Jerk Guy

It doesn't take a genius to figure this out monkey dick. Start squirming little man.

Have you ever wanted to get a girl? Get a job? Win something? Generally succeed in life? Well, too bad! Because you won't! You're destined to always be a complete loser in every way, shape, and form! However, you can bet your collection of Naruto plushies (the only things that will ever love you) that some guy will. Who? Think about the one person in your life who deserves it least. The one guy who shows absolutely no empathy for anyone else and gets whatever he wants. That's right: Jerk Guy. Many scientists with shiny laminated certificates that let them know things have theories on Jerk Guy. And the general consensus is: "NG=Last" or in unscientific terms, nice guys finish last.

Jerk Guy and You

Ever wonder why Jerk Guy gets away with every single malicious thing he's ever done? Well, it's quite simple really. The mathematical formula is as follows: $NG(NiceGuy)<JG(JerkGuy)$ Furthermore, $NG/JG<1$. What does this mean? According to this mathematical theory, when Jerk Guy (JG) is taken into consideration, you are either a zero (in the context of zero being another word for loser) or lower. That's right, being a negative number is possible when you are up against Jerk Guy! In fact, it's likely.

Why Jerk Guy Will Get Your Girl

Don't be a good neighbor to her anymore or I'll have to send you a love letter! Straight from my heart, fucker! You know what a love letter is? It's a bullet from a fucking gun, fucker! You receive a love letter from me, and you're fucked forever! You understand, fuck? I'll send you straight to hell, fucker!

According to general female consensus, girls want caring, kind men who will protect them and nurture them.

Chicks dig jerks. The meaner, the better. Nice Guys are typically reduced to "just friends" status, no matter what they do. The best way to get a girl to like you is to cheat on her, physically abuse her, then cheat on her again. In fact, you can combine both of these things with utmost efficiency by cheating on her, then bitch slapping her when she gets suspicious! If you choose to go down the "Nice Guy" route, you will die old, pathetic, and alone.

Why Jerk Guy Will Get Your Job

In the business world, there are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. If you're a sheep, your natural predator is a coyote, but, because the business world is short on fish, sharks will eat you anyway. That being said, unless you're Jerk Guy, you're a sheep, and he's the shark. If you aren't eaten by him on the first day, he'll at least get a raise, and you won't. Someday, he'll be so far above you on the business ladder that he can fire you. And, because he's Jerk Guy, he will, for very little if any reason at all. In that case, you should consider yourself extremely lucky. You didn't get eaten and that's a good thing.

Why Jerk Guy Hates YOU!

Now now, if you think this you've got it all wrong. Jerk Guy doesn't especially hate you. Rather, he goes about his business blissfully ignoring what is right and wrong, and taking pleasure in generally making other people feel bad. Jerk Guy knows, you see, that to get what you want in this world you don't have to be a good person...quite the opposite, in fact. He knows that being nasty gets you places. But, to be honest: yes, he does particularly hate you. Why? I don't know. He's just an asshole.