Lima, Ohio
“Black gold, Texas Tea”
“You mean we ain't in I-Rack anymore?”
Lima, Ohio is the most shallow piece of corn land between Wapakoneta and Fort Wayne. It also produces the most insanely stenchworthy oil in all of the United States, known as "Armpit Crude". The land was once settled by the rich and wealthy Shawnee Indians, who moved to Chicago to build the Sears Tower and own Da Bears. Lima would go on to give birth to Chocolate Milk.
History[edit]
Founder John D. Rockefeller, a hero of George Bush, bought the land in 1818 to plant a row of beans and raise a cow or two. But while he was cultivating the ground, he hit this black running flow of water. Thinking of his childhood tales, he proclaimed it the site of Willy Wonka's factory. He even went as far to have his 2 cows drink the new flavored water.
A few days after the entire farm was covered in this slippery substance, his cows were producing what he thought was "Chocolate Milk" which he was hoping to sell back in his native Cleveland. So upon trying a drink of this, he then realized it was far from the chocolate flavor he so desired. Instead, it had a nasty smell, almost as if his wife hadn't bathed in nearly 3 years.
He then brought in a few close millionaires from Cleveland, where they discovered it was crude oil. They agreed that the land would be valuable for years to come and decided to settle his 20 acre farm. After dinner with his freshly bathed wife, he asked her what they should name the new city. She exclaimed, "What difference does it make? We're Lost In Middle America". The acronym for this, Lima, caught on.
Only a few short years later, they began drilling for black water and planting bean stalks around the town square. The beans would be later known as "Lima Beans" and "Beanie" became the city's mascot. To this day, Liamites still aren't sure if their prosperity owes to the billions of dollars of armpit oil or the few stalks of beans from 1825. Either way, the city grew exponentially throughout the 19th century.
The 1945 Big Boom[edit]
Still not sure if the fat lady was exercising or fire was ignited in the nearby oil farm, but something went KABOOM in 1945. Nearly 5 city blocks on the south end of the city went up in flames. Many blame the gaseous explosions on one too many biscuts at KFC, but owner Yum Brands has declined to comment.
The 1970's[edit]
In 1973, the economic collapse of Lima began. Once a prosperous community of over 100,000 humans, close to a million rats and a few stray cats and dogs, the city lost nearly half its population with the closing of various plants.
In 1979, David Berger, a direct descendent of John D. Rockefeller, was elected mayor at the ripe age of 96. During his administration, 10,000 Liamites elected to become something else. He also opened up the water supply to the residents of the entire county, making the city bear the burden and go bankrupt.
Today[edit]
After nearly 200 years of rollercoaster history, Lima has begun re-writing its future. They recently sold the oil production facility (largest landlocked facility in the world) to Candadian-owned Husky Energy. The slogan for the company is "Our dogs bring us oil from those crazy people in Lima...run, mutt, run."
The addition of Saint Rita Memorial Health Central for Ventricular Care gives the city a hospital that was built as a palace in honor of its founder.
Elida Road is full of burger shops. It is also known as West Heart Attack Street. It's also the home of 2 outpatient heart centers to cater to those who finish dinner on the shopping strip.
Recently, the city joined a county-wide branding project. It produced the nickname of "America's Most Oily Hair city" and a slogan, "Why the hell would you ever want to relocate your business here?" Both will be on the general election ballot in November.
The Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, visited Lima as a campaign stop in 2008 and was solicited by over thirty thousand prostitutes along Bellefontaine Road. They have begun the process to move the IPA (International Prostitute Association) headquarters to Lima.
The nation's locomotive hub[edit]
Lima is the junction of several of America's freight rail networks, giving rise to Lima's nickname, "The world's 'You can't go anywhere without being stopped by a f***ing train' capital." Freight trains help teach small children in the back seat how to count; and, when they get to 110 and the train stops entirely, give the driver an excuse for being late to work, which doesn't get old even when all the employees use the same excuse every day.
Some of the stoppages are caused by the flagrant disrepair of the tracks, which the city does nothing about, as they also serve as free speed bumps.
Most city-dwellers avoid trying to race locomotives to the next crossing, but Liamites view it as a necessary evil, as well as a daily pastime, as the alternative is being stuck at the crossing while the train stops entirely and backs up to disgorge individual cars, one at a time. The only alternative then is to join other Liamites and bomb a U-turn, though this still has you on the wrong side of the tracks from work and driving even further away.
Notable Liamite[edit]
- Dave Thomas, yeah, Wendy's dad