Internal Monologue

The ultra-libellous transcript of what somebody is most likely thinking is their Internal Monologue; essentially a conversation with oneself, otherwise known as Speaking In-Loud (rather than out).

Historically Significant Internal Monologues

Each epoch of modern civilisation has probably almost certainly pirouetted upon what somebody is more than likely saying to themselves. Mankind's most earth shattering events are detailed below in internal transcript form.

The Defilement of Jennifer Wilbanks

1. Jennifer sunbathing her eyeballs 2. Photo-fit of the kidnapper 3. ??

One day holy homecoming virgin queen princess-bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks took a pre-marital frolic in the arboretum in order to sunbathe her eyeballs...

"Jesus freaking Christ! I just can't wait another second until I'm all married and everything!"

"Oh Christ Jenny will our bug-eyes and melon-brain soon be sainted???"

"Lord on High Alter would you just look at me? I'm jogging with such pep in my paces!"

"Oh look Jenny, that Hispanic man is hiding behind a parked lamppost???"

"Holy Communion please protect me as I pass by this Copper Colored Criminal!"

"Oh no Jenny, I think he's grabbed hold of your sports bra???"

"Gossamer wing'd Gods won't you spare my powdered jogging bodice?"

"Oh Christ are we in his thrall now Jenny???"

"Trinity of Ghosts rebirth now and swoop down as my divine defenders against the brown devil!"

"Oh Christ, are we being raped Jenny???"

"Oh Pappy! Oh Pope! Why must I forever reek of this freaking ACCURSED SEXYness????"

"Oh Christ, are we being raped Jenny???"

Duncan Ferguson is Left to His Own Devices

Duncan Disorderly staggers into his kitchen, overturns the dining table, sits in the sink, pours Bran Flakes in his lap and then turns the tap on...

What Dunc thinks:

Luk ut thaa' sloshin' arrund in yur lap Dunc

Translation:

Look at that stuff sloshing around in your lap Duncan!

Et luks laiyk uh wee firrmament, duz it no'?

It looks just like a firmament, does it not?

The laand b'furr tiym, iz it no'?

A land before time, is it not?

Me bein' th' King in iz karsul...

Me being the king, living in his castle...

...at torp of my tawurr eye luk doon my lang rrregul nooz at a prrehistoric kingdum, duu eye no'?

...at the top of my tower I look down my long regal nose at a prehistoric kingdom, do I not?

Kennin' the wee tectonic plates az theey mill aboot...

Watching the tiny tectonic plates as they mill about...

Look Dunc heerr cumz an ast'rroid!!!!

Look Duncan! Here comes an asteroid!!!!

It was at this point that Duncan plunged his fist into the Bran Flake firmament, in simulation of an asteroid impact, which left a crater.

The ast'rroid print maayd four lang furrowz

The asteroid print made four long furrows

Four vah-lez b'tween fiyv hulls

Four valleys between five hills

And in the fourth vah-leh sits Lork Ferrgusun

And in the fourth valley sits Loch Ferguson

It's thought a faybelled creechurr frum firmament tymes may lurk in theez wuturrs

It's thought a fabled creature of firmament times may still lurk in these waters

Look! Thur's the beest noo...

Look there goes the beast now!

Lawllin' aboot in Duncan Bay...

Lolling about in Duncan Bay...

Posin' fir toorists huu caiym doon from th' hills...

Posing for tourists who came down from the hills...

Swannin' arrund my lork wi' a poutin' snout...

Swanning about my Loch and pouting his snout...

Thaat corcky corkless kaamra-hoggin' kunt...

That cocky cockless camera-hogging cunt!!!!

Am' fair shurr that f'kin' baunless prretty-boy thinks 'e auwns th' plaiyss...

I'm fairly certin that fucking boneless pretty-boy thinks he owns the place!!!!!!

Al' wipe thaa' smuurk auff yurr faiyss!!!!!

I'll wipe that smirk off your face!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was at this point Duncan head butted his tiny civilisation into a featureless pulp, killing all the tourists as well as the monster affectionately known as "Dunky".

Nay mur hills noo...

No more hills now...

Jus' flaat as a doylee as far as sorry Dunc's eyes care t'ey luuk

...all is now flat as a doily

Fiyv nooble hill-top tauns razed doon too naut

Five noble hill-top towns razed down to nothing

An' that puurr wee wriggla...

And that poor little wriggler...

My happy Lork wurrm! My pretty babbie snaaik! Daddy begs furrgivenuss!

Translation: My happy Loch worm!!! My pretty baby snake!!! Daddy begs your forgiveness!!!!!!!