HowTo:Deal with Being on Fire

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“Just ask my Great Balls how they like being on fire.”

~ Jerry Lee Lewis on his book "Third Degree Burns, Ointment, and You"

Being on fire is not a pleasant experience for most people. It's warm, uncomfortable and generally not nice. After a while you may die, but fret not dear fellow! Here is your guide to being on fire.

Am I on fire?[edit]

Being on fire can easily be mistaken for many things like being a volcano or being incredibly warm. So look for these symptoms.

  • Are your hands on fire/badly damaged/gone?
  • Are you in pain?
  • Are you worringly warm?
  • Is everyone looking at you in horror (as if you are the elephant man)?
  • Are you screaming?
  • Are you being sprayed with carbon dioxide and/or water?
  • Are you running around in circles?
  • Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?

If you match all, if not most of these criteria, you are indeed on fire.

Oh fuck, OH FUCK, OH FUCK, WHY AM I ON FIRE??!!![edit]

David Collingfield, Head of the Burning people society

This is indeed a very good question. Have you for example:

  • Been playing with fire?
  • Been dancing in corduroy?
  • Been attempting to find the meaning of life by mixing petrol and fire (two of the greatest things known to man)?
  • Been attempting to gain superpowers?
  • Been juggling candles?
  • Swimming in petrol at a fire convention.
  • Been on fire in the past?
  • Did you give a blonde a match and say be safe?
  • Did you make three shots in a row without letting the other baskteball team score?

Well, it is well known that most clothing is made of cotton, which is not fire resistant. Your clothes must have caught fire. But threat not, there is a future for you.


There are many mistruths about fire, like the fact that jumping in water or rolling on the floor can 'cure' being on fire. This is not the case. Being on fire is a condition, not a illness.

Now is not the time to concern yourself with otherwise significant issues such as the fire being yellow, which is just not your colour. Many people do not suit the colour yellow, but if you burn well the fire will soon become white hot, thus nicely showing off your new tan!

You may have suspected yourself of being on fire before realizing it fully, the fact everybody looks at you with a look of horror reserved only for the worst things on the face of this good earth. But there are support groups for people like you.

Some organizations to contact include your local burning people anonymous group, where people on fire come together to talk about being on fire.

Will I live a full life?[edit]

Of course! I have been on fire for a good 22 years now and am as fit as a fiddle. Famous people who are on fire include:

  • George Orwell
  • David Tennant
  • Patrick Stewart
  • Sarah Jessica Parker
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Susan B. Anthony
  • Bill Cosby
  • Hillary Clinton
  • Morgan Freeman
  • Leonardo Da Vinci
  • Lance Armstrong
  • Jessica Alba