HowTo:Take a bad review out of context

FNORD! This article is too close to the TRUTH! Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

So your latest $80 million budget movie isn't that good. Let's just say it's terrible just to be safe. On top of that, a slew of movie reviewers from around the country have demoralized its quality with throngs of incredibly bad reviews. But you don't want this embarrassment of a film to lose you your precious mansion in LA, so what do you do? You take bad movie reviews out of context. Don't quite get the gist of it yet? Don't worry, here are a few helpful tips to make sure your ridiculously retarded movie gets the recognition(and profit) you need to pay off all those Porsches.

Step 1: Finding the proper review

First, you're going to need the right review to edit before you include it in the trailer of your new film. Since it's unlikely you're going to find any review with some actual positiveness, you'll need to take a bad review(with positive potential) and make it sound better.

To elaborate: Don't quote an excerpt from an astonishingly critical review that would be by all means impossible to glorify, even by paraphrasing.

Example:

“ Utterly the worst piece of garbage I have ever seen. Fucking terrible. ”

Now then, is there any way we could make this better? That's right, no, there is no way this quote can be manipulated to help your film's image.

Instead, look for removable negatives, or adjectives and phrases that can be completely taken out to improve the quality of the review.

Example:

“ At any rate, if there is any movie less likely to win an Academy Award, I would rather spork out my eyeballs than ever see it. ”

With a few words taken out here and there, we can take this bad review and turn it into something much more positive and less wordy.

“ Likely to win an Academy Award. ”

Now, that's going to look quite tasty in your TV spot, isn't it?

Step 2: Editing

So now you have a suitable review, and all you need to do is know just how to manipulate it properly. This may take some practice, but once you know just how do it, your box office gross will soar through the roof (at least during the first weekend).

As mentioned Step 1, the key to taking bad reviews out of context is removing words, as adding them would be illegal or something. Let's take a bad review and see just what we can do with it.

“ Out of all this summer's blockbuster releases, I must say [insert movie title here] was by far the worst. Along with having absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, this movie was simply painful to watch. The sound effects must have been the director's main focus of the movie, because they manage to be louder than the actors' voices. To the director's credit, however, the acting was in fact horrendous and omitting the lines made the movie slightly more bearable. But on top of everything, the movie's actual plot was featuring a bunch of scantily-clad men, sweating constantly, romping around like a bunch of muscular fairies. Other reviewers may have referred to this movie as being "fun". For your own sake, I suggest you completely ignore them as they are probably mildly retarded. ”

Ouch! If you are going to use this review, you're going to have to remove a lot of stuff. Watch and learn:

Out of all this summer's blockbuster releases, I must say [insert movie title here] was by far the worst. Along with having absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, this movie was simply painful to watch. The sound effects must have been the director's main focus of the movie, because they manage to be louder than the actors' voices. To the director's credit, however, the acting was in fact horrendous and omitting the lines made the movie slightly more bearable. But on top of everything, the movie's main focus was featuring scantily-clad men, sweating constantly, romping around like a bunch of muscular fairies. Other reviewers may have referred to this movie as being "fun". For your own sake, I suggest you completely ignore them as they are probably mildly retarded.

Now, wasn't that easy? Let's try something harder:

“ Recently I had the displeasure of having to watch [insert movie title here]. Now, when I say displeasure, I mean I have NEVER, EVER, seen a movie so reprehensibly badly written, acted, choreographed-- whatever, to put it simply, and I mean simply; this was the worst movie I have ever seen in almost every aspect imaginable. I can only think of two words to describe it: FUCKING AWFUL. Simply writing about it brings back the horrid memories of watching it, yet I am only doing so to warn you all about this film. I literally had to cut my own thumbs off just to take my mind off of what might've been the worst experience of my life. I would rather have someone stick a crowbar up my rectum than to ever see that movie again. Never see it. EVER! That's all I can say. ”

He's probably not exaggerating, but what's important is that your film does well, isn't it? Edit away!

Recently I had the displeasure of having to watch [insert movie title here]. Now, when I say displeasure, I mean I have NEVER, EVER, seen a movie so reprehensibly badly written, acted, choreographed-- whatever, to put it simply, and I mean simply; this was the worst movie I have ever seen in almost every aspect imaginable. I can only think of two words to describe it: FUCKING AWFUL. Simply writing about it brings back the horrid memories of watching it, yet I am only doing so to warn you all about this film. I literally had to cut my own thumbs off just to take my mind off of what might've been the worst experience of my life. I would rather have someone stick a crowbar up my rectum than to ever see that movie again. Never see it. EVER! That's all I can say.

Hurrah! You've managed to make something similar to a mental health warning into a desirable quotation. And to imagine, you did it all by yourself!

Step 3: Show me the money!

Though it is obviously not the case, you've made it appear as though your crappy movie actually has some box office potential! You'll be rolling in the cash, at least until people actually start seeing the movie and realizing how shitty it is.