This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Step 1: Are you an Employer or Employee?
Employers write checks to others, they do not get paid. If your goal is to Get Paid!, then under all circumstance, avoid becoming an Employer. You are an Employer if you do not have anyone to answer your questions. That does not count those of you who have no one willing to answer your questions--you are employees. If you are an employer, go read another article as you are in the wrong place. Unless you feel the need to take and keep the money that customers give you. In that case refer to the article "So You Stole Money From Customers And They Are Pissed. It's Time To Hand Your Ass To Them Via a Lawyer Because You Suck At Being A Crook." But if you have no customers to steal from go home and get a gun cause you suck at this job.
Employees have option to Get Paid! You are an employee if you "clock-in" or if you expect to get a salary raise each year. To learn what you need to do to maximize your salary, keep reading.
Step 2: Paperwork
Nearly every job has paperwork they make the new hires fill out. For those of you who are having difficulty in Get[ting] Paid!, this was your likely mistake. If so, quit your job immediately and go find a new one so you can fill out the paperwork properly.
Fill out the page that asks for your name and mailing address. You can skip everything else on that page. Why do they need to know your shoe size anyway? You want cash not shoes!
Next, shuffle those papers until you find the direct deposit slip. Fill it out correctly. Give them a voided check. Suggest to the Human Resources (or Evil Empire representative) they stop everything and process your information first to ensure you Get Paid! Initial the rest of the paperwork and place it toward the back. Hand it in.
If someone brings back the "sheets you didn't fill out," do not argue with them. Just hand them back the information sheet and the direct deposit sheet you did fill out and tell them they can process it while you finish the rest. Say, "*Elmer told me to just initial the rest of these pages." (*If there is no Elmer at the office, be ready to say, "Well, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about, unlike some people..."). You must say these lines verbatim, even if they don't seem to apply.
When you go to hand in the rest of the pages, suggest they test run your direct deposit with a small deposit of a week's paycheck. If they look at you with a blank stare, tell them that once you did not get paid and the water was cut off and no one wants to go through that again.
- P.S. Always go direct deposit. You will get more money than through Advance my Cash Away paycheck service. Your ATM card will get you money after bank hours. You never have to worry about long teller lines. Plus, direct deposit is automated, so it is less likely to fail than the numerous postal employees and/or employers and in house morons who just don't care if you Get Paid!
Step 3: Sitting
Next, you should find a good place to relax while your paycheck accrues. Many jobs will show you where to sit while you wait. They call that place a desk or a chair. Do as little work as possible; nothing you do will be valued, and most of what you accomplish will be destroyed promptly afterwards and have to be redone, particularly if you are a janitor or code-monkey.
Some Employer-want-to-bees like to say stupid nonsensical things like "If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean." If that happens, look down, pause, take a breath, look puzzled, look at the offender and say, "I'm on my break." When the Employer-want-to-bees leaves, you need to quickly find a new place to sit.
Step 4: Cha-Ching!
Here, you have two (2) basic options.
First, you can speed up the process. The way you do this is by checking in with the Human Resources person every day to "see if your direct deposit got set up." Having started with the request for a week's paycheck to test-run the system, you may negotiate down to $0.01 for the test-run. The higher the better. If you are successful, tell all your new co-workers about how you Got Paid!
Otherwise, you can wait. You are a model employee, but not one who is likely to Get Paid! at all. Try the other process.
Step 5: Complain
No one likes a quiet mouse. Vocalize! Tell them how it is, early and often. Usually, raises are expected to kick-in after two (2) weeks. Then, every two (2) weeks after that. Tell the employer what you have to eat for lunch on your wages.
Vacation time. While this is not exactly Get[ting] Paid! it is close. If you cannot get a raise, call in the next day from home and say your [insert family associate] is sick and you have to take care of them. Tell them you feel fine. It is crucial to say you feel fine. Otherwise, they may ask for a doctor note. If they ask for a doctor note for your family associate, just tell them you don't think you can do that with "the privacy laws and all" in your most serious voice. Now, you have a free day to do whatever you want. Should anyone see you in public, either they are on vacation too which requires both of you to ensure absolute secrecy or if not, then you are "on your way to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription."
Once the powers that be refuse to see you in person anymore, submit memos requesting additional supplies. This is not exactly Get[ting] Paid! either, but at least it makes your Sitting time more comfortable. Ask for [in order] a:
- New Chair
- New Stapler [for pranks]
- New Monitor
- New Glare-reducer (for monitor)
- Better Office (with back to a wall)
- New Coffee Maker
- New Phone
- Cell Phone (for those times you have to work from out of the office (see vacation time above))
- Et cetera. (means ... be creative)
Step 6: Gloat
Use all your free time at work, read: the time you would be Sitting, to tell your co-employees about each successful raise----your friend at a competitor got. Never tell them you Got Paid! or you might as well bite the hand that fed you.
At home, brag to your friends on the internet about your economic power.
Step 7: If All Else Fails, Mate with Goats
It's a little known fact, but true: the initiation rites for membership in the Boy Band Al Qaeda include a ceremony that can last as long as six years. Initiates are required to successfully seduce, and mate, with at least three goats - simultaneously. World-famous and fabulously wealthy international terrorist Osama bin Laden is reported to have acquired his wealth by charging admission for onlookers to witness his highly evolved approaches to goat seduction.
Here we see a young Osama bin Laden trying out just one technique being practiced on a seven-year old goat. Not contented for just any form of bestiality, OBL has been charged repeatedly with seduction of underage goats, including taking the young innocents across state lines.