HowTo:Make a Horror Movie
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So, you wanna make a horror movie, huh? Think you're a regular John Carpenter, or George Romero and that you're gonna break new ground with this pathetic pile of crap you call a "thriller". Well, you might as well face it. No one will watch this because it's not a horribly produced slaughter-fest like Descent or Stay Alive that all the "cool" kids at school have seen "like twenty-seven times, man." If you wanna have success, you're gonna have to follow the same formula that all the modern directors use when making a horror movie and just use the same cliches that a grade-schooler could point out.
Choosing a hero (the main character who either dies last or doesn't die until your shitty sequel) is key to producing a typical horror movie. Although since everyone dies in horror movies now, you should follow that same formula. Below are the typical stereotypes for various heroes and other characters (who die).
- The Dumb Blonde - A very overused (and therefore succesful) cliched character. She is almost always the only chick in the movie who doesn't expose herself (although she's usually the hottest; directors do this to piss you off). She is the one who runs upstairs from the killer rather than running out the front door. She almost always trips and hurts her ankle, therefore sealing her fate in Oblivion forever.
- The Tough, Dark-haired, Jock - This is a complicated character. Well, not really. Normally in the movie he'll do a lot of fucking. A LOT. He almost always flips out and says FUCK a lot throughout the movie because he's so cool. He always "kills" the killer, who comes back to life and kills the jock.
- The Slut - One of the first people to die in the movie. She screws someone towards the beginning (because without sex scenes, movies are just bullshit without sex scenes). And screwing seals her tomb. Almost always, she'll be killed in mid-screw by the killer. Just make sure you get a lot of the sex in first. That'll guaruantee success for your movie.
- The Black Dude - Make sure you give him a black name like Mo'Reese or Kanye. This will make him sound tough. He is almost always the first to die also. Of course, this is reflects no racism whatsoever, right....?
Now you need a killer. Not a scary one, just an overused cliched one.
- A guy with a knife.
- A guy with a chainsaw.
- A guy with a knife taped to a chainsaw.
- A guy with an axe.
- A guy with machete.
All of the above killers should wear a mask. Make it a hockey mask. Yeah, that'd be awesome, because it's not like, used anywhere else...
Now you must pick a place for the killing to happen. Remember than any of the below locations can used in the same movie.
- An old house.
- An old house in the woods.
- An old cabin. In the woods.
- The woods.
- A College Fraternity Party (There is so much sex and drinking, everyone is guaranteed to be butchered).
- A College Fraternity party in the woods (although this might not work because it's a new and ground-breaking idea. Stick to cliches).
Ah, yes. You could always say "Fuck my original (cliched) ideas. I'm making a remake." That is good. Because remakes are cliched, and cliches make money. Remake a classic movie, using the same shit but putting in drugs, fucking, and naughty language. Now it's been updated to entertain the hordes of drunken, piss-brained retards that inhabit America today.
I guess that you could try to make a thriller, like 1408 but it might not be well-received since it would be a decent movie. We don't want that. We want mindless bull shit. Now.