Loughborough
“OMFG LUFFBRA HAS A UNCYCLOPEDIA PAGE OMFG HUH HUH HUH LOL”
Loughborough is a small town in central England. Surrounded by a river, technically it is its own country, but due to unforseen circumstances, Cuba seems to own it. No one knows why. However, Loughborough has a lot to offer, with its world renowned University and large scale events happening within the last few years and within years to come. With so much going on in Loughborough, it really is the place to be.
History[edit]
In 1998, Loughborough was born. Of course, it was around before, but it was such an insignificant speck upon the world's crusty surface that no one knew of its existence. Home of the world famous Bell Foundry company, Loughborough is a top place for tourists. Not only are there 6 and a half different bells to be seen around the town, there is also the Carillon Tower. The Carillon Tower is thought to be the 9th wonder of the world. Photo records going back to 1922 show that the top of the now, blatantly green tower was once golden. This gold was replaced with it's green successor in time for the 1944 Summer Olympics when the gold was melted down to produce the gold medals.
In 2002, The Rushes was built. This is a large lake full of rushes where locals can snooze, bathe and have an afternoon swim. The Rushes was meant to be called 'The Reeds' after the local MP at the time, Andy Reed; however, a breakdown in communication saw that the Reeds got its alternative, glorious name which still exists today. In late 2005, The Rushes was permanently evacuated following the discovery of a nuclear facility beneath it's murky depths. Some say this is the cause of the abundance of people bearing IQ's of less than 30 within the town.
In 2004, Loughborough embraced communism and declared war with virtually the rest of the world. Loughborough has slowly been devouring it's neighbouring villages over the past 11 years as part of it's invasion operation, code named 'operation fox hunter'. The plan is to build a 40ft phalice as a monument to their leader on top of Mount Everest by the year 2030.
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Inhabitants[edit]
Loughborough's inhabitants consist of a mix of inbred locals and demigods, who can walk on water, many reporting to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Loughborough's ruler is the tyrannical dictator Reginald Gobennaughckifski who, with his army supplied by the Cuban military, intends to rule Earth from his Loughbourian fortress.
Famous past inhabitants include Kim Jong-Il, Robert Mugabe and the infamous Adolf Hitler, all of whom were offspring of the Gobennaughckifski family. They have since departed the town following political differences.
Beware of the shanty towns of Thorpe Acre and Shelthorpe, where inhabitants consist of shell-suit wearing, fag smoking, tattoo headed monsters who are constantly getting pregnant, or deafening the "hood" with their "tunes". These are the areas of the town known for where Gobennaughckifski's henchmen to reside. People have been known to go and never return having been sniffed out by their lack of body odour.
Places of No Interest[edit]
'The Great Central Railway', can be found east of south of Loughborough. Normally confused by Chinese tourists wanting to get to London but can't read signs pointing in the right direction, GCR is a railway much loved by the Gobennaughckifski's army.
At Loughborough Central (aka as Lugaburuga), nothing much happens, other than a couple of staff doing naff-all and having fierce discussions about tea, teapots and locomotives. Notable residents include Fat Tony, who constantly starts converstaions with "When I was in the war..." or "When I was a kid...", and the man who has his head out of the back coach window on the 1:15 Diner, waving his arms, repeating the words 'Look, there are no ladybirds here!!' and acting like a Steam Locomotive.
Gobennaughckifski's Park or 'Queen's Park' as it was once known, is a small bit of grass in the centre of the town which is home to the aforementioned Carillon Tower and a woman called Bert. Bert occasionally bewilders tourists with her dulcet tones and overwhelming smell of urine.
Found in sector 3 of Loughborough, Poundland is the Mecca of the Loughbrians. Every monday sees a pilgrimage down to the shop which sells cunningly miniature versions of products for 1 pound in an attempt to make residents feel special and that they've 'bagged a bargain'.
Loughborough in the now[edit]
Another fabulous sight right in the center of the town is the Sockman. This is a statue of a transvestite Down's Syndrome sufferer looking at his broken ankle, which, at the time, had been bandaged with a excuistely patterned sock/stocking. It is thought that the man had to sit in the same position for so long that his atomis structure changed into gold. It too was a victim of the 1944 Olympic Games and can now been seen today with a bluish-green tinge. A local resident had this to say on the issue:
"Look, there are no ladybirds here!!'
The Sockman is also thought to be a holy symbol. In 2007, hundreds of Gobennaughckifski's supporters who had embarked on an epic journey turned up in Loughborough to worship the monument. At exactly 12 noon, the Sockman was surrounded by a frenzy of frantic worship, celerbrating his life. A local resident managed to capture this religious act on camera:
Loughborough also has many other distractions for the would-be backpacker. These will enable Loughborough's many pickpockets to take your wallet, your mobile phone, and the shirt off your back. In the town's most famous pickpocketing incident, "The Great Pickpocketing" of 1346, a French gypsy was so entranced by a naked dancing 9 year old girl, that an expert local pickpocket by the name of Duncan was able to steal all his possessions and clothing without attracting the attention of the gypsy, who didn't realise they were gone until the 9 year old girl laughed at the size of his penis.
To mark this occasion, Loughborough holds an annual "fun" fair where pickpockets, gypsies and pikies from the UK converge in the centre of Loughborough and demonstrate their art. The event dates back to the Beige ages and it is avoided by most town-folk and populated by grinning foreign students too busy taking "artistic" photos to go on the rides. The fair is paid for by the illegal sales of stolen cameras.
Loughborough's 2012 Olympic Bid[edit]
In 2012, Loughborough hoped to house thousands of immigrants, here to watch the Olympic Games, planned to be held at Loughborough Leisure Center. The head of Loughborough sport relations, Mr. Flan Danders said the following:
| “ | I think having the Olympic Games here will be a bloody nuisance. It's gonna use all the parking spaces in the center and leave no where for anyone else to park. Not to mention the fact that there will never be any sausage rolls left at Greggs! | ” |
Unfortunately, annoyed by the change of the towns park name, the British Monarchy overruled Loughborough's bid in 2011.
For now, at least, Loughborough stays calm, peaceful and serene. Plans to convert neighboring village Quorn into a new shopping center will go ahead in the next year. That will be when blood is shed. Again.