HowTo:Pick a Horse Race

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Ok, you might want to pass on this one...

There is no greater, and easier way, to get rich than by playing the ponies. That's right, what other activity in life can one start with a small amount of money and end with a larger one? Horse racing is your key to success, so here's how to pick a horse race.

Understanding the Odds[edit]

The odds are the first hurdle one must encounter before picking a winner in a particular race. In horse racing the odds are determined by two things, what so-called experts think and what the betting public thinks. Prior to a race a betting line is placed down by the experts, who supposedly know what they're talking about. They will have watched a lot of races and provide an initial handicap of the field. So here is what the initial line might look like:

*Dr. Doom 40-1
*Senior Citizen Kane 2-1
*You Won't Lose 3-2
*Papa Smurf 5-3
*Oscar Wilde 4-3
*Ballmer Will Fucking Kill You 11-5
*Desperate for A Win 7-1
*Filled With Rage 4-1

The bookmakers have suggested these opening values and now await the input of the betters. The final, closing line is dependent on which horses the betters tend to pick and how much money they place on the horses. When all of the bets are taken and the windows are closed the final odds are posted, and your winnings depend on this closing line. So, let's look at our closing line:

*Dr. Doom 12-1
*Senior Citizen Kane 4-3
*You Won't Lose 6-5
*Papa Smurf 2-1
*Oscar Wilde 4-3
*Ballmer Will Fucking Kill You 10-3
*Desperate for A Win 9-2
*Filled With Rage 2-1

So, that means if you placed a bet of $3 on Ballmer Will Fucking Kill You, you'll win $10. Now the next major step is choosing your horse.


A horse race in progress. Damn, I had my money on the third horse, Liquid Diamond Lipstick, and he seems to be loosing...


Nothing can tell a champion except by the way the horse looks. Who cares how he did in previous races, you only judge books by there covers. So look for the one with the shiniest coat (that probably impresses you the most anyway) or the biggest dick. Either way, you will spot that champion.

  • Pros: You can really impress people by doing this, if your right.Horse Racing picks
  • Cons: You'll look like a retard if you lose.

Talking to the Horse[edit]

Ever since you were little you've had an ability to talk to animals. So get to know the horse's personality, give it lots of encouragement, and see if it has the mental stuff to win.

  • Pros: You might just have "what it takes" to become a horse trainer and make more money that way.
  • Cons: They may think your crazy and you'll be banned from the stables.

Knowing Who Will Win[edit]

While often looked down on as a "corrupting influence" on the sport, this is very simple. All you have to do is bribe (or intimidate, that's often cheaper) the jockeys who you want to lose and place your bet on the winner.

  • Pros: It's a guaranteed victory. You'll be seen as an expert. You'll make a lot of money.
  • Cons: It's expensive. You could get banned from the tracks if caught. You will wind up getting involved in organized crime. If your "fix" is revealed you'll probably end horse racing as we know it.

If all else Fails[edit]

Somebody, somewhere has to have a winning ticket with a perfect trifecta! They've must have misplaced it. It's got to be here on the ground, somewhere.

  • Pros: Works best if your a cheap-ass, or if you've dropped tons of money on the horses.
  • Cons: Often the betting windows are closed by the time you find the right ticket.

Where to Place a Bet[edit]


Shaka Kahn, running out of the 5 spot at Belmont's grass race today, has 15-1. They've been practicing him real slow so he should fool everybody. He's a sure winner.

So, now that you've decided that you want to bet your mortgage on a pony, you've got to decide where to go to gamble. Here are some of the top places to do so:

At The Track[edit]

What can be better than a fun filled family experience at the race track. You can actually see the horses race and your encouragement will help them get to victory. And it's fun for the whole family. While you're watching the races, the grandparents can spend quality time with the slot machines (except at Pimlico), and the kids get to see wildlife (OK, horses and maybe some squirrels but it's better than nothing).

  • Pros: You get some fresh air (even if it smells like manure), spend time with the family.
  • Cons: You kinda have to bring your family which can get real awkward when you have to tell the kids they won't be going to college.

Off Track Betting[edit]


The horse named Drug Lord, who's running in the steeple chase at Santa Anita this afternoon is a sure thing.

So, going to the track is inconvenient, and even more inconveniently you have to go to work. That's no problem, just go into one of the many neighborhood OTBs to place your wager.

  • Pros: You can bet on lots of different horse races across the nation, enabling you to earn a lot more money all at once.
  • Cons: You can also lose a lot of money all at once. Those places are sleazy.


The first to ways of placing a bet on horses involve giving the state a cut of your hard earned winnings. But by placing a bet with these guys, you don't have to worry about paying taxes!

  • Pros: Allows you to place large wagers on horses with out having to give any of it up. Willing to help out with loans. Enables you to bet on other sporting events.
  • Cons: You had better give them your money, or else they will break your thumbs, legs, knees, or kill you. Try not to win too much, or else they will kill you.