal force and pin-point accuracy.
- Kaisar Wilhelm III (he's been plotting World War I for quite some time).
Also See:[edit]
For Mr. Darcy's incarnation: Colin Firth