HowTo:Say and use the word "feck"

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Welcome to the ancient gaelic art of saying the word 'Feck'. it is a useful word, as it allows you to express a lot about your history, heritage, and all that other useful bollocks, very quickly. Also, very usefully, it allows you to sound really cool, which in turn is useful, as it sounds a lot like a swear word, the most useful of all words (except it, just, figs, die-hard, cumulation, cooperate and names in general).

Being Irish

To say the word feck you must be Irish, if you are not Irish then you must become Irish. If you do not want to become Irish and you use the word feck then you will never be able to eat potatoes again. If you never want to eat potatoes again this is useful,until you remember chips, crisps, spud guns and that edible packaging made of potato starch.

If you don't care about any of these things then you should probably just curl up and sob yourself into dehydration right now before the nuns get to you.

Becoming Irish

If you are not irish and wish to become irish, there are several things you can do, which is extreamly useful.

1. Practice buddism. Then you are free to kill yourself, reincarnate on the emerald isle grow up as say feck. remembering 50 years of study to reach enlightenment and inner peace, and about 16 years to learn to walk, talk, solo urinate, be attacked with rulers etc this is quite a lengthy process, which is useful if you're bored one night because your internet isn't working and you have remembered the entire contents of this page.
2. Get drunk a lot. This step should be relatively easy.
3. Slap your wife 'oops-up-side-the-head'. preferebly whilst pregnant. dont worry, its all in the name of god... no sorry not god. i meant something completely different... oh yes! the catholic church. this is one of the most fun ways to become irish. (if you agree with this statement then you are already irish!!! which is immensely useful)
4. Potatoes
5. Anything to do with the catholic church. if you're a woman, nun it up! a man? nun it up still, its better being a man because you dont have sex with men anyway, plus if you have a lifeguarding qualification you can see all the other nuns in their church appointed bikini's.

Congratulations, you are now Irish. Celebrate with a potato.

Saying feck

You know how to say fuck dont you?that would be vastly, immeasurably useful. just say fuck, but when you reach the 'uh' replace it with 'eh'. it helps to take it by surprise, like trying to say it, failing, saying fuck in your shame and accidentally saying feck. another option is to pay arnold swartzanegger's voice coach seven kind edemburuoroughoughouugh potatoes an hour. (if you were prepared to relinquish your potatoes you are not irish, go away). sell your soul to the devil, he'll help you on your way. although many people claim that having a soul has more perks that the word feck, they are damn fecking northern ireland protestant scum and will be crushed in an eireoislamic jihad.

Ironically, when asked to say feck no Irish feckers know what you are talking about, so they can't teach you. try attaching yourself to the inside of an irishmans cheek or the fold of skin inbetween their eyebrows hiding their third 'potatoe-finder' eye. this will allow you to catch them off guard. (please note, if you record the word feck being said by someone and play it to an irishman, they will implode. this is how seldom seen 'green holes' are created)

Why the feck do I need to know this??

Feck is possibly the most imeasurably and indescribably useful word you will ever come accross in your tiny insignificant existence. Now that you can say it, I will tell you it's immense power. (it's kind of like giving a neuclear bomb to George Bush, telling him to do something with it, and then informing him on what it does afterwards)

• Feck will let everyone know that you are irish, which has gotta be a perk!

• If you are still in school, you can say feck all you like and teachers cant do anything because its not a swear word! (tee heehee)

• If you are at work, you can say feck all you like and your boss cant do anything because it's not a swear word!! (teehee tee heehee)

• If you are a hobo on the street because you got kicked out of school and work, you can say feck all you like and the police cant do anything because it's not a swear word!!! (tee heehe-*cough cough-hack* heehee)

• Potatoes

• If you have lost your voice from too much childish laughing, or from inhaling a feck load of pepper spray, then you are the most unlucky son-of-a-bitch that ever graced the emerald isle.