HowTo:Fall on your sword

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Always hold the sword up when falling on it. Never attempt to see what a sword to the crotch feels like.

Falling on one's sword is a particularly meaningful and honorable activity, but sadly one not everyone is able to do. This article aims to teach a prospective sword-faller the tricks of the trade. Keep in mind that in all likelihood you will only have one shot at this, so read the entire thing carefully before attempting this.

If you have attempted to fall on your sword already and are reading this, you have failed. Next time, follow directions and read the entire article before proceeding.

Setup

First, you need a reason to be falling on your sword. If you don't have a reason yet, now is the time to pick one. The more worthy your act is of a sword-falling, the slower the motion your fall will appear to observers in, so be sure to do something really awful if you want splashes of blood and wooshy sound effects. The most common reason for falling on a sword is a betrayal of someone in a profound and irreparable fashion. Act to create a reason now. If you have done this correctly, someone will ask you to fall on your sword.

Next, have a deep and thought provoking conversation with this person. Reject the idea of falling on your sword outright, but slowly warm to it. Be sure to discuss the meaning of life and ultimately deliver a monologue about honor and/or courage. Or something. If you do not have a sword yet, someone will give one to you now.

Now you are ready to continue to the next step.

Execution

You are finally ready to fall on your sword. This is the hardest step, so here are some common mistakes and how to avoid them.

Common mistakes

• Do NOT attempt to place the sword on the ground and then fall on it. The sword will fall over and you will end up looking like an idiot. Hold the sword the entire time you are falling on it.
• Do NOT suddenly decide that you'd rather not fall on your sword and turn it on someone else. The sword will almost certainly be rigged so that it kills you anyway, and you will end up looking like an idiot.
• DO make sure not to impale yourself in any part of the body other than the chest. Doing so will lessen the drama and make you look like an idiot. Likewise, do NOT attempt to find out what having a sword in the genitals feels like.

Keeping the above in mind, proceed to grasp the sword with both hands and extend them in front of you so that the sword is pointing back towards your heart. Keeping the sword in this position, lean forward by your toes until you begin to fall. Continue falling until the sword pierces your chest and completely impales you.

If you successfully impaled yourself but are still reading this, you may now deliver another monologue. Be sure to dramatically conclude it... with your... last... breaths.