Lampeter
Lampeter is a rural market town situated awkwardly in some grotty little hills in a most wretched corner of Wales.
It is famed for its University, Weekly Farmer's market and 26,000,000 sq. ft. Swimming Centre/Animal Testing Complex. It is home to a mysterious beanbag that lies in the middle of Harford square, and smells oddly alike cucumber sandwiches.
Visiting Lampeter[edit]
Great care should be taken when visiting Lampeter due to it's labyrinthine street lay out and complex one way system. Unlike most other one way systems in place in the United Kingdom it allows traffic in both directions. Lost visitors to Lampeter City may ask the beanbag in Harford square for directions, provided they can withstand the smell of cucumber sandwiches.
Education[edit]
Lampeter is home to the oldest university in university history. As a result the native population of Lampeter are eloquent and proficient in a variety of languages. Conversing with a local from Lampeter could easily be mistaken as the inane gibberish spluttering of a new born giraffe but is in fact a highly developed and evolved cross between the languages of Welsh and very poor use of English swear words.
Sight Seeing[edit]
Lampeter offers many wonderful sights for those with the eyes to see them. It is rumored that whilst under the influence of powerful hallucinogenics, Lampeter could look like any place on Earth.
Tourism[edit]
Due to the scale and wonderment of Lampeter tourism is rife. On old lady was once quoted as saying "I'm glad I didn't die before I got to see Lampeter" before suffering a major heart attack and dying whilst waiting for a bus out of Lampeter.
History[edit]
Lampeter does have a long and illustruous history of surprisingly dynamic composition. In 1949, Bearded residents of the town marched down Drovers Road to protest against hair braiding in cattle. There were no survivors.
In 18,729 (ambiguious handwriting in sources), there was a terrible bout of chronic glue sniffing, in which the teenage population was decresed by 147%. This odd figure is because a number of infants the equivalent of 47% of the previous population of teenagers were then shot to justify the tragedy, in a b'izarre case of dictatorship from the mayor.
On May 1st, 1997, Lampeter residents discovered their children were stolen in the night. On the same day a year later, their children were returned. As goats.
Lampeter hit the headlines again in 2004, when a small boy was rushed to hospital after consuming 500ml of Cillit Bang Stain and Drain.
And most recently, in 2005, there was a fire, a blazing inferno, in which the whole town was destroyed. A goat was rescued from the rubble. It lost a toe.
Famous Residents/Visitors/Long Haired Lovers[edit]
There is a surprising and devilishly well concealed celebrity population within the town... Famous residents include:
Upon his tragic visit in 1917, vaccinating infant residents on behalf of the British Red Cross, Craig Gannon commented, in clear good humour, that 'I would rather have my nuts tickled by a Werewolf with foot and mouth than step foot in this scummy town again.
But fear not, he was shot in the back of the head with a crossbow by local resident Gwylim Gelliaura before he was even able to finish his beef casserole.
The College recently appeared on an episode 'of 'Univ'ersity Challenge' (and less notably, ITV's Jungle Run). The team eventually won against challengers 'St. Mildred's University College, Corby,' b]y 170 points and tuppence.
There was however, an abrupt and tragic end to the game, when Jeremy Paxmann was hit in the ribs by a packet of Netto's own brand Chocolate Digestives, thrown by Archie Nostrill, of Lampeter. He suffered mild concussion. In his chest.
Strange Customs[edit]
Cake Tuesday[edit]
Tuesday is a rather special day for the residents, where they flock to the giant 'Candle of Pubes', in hope of catching sight of the elusive 'Winged Cake of West Wales' in his natural domain. Many have lost their lives in pursuit of this seemingly ridiculous excersise.
Local and National hero, Dylan Thomas, aged 7 from Newport, said 'It was reely crap. I dindt get to sea the wigged cack or the poob candle. I feel roobbed.' He died soon afterwards.
The Annual Lampeter Beauty Contest or Miss Lampeter or Pin the tail on the donkey[edit]
Thousands flock from all over Waland to witness the Miss Lampeter Competition. Last year it was won by Stranglers Bassist, JJ Burnell. There were no survivors.
Lazer quest with buckshots mounted on the backs of giant rats[edit]
Every few months a hunt gathers at a secret location to play "lazer quest with buckshots mounted on the backs of giant rats" in a bid to cull the Saes that the locals havnt yet managed to breed out of the area. The rats can be purchased from Oriel Jones at a very reasonable rate.
Tractor Drag Racing[edit]
Got NOS? Good, because neither have these David Brown or Massey Furgeson beasts. Saturday nights in the CO-OP car park, local farmers show up to blast their sound systems, show off the under-trailer neon lights and other modifications they have made to their tractors. When the heat is off and the local police force have gone to bed, they rev their bad boys up for 1/4 mile drag races. The current champion is Dafydd Rhys who's New Holland holds the current record at 9 minutes and 37 seconds.
Lampeter: The City That Never Sleeps...[edit]
Due to constant bleating from sheep on yonder fields. It's really rather irritating. But other than that, this is a dynamic and bustling town... No, seriously, there's plenty to do... here are various hotspots...
The Old Railway Yes, the legendary Lampeter railway. Some nearby residents claim they can still hear the whistling of the train, it haunts their dreams, it steals their sugar pots, it inappropriately touches their children. Legend has it, that sometimes, when there's no-one around to witness it in any way, that the ghost of old troubled Mr. Joneseydavieseygriffithesylloydus comes out and bites the faces off tourists. But that is, of course, bollocks.
The Theme Park[edit]
Not actually a theme park but in fact a trolley bay which resides in the scenic Co-op car park.
St. David's Lettuce[edit]
Some say this miraculous vegetable has been growing since the turn of the century... It now measures 16" in circumference. Some also say that this is fairly unspectacular for a vegatable of this nature. Some can fuck off.
The Filthy Brooke[edit]
A mythical river, never actually sighted, possibly due to being concealed by large thorn bush around its perimeter. Some say it's full of old crisp packets, some say cigarette butts and excrement. Decide for yourself.
The Arcade[edit]
Why not spend all your petty pocket-money, and invaluable time at the Arcade? Up for a game of Virtual Jenga, Virtual Pop-up Pirate, or even Vitual Virtual Darts? I know I am... Due to a lack of interest and the students discovering that boose is far better then virtual darts the arcade has closed, leaving the only entertainment as walking the pipe, pissing around in trollies and drinking... god bless this town
Nationalist Meeting Point[edit]
Just outside the town you can meet at the memorial to two members of the FWA who died when their bomb detonated prematurely. The white eagle with the diamond eyes is a prominent and chilling figure behind spiked railings and surrounded by pictures of and poems to the deceased.
Healthcare[edit]
Yes, the town does certainly boast an excellent healthcare service. With the NHS but a whimsical idea of what might have been, and Carmarthen hospital just a 17-hour donkey trek through the treacherous Camarthenshire valleys, almost all our residents reach the fantastic life expectancy of the area of 47 years in males, and 187 in women. Why so many old women? Honestly...
Anyway, there is but a 36 year waiting list for National Health dentistry, at the end of which period you will receive 1 free obligatory pair of copper plated teeth.
You, Sir, look like a coin!
Transport[edit]
With an average of 2 cars and a horse and trap in every garage across the county, Lampeter is a haven for Petrol-heads and Dick-heads alike. Despite the recent soar in fuel prices, (1994 saw a rise of diesel costs from 'Tuppence and 7' to £7.68 per litre), there is a thriving transport industry in the town. Lampeter is thought to boast more 'Accident black spots' and so-called 'Fatalities' than any other Town in the area. And that includes Llanybydder. Fucking Llanybydder. They think their roads are 'so lethal'.
DVLA Test Centre[edit]
Are you a rubbish driver? Can you not correctly maneuver your car around a roundabout? Then maybe you should take your driving test in Lampeter. Devoid of any actual roundabouts, traffic lights, road signs, road markings, roads, pavements, pedestrians or street lamps, Lampeter is a perfect place for any incompetent fuckwit to take and pass their driving test. It is said that if you pass your driving test in Lampeter you are 54% more likely to have a fatal accident 88% of the time. With those kinds of odds, can you really afford to take your test anywhere else?
The roundabout incident of 2009[edit]
In 2008, the city council of Lampeter celebrated the opening of it's first roundabout made of straw. The city was exalted as this now meant people could turn to go to the CO-OP, The university AND the bus stop without causing congestion and tailbacks. One day a pig decided to hide within the center of the straw roundabout. Shortly after a wolf huffed and puffed and blew the roundabout down. The council responded by erecting a wooden roundabout. Sure enough another pig decided to hide there and the same wolf blew until the roundabout collapsed. Finally the Councillors with the help of national lottery funding build a roundabout out of bricks and prohibited the entry of farm animals.
Education-style vegetarian substitutes.[edit]
With its University town status and fair sized comprehensive school, (which has achieved understandable notoriety for its entry in the Guinness book of records; 'Most suspensions distributed in 1 day - 174' ) the air in the town is heavy with the smell of good old education.
Incidentally, a new Primary school is being built, parallel to, (and in Year 11-Year 2 bullying distance of) the Comprehensive school. It will be constructed primarily out of apples and carrots.
Things one can do if they are underage and they walk in a Lampeter pub[edit]
Get drunk... And lucky. No, not lucky, suicidal. Yes, that's right. And by drunk I mean exactly what it sounds like, the tavern keepers blend you into a fine ale and serve you up. Seriously, this is Lampeter.