Last Saturday night
Okay, here it is. The incredible (true) story about how I became famous overnight. NOTE: Some of the events in this story are very disturbing, and may result in loss of memory, loss of bowel control, loss of clothes, loss of virginity, and loss of pretty much everything else.
How it started
It was Saturday night, and Max and I were at the club. This happened to not be a regular night. We had heard in a tabloid that Kanye West was coming to the club tonight and I wanted to meet hin, because I am personally a huge fan.
(By the way, Max is very stressed out right now. Coming to this nightclub is the only way to cure that. He loves it here. His goldfish recently died, and he has gained 100 pounds. "As much as one backstreet boy", he says.)
Max knows this club very well. He knows almost everybody who regularly comes here. As for me, this is my first time. He spent a while introducing me before we got to do anything. After all the regulars knew me, Max went off and started to use some of his pickup lines. They're pretty bad. Some of them are: Didn't I see you on the cover of "I Like Fat Guys" magazine?, I like a chick with some thickness on her, you know what I mean?, and Hi. Please don't mace me.Yeah.
Actually, the last one was successful. In getting him maced.
Anyway, I went up to the bar for a shot of tequila. (I swear, the stuff fuels me. Just looking at a bottle of Jose Cuervo makes me start singing love songs to it.) So I turned arouned with my drink and OH MY GOD...
What went down
"KANYE WEST!" I exclaimed almost involuntarily. It seemed that nobody heard me at all. They were all too focused on Kanye. "KANYE! KANYE! HI! HI!" I kept on shouting. "HI! "KANYE! KANYE!" God dammit, the son of a bitch didn't even turn his head. I wonder if he has poor hearing? I don't know. Maybe. I guess the only thing I can do is get up close...
I made my way through the crowd, knocking down about 15 people, I didn't care, until I got to Kanye, and shouted "HI!" as loud as I could. Everybody in the club dropped what they were doing, and then started to chuckle. This made me mad, and I fumbled through my bag looking for my anger management book, but it was nowhere to be found. "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ANGER MANAGEMENT BOOK?" I screamed. This aroused more chuckles, which made me more mad. I pulled a gun (To be honest, I have no idea where it came from,) and pointed it at the sky, which brought along more laughter. I couldn't take this anymore. I let two fly, and both hit Kanye. Everybody all of a sudden started running towards me carrying whatever they had. Then the world turned black...
I woke up behind bars. I didn't remember what had happened the previous night at all."What the fuck is this?" I asked. "You're in prison for 46 years", I heard a voice say. "You shot and killed Kanye West. Then a hundred people started to beat you. Someone got out their cell and called 911. You're lucky you lived."
So now I'm famous
I bet you're wondering when I get to my fame. I don't know how word gets out so fast, but apparently there was a band of kids holding up banners that said "Free our Douchebag!" I was told. I didn't see. I'm in the cooler for 46 years. Bye.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ANGER MANAGEMENT BOOK?