General Xavier Conan the Destroyer III
“Pass me another Virginia Gentleman. The drink you idiot!”
“I find the prospect of this madman leading an army to be quite exhilarating...”
General Xavier Conan the Destroyer III, also known by his birthname, John Abi-Someone, was a Confederate General during the First Southern Uprising. He is most famous for helping Stonewall Jackson win the battle of First Manasass. General Xavier is said to have fought the first half of the battle dressed as a Spartan warrior, and the second half totally naked. This is due to the fact that he had many alcoholic beverages over the course of the battle. Although his father and grandfather were proud graduates of the Virginia Military Institute, he never went to college and instead learned the ways of war from South American Andean warriors. He currently resides in a palace built of jasper and quartz on Mars, where he is a military dictator of one of the feudal states under the control of the Martian Empire.
Early Life and Formative Years[edit]
John was born to his parents, Tabitha and Phil Abi-Someone, in the year 1836 in Beaufort, Virginia. The Abi-Someone family should not be confused with another famous family from Transylvania, the Abi-Normal's. John was predisposed to killing small animals and this frightened many people. John applied to VMI, but was rejected on the grounds that he wasn't manly enough to gain entrance. John then wandered aimlessly for many years searching for a cause to attach himself to. Luckily for him, he found that cause in the plight of his native Virginia 25 or so years after his birth. in between this time he left America in order to gain the skills that VMI refused to teach him.
Military Training[edit]
John traveled in search of a trainer and found one in Sir Arthur Conan DeEspalda De Lima in the Andes Mountains in South America. Not much is known about his time spent in South America, but he returned to Virginia as a complete badass. John was christened with a new name in order to reflect his new life after the training he received. His new name was Xavier Conan the Destroyer III. The middle name Conan is for his instructor, the III because he was the third pupil of Sir DeEspalda De Lima's after Conan the Destroyer Jr, who perished in the year 1698 whilst fighting 452 ninjas in Japan, and Destroyer for, well, it should be obvious. It is rumored that Xavier destroyed the then existent Spanish colony of Tu Madre in the Caribbean just for fun on his way home. he is also rumored to have gained superpowers while training in the Andes, such as invisibility and the power to fly.
Return to Virginia and Military Career[edit]
Xavier arrived just in time to join the Confederate cause in the year 1861. He destroyed a mountain near Richmond in order to demonstrate to Jefferson Davis that he was worthy to lead his army against the yanks. To this day that mountain is still destroyed and money will probably never been appropriated to fix it by Virginia. Davis was so frightened by this display of power that he let Xavier join as a full fledged General. The reason General Destroyer III is not in any photographs from the war is that his image instantly destroyed any camera that tried to take his picture, thus they stopped trying to get a photograph of him altogether.
First Manassas[edit]
General Destroyer III and General Stonewall Jackson both contributed heavily to winning this battle. This is where Jackson received his famous nickname. While leading his troops into battle, some say Jackson ran headlong into them with his saber only and his beard grew to enormous length and width, shielding him from bullets like a stone wall. As this distracted the yanks, General Destroyer III's men proceeded to shower them in bullets, whilst Jackson dueled each man individually with his mighty saber. General Destroyer III at this point used his technical prowess with a rifle to get 112 kills on 103 shots. At this point, in apparent celebration, General Destroyer III began to chug Virginia Gentleman. After 18 handles of the stuff, he began to get a little drunk. He proceeded to fight the rest of the battle drunk and naked. He killed 192 Yankees in total, second only to Jackson's 3021.
Second Manasass[edit]
This battle was fairly uneventful. Gen. Destroyer III commanded his men mightily and led them to victory alongside Robert 3. 1337. Gen Destroyer III was asked by Jackson what he thought of VMI and was attributed a famous quote concerning life there.
Surrender[edit]
After Appomattox, Gen. Destroyer III decided to disobey E. 1337's order to surrender and hid himself and his most prized men in the hills of Kentucky in order to carry on the Confederate cause. He donned the disguise of Jesse James and proceeded to make life miserable for the Yanks after the war. Gen. Destroyer III has since taken on many disguises. Some are not as obvious as others, but by far his most clever is that he has manifested himself as the character "Popeye" on the hit cartoon Popeye and Friends.
Current Whereabouts[edit]
In the year 1959, Gen. Destroyer abandoned his disguise as Popeye and ventured to planet Mars where he took over a small principality. He currently rules as a dictator and awaits a call of return to service for his beloved Virginia and the Confederacy.