Imperial Science

Imperial Science is, more or less, the methodology in which scientists may critique whether or not they (or their fellow scientist) have the mental stability, hardness, readyness and hardmemory required to perform certain scientific tasks. Such tasks may be as diverse as complete natal care, or as linear as the Scientific Method itself.

History

Thomas Jefferson was the first known practitioner of the Imperial Science method. A journal written by a man named Gains Strongstone carefully detailed a lengthy (and albeit untrustworthy account) of the method Employed by Thomas Jefferson. The method arose pre 1631 as an attempt to endure a problem Mr. Jefferson was experiencing, when he found his wife shifting between two realms. He stumbled upon her upper torse jammed between a Straight-Log (Regulation) and the front door. Gains Strongstone wrote of the event in his Memoir, "The Promise and Cornerstone of the Method according to Lawrence St. Jefferson",

"I believe it to be roughly 6'oclock when his wife began time-shifting. I recall her body began to pulse vividly and her eyes became indistinguishable from the surrounding landscape, and at one point her brain, scalp, and skullframe were completely visible. Fortunately Thomas was nearby and immediately began stroke-sequencing her from on a metaphysical level, and as such her body gradually began to subsist."

The authenticity of this account has been called into question due to a large sample of blood found near the Memoir, which has been confirmed to be the blood of over 16 presidents whom were not re-elected (none of which will be listed here). Nevertheless, Strongestone who is still alive today according to the promise practice glory glorium and honour retention procured herein by Highpreistess Karen Sancuary has promised to release further memoirs regarding the history of the Imperial Scientific method.

The Problem

Several leading physicists including Karen Sancuary have argued that although confirmed, this method of self-examination is risky for several reasons and can be summarized as such:

"Even though absolute molecular verification is CERTAINLY POSSIBLE, due to the constant fluctuations of the human immune system verification is very unlikely, even in the most ideal situations. Not to mention, the Imperial Science method is inappropriately named as it is nither scientific, nor imperial in any sense of the word (ibid)." Furthermore, she was also quoted saying, "In addition to being a violation of the metaphysical laws established by Thomas Jefferson himself, some of the methodology is self-refuting due to the nature of the procedures required. Much of the Imperial Science method is speculation at best, and, Physically, many of the tenants of the method are simply impossible."

Nature of the Imperial Method according to Thomas Jefferson and the generally feeble nature of the human time-system

The criteria to employ such methodology is very general and a few simple 'events' must be adhered to. First, the subject must have been pre-soaked in time-venom to enable his body to withstand the changes he will undergoe. Time venom is extremely hard to locate and is only found in the most remote regions of earth (Puerto-Rico, New Zealand, Switzerland). Second, the subject must have been sworn into office no later than September 27th, 1555. Third, the subject must have been within striking range of Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison, Thomas Paine, Josef Stalin, Regulard Stalin, Regulation, Gloria Von Himmel, or any of the presidents elected prior to the election and re-election of Ben Franklin (pre-electrocution). Fourth, the subject must swear not to overcritique his comrades upon gaining and sustaining the said methodology. And finally the subject must not have been born in a climate with a total temperature range greater than 89 degrees. If the aformentioned can be adhered to, the subject shows great promise of accessing this methodology.

Purpose & Process

Simply put, the Imperial Scientific method is ultimately and almost solely concerned with absolute degradation of anyone employed under the greater umbrella of human sciences. This also includes earth sciences. Through stringent meditation and hardship, the mind of the practitioner can actually become volatile and corrosive, even to the point of dimensionality. To those unaware, or even aware, the instability of the practitioner's mind will become obvious (and rapidly dangerous). Generally withinn 16 to 32 hours, those unprepaired will experience sudden and unsightly changes in physical and molecular appearance. In the following 2 to 6 hours, the unprepaired will begin to notice a decline in physical density and may actually begin to pass through objects, furthermore a decline in self-esteem may subtly set in. The effected person's will also begin to see a shift in moral standards, personal convictions and skin colour. Several eye witnesses have testified to seeing, "a black-yellow mist seeping from the mouths of the affected individuals, with an obvious decay in ethical decision making". It is estimated that amongst those afflicted, less than 6% receive proper burial proceedures, partly because either the body is suspended in mid-air, or the body is simply unlocateable. Off the cost of Whales (622LAT/59LONG) a body can be seen floating in mid air roughly 12 miles up.

The Criticom/Fisk Incident

The Criticom Fisk Incident is the most well-doccumented and public occurance of the Imperial Science methodology being employed on a large scale.

The incident (not to be confused with the noun insident) took place in Lyjourn Washington, near Seattle. Shanna Shamestring was working in a Lab with several other researchers when one of the co-workers began to subsist, just as was reported by Gains in the original insident. It is believed to have been triggered by a massive temporal relapse of 3 co-workers (two of whom were under marital lock), which is worth mentioning because it is been cited in some documentation that marital lock can cause unpredicted results, this incident being a testament to such. During a routine data transfer between the two married scientists, one of the vases popped. According to a report released after the event, this vase popping triggered a long string of unrelated events that elapsed over a very short period of time. Because the very fabric of Natural Law within this lab was broken (and violently so) and the criteria for successful Imperial Scientific Methodology could not be previously met, the events that took place - though shocking - should not be hailed as a supprise. The following details a list of events that happened starting from least violent, to most and it should be noted that all of the events happened within roughly 36 minutes.

Early moments: Michelle Kimball reports feeling a sensation similar to that of labor. Michael Forreston, Tim Thungston, Tim Bearstil, Jamie Korekulev, Nadir Satisfy, Aaron Igreson, and Dale Earnenscheinder all report a similar sensation to their supervisor and despite the strange circumstance, are told simply to, "return to work". Two to three minutes later, Tim Thungston and Tim Bearstil are indistinguishable from each other, and Nadir Satisfy assumes the form of a mollusk. Nadir Satisfy was also the first casualty.

Midpoint: The room begins to warpfold, 16 physical laws are broken, and an additional 22 unscientific laws are simultaneously broken. Michael Forreston is propelled into the roof, breaking his ulnar shaft, spine, both femur's and lower adrian. All clocks were reported to have been set back 2 minutes and all sequences taking place therein actually repeat themselves.

Middle End or "The Graft Seconds": At roughly minute 18, Nadir Satisfy is seen walking to her desk. Three scientists reported seeing her carrying out peculiar activities, including reconfiguration of company data during an IFE (Immediate Fatal Event). Of the names listed, all but 2 were elevated 14 feet in the air along with miscellaneous scientific equipment, power samples, rotund elements, paperwork (faxed and unfaxed) and the bank statements of roughly 6 million american citizens, which prior to that moment did not exist within the compound.

End Event: Before the subsequent and ambiguous deaths of all but 3 employees, Thomas Jefferson recited his inauguration speech, followed by the inauguration speeches of presidents 19, 20, 21, 52, 53, and 54. Curiously, all were incanted in the voice of a woman (with the exception of Abraham Lindstrom). And after each speech it was reported that the size of the facility expanded and shrank very rapidly, following the vibrato of Thomas Jeffersons voice. One scientist reported hearing what he reports was, 'the tuning of a violin in the onset of a live performance, where the tuner was generally unprepared for his performance'. Unfortunately, the moments of the final minutes may never be conclusively known.

Of the survivors we have the following testimony.

Garrison wrote, "I remember Wesley Commonfolk drinking from what looked like a recently used test-beaker just before his eyes began to expand and contract at an astonishing rate. His shrill voice filled the labratory like a kitten begin swung from a pedastool, and icron ooze sept from his nose and mouth. Janice ran down the hall and suddenly dissppeared, as well as sixteen other scientists."

Another survivor, whos name is not listed in the police report testified, "Amidst the carnage I could see atleast 16 bodies orbiting a central point in the center of the room. At first I thought they may have been orbiting some central beaker unit, which would not have been unusual, but then one of the bodies began to twist and stretch very unnaturally, even for a physicist and that is when I began to worry for his well being."

The third survivor wrote, "It was as if every one of us was being divinely punished for some grevious task we had jointly carried out. The way Sandras body was warped and pressed between solid objects, the way Ivan's eyes were condensed to liquid, solid, and then gassious form only to be reconciled, only to be warped and pressed once more. The only thing more shocking than the incident itself is the fact that many of the bodys are still in the labratory rotating around the same central Beaker, and Ivan is, to this day -- 16 months after the events, still screaming. I just (sic) wish get out of this field before something else like this gets published. The Lord himself may have spared but few of us from utter annihilation."

The Criticom Fisk Insident received little attention from the Media, making the exact nature of the events difficult to determine, and some bodies were never actually recovered.