HowTo:Earn Money

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

“In Soviet Russia, money earns YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on money

As you know, this article is about earning money. Yeah. Well? Stop reading this and get on with it!!

First Method[edit]

Do you see that sidewalk out yonder? The gray floor? Walk on top of it. Good. Now I want you to pick up a solid 100% authentic oaken club with titanium foil and lead insides. Where do you find this solid 100% authentic oaken club with titanium foil and lead insides? Go rob a bat store, dumbo, and we'll meet you back here.

Now, that you have the club, do you see that old lady out there? The one who looks like she could do with a nice beating from her husband? Give her exactly what she needs, take her purse and RUN! Don't stop until you see your apartment,dumpster,tin shack, forest, or wherever the hell you live in. If the police bust you (damn, they're so annoying) beat the shit out of them with the club call Chuck Norris (or Mr. T). He will exact his pitying revenge on the cops (serves them right!), and then will pity you, making you miserable as hell. But hey, it's better than serving 10 years in jail, right?

Second Method[edit]

Ok, so you don't want to get pitied or get busted by the cops. That's OK. There's many other different methods. Do you see the large house with the sign "Airport" on it? What? It's not a house? Fuck you you're going to hell bitch Fine. It's an airport. (I'd love to beat the crap out of you...) Ok, now I want you to raise your hand and ball it into a fist. Good. Now I want you to force that fist at the security guard. Don't hesitate for the killing blow, or he will shoot you down (and that's much worse).

Get on the plane. Now I want you to take your Colt Magnum 0.1mm and raise it in the air and demand money. What? You don't have a Colt Magnum??? OMGZOR N00B!!!!! Now you gotta walk down the plane, punch your way through millions of police officers, kill the dude who owns a Colt Magnum 0.1mm and then come right back and then hijack the plane. You definitely failed on this one, you idiot.

Third Method[edit]

Ok here is another guide for those of incredibly low intelligence extreme ingenuity. It involves a gun. Now BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, I WANT YOU TO GET A GUN. Seriously, I am going to freaking tear your head off and feed it to a grue if you do not get one. Oh? You have one already? Fuck you bitch you made me pee my pants That's a relief.

Now, you need to walk to the house that is white. Once you are in the house that is white, you need to walk up and up until you get to a room guarded by guards. Smack them down and enter the room. You see that guy behind the wooden desk? That black guy that you voted for (damn you if you didn't)? I want you to raise the gun so that it is level with your eye, and face that bitch dude. Say it slowly and clearly (as all holdups require the victim to know what you want at least) that you want cash, or you are going to shoot him in the head. What? You didn't get bullets?!? Well you're screwed if he says no, so you better hope that 50/50 chance turns up golden.

Now, most people will say that paying the ultimate price is worse than paying about $1 million, and to a person like him... Well, let's just say he's strong in the mind, but weak in the stomach. So by an extreme chance of fate, you manage to walk out with the loot. Now imagine the blissful days you will have with that cash! Living at the Bahamas... Having private servents... hiring naked prostitutes... That you didn't even realize he called the CIA in and shot your ass to death. Should have run away while you were at it N00B.

*** Y hv dd ***

Wld y lk t strt vr, rstr svd pstn, r nd ths sssn f Zrk? (Typ RSTRT, RSTR, r QT)