HowTo:Rear a Midget

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So, you want to rear a midget. I applaud you. You are taking on a challenge few would qualify for. A challenge few would survive. Follow these steps, and you may just live through the ordeal. Otherwise, your midget will get the better of you.

Steps for Success

A Midget that has eaten after midnight, the poor bastard.

1. Finding a Midget

This is a critical step! Choosing a Midget with the wrong temperment will make your life a living hell, on the flip side choosing one with a temperment suited to you will make training you midget a breeze. E-Bay Midgets are a crap shoot only go this route if you are desperate! Mail order Midgets from a reputable breeder are usually a safe bet (always check their references and return policy). If getting a Midget from a friend or co-worker whose Midget has recently had a litter requires a little home work. Observe the Sire and Bitch that whelped the littter to see if they have a temperment you would be comfortable with. Avoid the runt of the litter as they usually have a Napolian complex.

2. Housebreak the midget

Just like any pet, a midget needs to be carefully housebroken to avoid unpleasant things like stained carpets and midget turds, carefully tucked under the carpet. To prevent this, whip the midget severely on the buttocks when he slips up, and reward him with midget-snacks when he behaves. Midgets always respond to snacks.

3. Kick the Midget

This is always a good way to keep your midget in line. Both disciplinary and recreational kickings are strongly recommended, as they keep the midget downtrodden, and moderately subdued.

4. Break the Midget

• Twist random bits of midget until desired effect achieved.
• Dress the midget in itchy clothing (like wool or burlap).
• Flick the midget: This is like water torture, midget style.
• Be creative. If you aren't, the midget will win.

5. Cause the Midget Psychological Pain

Make sure the midget feels poorly about himself, at any costs. Embarrassing nick-names and costumes work well (I had a pink bunny suit for mine). Remember a happy midget is a dangerous midget. Always.

6. Castrate the Midget

A castrated midget is a docile midget. Remember that. Never underestimate the power of removing your midget's balls. Among other things, removing the testicles negates the transformation ability mentioned in step 9.

7. Cavity Search

You never know what your midget is hiding from you. Drugs, alcohol, anally concealed weapons, it all could be in there. Regularly fishing around the cavities will probably save your life. Wear latex gloves, some things they hide may be caustic.

8. Playing with your Midget

Playing with yoursel... er, with your midget will keep it active and healthy. I regularly take mine to the park and enter Midget Tossing contests. Fetching the morning paper and your slippers will keep them entertained in the morning. If you drug the midget, it will also be a prime object for any and all sexual aggression.

9. Feeding your Midget

Water should always be available (one of them little hamster water bottles works well) but remember NEVER get them wet (a dozen large blisters will form and a day later a dozen new non-housebroken midgets will pop out of the blisters) and NEVER feed them after dark or they will change into evil gnomes and trash your house (possibly they entire town)!

10. Teaching your midget tricks

This can be trying and difficult but in the end highly rewarding. One of the tricks I've taught my midget is to climb into jewellery store windows to collect pretty toys. Every few weeks I have him get new toys and I dispose of the old toys. He's also trained to collect Easter candy for me. Remember to systematically beat the midget, after giving it a midget snack, in order to make sure it understands who is boss.

11. Uses for a dead Midget

So, your midget's dead (forget to water it?) Cheer up, if you're at all handy there are dozens of uses for a dead midget. They make good fertilizer for rose beds, leaving it in your buddies trunk and then calling the cops is a fun prank, have your midget stuffed (always use a licensed taxidermist) in the pose of your choice for use as a coat rack, umbrella stand, coffee or end table (I had one on hands and knees with a plate of glass on it's back that made a great coffee table), foot stool/ottoman, bike rack, lawn jockey, dog house, mail box, lunch box, bird feeder, etc. The uses are limited only by your imagination.

Good luck, and remember to break the midget.

Please note that the steps listed are not actually intended for real midgets, just pretend midgets that need beating on. Raising a real midget is actually quite straight-forward, and no kicking is required.