Go To The Mall
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Ah, the mall! What a great place to cure anybodies boredom! Even when you have no money to buy anything, there is still an endless amount of fun things you can do to cure your boredom.
such as...
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* Head to a supermarket or chemist and find all the condoms. Now randomly put them in people's shopping-carts when they are not looking.
Then follow them to the check out registers. Doing this to little old ladies is extreme fun.
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* Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 5 minute intervals and turn them up as loud as they will go. If the alarm clocks have a CD input, then grab some CD's from that department of the store, and load them into the alarms. Good choices would be to choose a selection of musical artists such as John Valby or Kevin Bloody Wilson.
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* Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official tone, "Code 3 in house wares"..... and watch what happens!
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* Go to the Service Desk and put a bag of M&M's on lay by/lay away.
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* Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
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* Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Manchester department.
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* You know when you are just browsing around and a clerk walks up to you and asks if they can help you with anything? Well, next time you're in that situation, begin to cry and scream, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
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* Look right into the security camera; and stand there picking your nose (eat it if you want) and see how long it takes before you're told to stop. (plus, you may end up on TV on the next episode of "Caught On Tape".)
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* Take fishing rods, tie on the sinkers and cast them over the top of isles as far as you can and see what you goodies you can reel in!
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* Take the bar-code off of an item and then take it to the check out counter. When they can't scan it, they usually use the P.A system to get a price check... at the moment they push the button to say their message, speak in a loud and clear voice for it to be heard, "who the fuck buys this shit anyway?"
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* Download a porno movie (don't pretend you don't know how).. and then burn the movie to a CD/DVD (make copies). Also Keep in mind that .mpeg files will show up on any DVD player (unless its a shit one). Now head to the to one of those Hi-Fi places that are showing a wall of TV's broadcasting the same video...find the player they are all hooked up to, and slip in your XXX rated CD or DVD and watch the fun begin in more ways then one.
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* Dart around the store suspiciously & loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
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* In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
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* Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
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* When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again, they're back...MAKE THEM STOP!!!!"
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* Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while; then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here", or alternatively if there is someone in the next stall to you, reach under the door and ask them for some of their paper.
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* Find a jukebox & select the same song fifty times. Select a really annoying song that goes forever.
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* Make a business card that says, "Smile If You Want To Have Sex With Me" and hand them out to other shoppers.
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* By now you may be feeling thirsty, but you don't have any money? Well, it's quite simple to get a free drink. Go into a bar that has waiters, and that you know that the barman is the owner. Walk up to the barman with a friend and ask him of he can settle a debate with you and your friend. Ask him if there are 2 bottles in a long neck? He'll say yep. Then go and take a seat and wait for the barmaid to come over. When she does, tell her that you will have two bottles on the house. And hope that she says she doesn't think her boss would like that idea. Then look over at the barman and say, "two bottles wasn't it?" and he should nod!!! Free Drink!!! tho drink it quick and get the fuck out of there fast!
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* Start talking to someone and say that you can do an unbelievable trick. Your trick is that you can touch their breasts/penis without touching any part of their clothing. Assure them that there is no tricks & they do stay fully clothed. Ask them if they think it is possible? Usually they will say no. So you wager a bet with them. Say to them, that you will bet them one dollar that you can do it. When they accept the bet, grab their breasts or crotch or whatever and have a good feel of it. Then give them the dollar and walk away casually.
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* Motion with your finger for a girl/guy to come over. When they come over say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would come".
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* By now it's about time to leave the mall, so while you are leaving, go through the car park and see if you can spot a parking inspector. If you can find one giving a ticket to a car, walk up to him and ask him to give you a break, you were only one minute late! He will probably ignore you, so tell him he looks like a fucking idiot in that uniform, and he will write another ticket and place it with the other ticket! then tell him he looks like a dick-less mother fucker, and he will write another ticket! keep doing that for 20 minutes! until your out of insults, then shut up until the ticket giver leaves. Then you leave too and return to your own car!
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But I don't Want To Go To The Mall
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Okay, that's no problem. We also have some boredom curing tips for around the home.
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* Does someone you live with drink Red Wine by any chance? Slip some red food-die (coloring) into their wine. When it goes through their system there going to get very nervous or freak out about thinking that they are pissing blood.
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* Is someone you live with always using the phone? And is it a land-line phone? Tape down the receiver to the dock. Next time it rings they will pick it up & not know why it's still ringing. You could also be a real sadistic son of a bitch and super glue the whole phone down and hope they pick it up so fast they smack the phone against their head.
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* Hows your wallpaper looking? Is it time to replace it anyway? Well, If you ever are in the situation where you are putting up wall paper. Before you put it up, get some red paint, or pigs blood, and write on the wall, "I will kill here again one day" or something sinister. Then cover it up with your wall paper. You may never be able to see the end result, but you can laugh thinking about the people who move in sometime in the future, and decide to strip the wallpaper down to put their own up.
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* If you can be bothered wondering around outside, go collect dog crap in baby food jars. Then sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
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* If you live with somebody else; Move their personal effects around. Start subtlety. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
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* Learn to levitate. While someone is there and is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
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* Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed... do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out... use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
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* Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs around the neighborhood and post blogs about it on Facebook about who you suspect is the lying son of a bitch who stole your cat.
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* Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
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Then complain to the floor that you think the ceiling is turning against you.
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* Take all of your furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend. If the furniture is not even yours, guard it twice as hard.
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* Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. Make sure someone you live with see's this, then when they are not looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until the person who saw you pee in it turns around. Drink it.
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