HowTo:Have a Lucid Dream
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Arrested for drug use? Can't handle Kitten Huffing? In rehab for a DUI? We have the perfect solution? It's called Lucid Dreaming!
What is this, "Lucid" Dreaming?
Lucid dreaming is when you gain awareness and control over your dreams, and therefore can do any fucking thing you want. For example, why not practice your tennis serve? Or revise for a test? Or fly over a mountain? Or swim to the bottom of the ocean? Or make the hobo living in your basement do a striptease for you? Doing this of course, is not as intense as the dangerous, I mean FUN street drugs you're used to, but with time, you will be able to tap into you're brain's emotion core, and simulate the effects of drugs exactly. Note: In Lucid Dreams you can do anything you want!! Little Padawan, I know you are thinking of meeting Morgan Freeman, but that is too far..
How do I get to the emotion core?
Patience, young padawan! You have to actually learn how to induce a lucid dream before you're ready for that kind of action!
Good. Here are some methods of induction:
Method 1: Reality Pinching:
You know how people are always telling you that you can wake up from a nightmare by pinching yourself and checking whether or not it hurts? Well the same thing works with lucid dreaming! The trick is to constantly pinch yourself during the day to see if it hurts! Then, when you sleep, you'll be so used to pinching yourself, that you'll do it in the dream, check if it hurts, realize it doesn't, and gain awareness and control over the dream!
Dangers of this method: 1. You get so exited about the realization of your dreaming that you wake up. 2. You die from too much pinching.
If you think Reality Pinching just isn't worth the blood, you can always do stuff like flipping switches, and looking in mirrors, (dreams usually mess that stuff up), but pinching makes you look more hardcore.
Method 2: The Dangerous New-Age Technique:
In this technique, you meditate on some sort of picture, rhythm or perverted fantasy you have to keep yourself conscious during sleep. You'll know when you're dreaming when you find yourself paralyzed with a slimy alien sitting on your chest, preventing you from breathing, and all your worst fears flying around you, trying to get inside your head via your ears. Don't worry. This is only temporary. Soon you will be flying through dreamland, with absolute control over your environment.
Dangers of this method: If you panic during the slimy alien paralysis, you may experience death, a heart attack, a seizure, or a Zork battle with the slimy alien. Because of this, it is very important not to panic during the slimy alien paralysis.
Alright I've had the lucid dreams. How do I get to the emotion core?
Easy! All you have to do is meditate until you have reached the inner workings of your own mind. Once this is achieved, you can tap into the emotion control center, and push all the buttons and dials that you find in there. If you don't know how to do this, simply go on a "spiritual retreat" with buddhist monks. After taking the vow of silence, do everything the monk's tell you, and if you do not know how to get inside your own head by then, ask the monks how to do it, but leave out the detail concerning emotional cores. If done the head-tapping right, then trust me, you won't need any help.
Risks of Lucid Dreaming
If you choose to lucid dream with method 1, you'll probably fail, and if you choose method 2, and don't die, you might have the dream equivalent of a bad trip, such as an infinite loop of falsely waking up to an ax murderer, or dreaming that you've died, and seeing exactly how ugly you look from the outside.
Why are lucid dreams so cool?
Ways to induce a lucid dream
- Watch your digital clock. If it changes numbers (eg. 5:40 - 5:41) then you are probably dreaming!
- Tell that girl sitting next to you at work that she's an ugly whore. If she says thank you, then you're dreaming.
- Start a fight with a gangsta. If you dont die, then you're dreaming.