HowTo:Have fun in a department store

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Some people have fun shopping for clothes in department stores. However, there are many others, usually children of the former, who in their mind-numbing boredom, are forced to resort to creative means of having fun in these places, such as getting lost. But fear the department store no longer, for it turns out that there are many things you can do in one, and many of these things are so much fun that the employees will eject you from the premises for even thinking about them. So start having fun fast with this list, brought to you by Macy's and JCPenny's, of ways to have fun in a department store.

  • You know those free pantyhose they always put in little tissue boxes? Take a whole bunch of those, and sneak them out of the store, marveling at how “bad” you are. If you bring a friend, compete to get the most. If an employee tries to get them back from you, sneeze on or cough in at least one of them. "Oops, you mean those weren't tissues?"
  • Strike up a conversation with one of the mannequins. Act like you know them from somewhere. Pretend to grow increasingly angry throughout the course of the “meeting” until you punch the mannequin’s lights out. When an employee approaches, just tell them that you were giving the @$%# what they deserved, kick the mannequin’s head, and walk away.
  • Take random articles of clothing from around the store—a bathing suit, evening gown, sarcastic T-shirt, pantyhose—and put them all on. Wear some of them on your head, and some on your shoulders - anything including everything can be a hat or scarf. All the tops also work well as coats and sweatshirts. Walk around the store casually, and see what people say.
  • Dress in the clothing of the opposite sex, and walk around the store until someone asks you if you are a man or woman. When they do, act very insulted, and start sobbing into your dress/butch T-shirt.
  • Go into one of the changing rooms with a scantily clad mannequin, and start making suggestive noises.
  • Put on as many of the free pantyhose as you can. Put them on all your toes and fingers. Then, put them on your feet and arms. If you still haven’t run out of pantyhose, try and use one for both of your legs, and one for both of your arms. Then, (Surgeon General’s Warning: The following is a very stupid idea) put one over your head. You are now the Evil Pantyhose Monster, for as long as you can breathe.
  • Make funny faces in the big mirrors on the supporting columns.
  • Men: Try on the bras. Women: Try on the men’s underwear.
  • Put on a pair of shoes, run around the store like a maniac, and when an employee stops you, tell him you’re just trying to break them in. Bonus points if you wear them on your hands or tie them together and wear them like a necklace.
  • The bedding section always offers a variety of options. For example, you can have a pillow fight with a friend, and then tell store employees you’re just testing the fabric’s durability (You can say the same thing about jumping on the bed). Or, get into one of the beds, with a mannequin.
  • (Surgeon General’s Warning: You would have to be a moron to try this) Race down the store hallway in the wheeled clothing racks. If they do not have wheeled clothing racks, motorized shopping carts will also work. If they don't have either one, borrow a ladder that someone left out, and sit on top of all the shelves.
  • Play a game of hide-and-seek in the clothing racks. Just watch your head if you are over the age of 11.
  • Acting as serious as you can, go up to the perfume counter, and ask for “Eau De Guano,” or any other such creatively named scent.
  • Borrow any of the spray perfume samples that are NOT behind the counter and spray them liberally in the air like air freshener. Then announce that you just farted.
  • Ask to see one of the jewelry counter’s diamond necklaces. Examine it closely with a monocle, and then inform the employees,
    • A) It’s a worthless fake,
    • B) It’s a fragment of the Hope Diamond,
    • C) AUGHHH! I SAW MY (insert late relative's name here)! This thing is HAUNTED!
    • D) (Surgeon General’s Warning: Honestly, the person who thought all these up is a bit of an idiot) that this is a stickup, and they had better give you everything they’ve got.
  • Go to the housewares section and smell ALL the candles. Including the unscented ones and the ones that are LED lights designed to look like candles. Be certain to especially admire and comment on the scent of those unscented candles.
  • Go to the toy section and wind up ALL the music boxes and stuffed toys with music boxes in them. Every last one of them. If there are no music boxes, use the talking toys and dolls. If there are no talking toys or dolls, sing the theme song of the TV show or movie that some of the toys are promoting, at the top of your lungs. (Example: Smurf plushies = Smurf theme song, Superman action figure = Superman theme, Barbie doll = Barbie movie theme, Elmo = Sesame Street theme.) Bonus points if you can sing it in falsetto or a higher key than it was originally played in on the show. If you don't know the movie/TV/video game theme song, make one up.
  • Go to the accessories section and find a purse or bag. Stuff it full of other bags or items in the area. (Bonus if there is candy nearby.) Then put the full purse or bag back EXACTLY where you found it.
  • Go to the shoe department. Without opening the boxes, stack as many of the shoeboxes as you can together. Yay, building blocks!
  • Say, "Mommy, can we go home now?"
    • If you do not technically have a Mommy with you, say this to one of the mannequins.
  • Additionally, if you do not have a Mommy, you might want to just leave and hit the food court. I hear the pizza is good.