HowTo:Be normal

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

This is your target. This will be you. IF YOU BELIEVE.

Now, before we start, I know you're going to say "Ha ha ha, Uncyc =/= Normal". I know this place isn't exactly a paragon of human decency, social skills or any form of niceness at all, but there's always lying.

Step 1 : When you're ready, press the reset button

WARNING! : DO NOT press reset whilst saving onto your memory card! This may corrupt your data, and you'll end up the son of a prostitute!

Step 2: GRAMMREOR N ETTIQCUT IRL

Right, before we begin to rig your sad, pathetic, little life, we must talk about how you shall speak, providing you speak dig's tongue. On the Internet, you may notice people forget to spell/speak/construct sentences (delete where nescessary) when in heated flame wars, or even just talking about sweet fuck all. Now, you might be aware that when you argue with someone on the internet, you don't know that person, or what they look like. I've always thought flaming homosexuals to be like phone secks, at the end, there's a lot of cumming and everyone feels sticky pootis and wonders what was the point of all that huffing and puffin\e house downing.

Girl the way you movin' got me in a trance Dj turn me up ladies dis yo jam "com on" Imma sip mascato and you go loose them pants And Imma throw dis money while you do it no hands Girl drop it to the floor I love the way yo booty goooo All I wanna do is sit back and watch you move and I'll proceed to throw this cash {Edit by: Anthony}

FUCK BITCHES GET PICKLES

Step 3: Anger (And what it does to your metabolism)

Oh yeah, Pink Fucking Floyd had it so hard in pissing Cambridge, didn't they? Twats.

Step 3 is like the twin of Step 2, in that usually when anger comes into any issue, grammar and logic get cast aside. That's fucking obvious. You work your whole life, grinding your wrists to dust with constant typing and printing and folding and counting and wanking and folding and wanking and typing....ad nauseum. You drive a fucking Skoda. You stand up your legs right beside each other like a pervert at a kids' swimming pool. You are a walking advertisement for abortion. I could go on.

AND I WILL

Your smile looks like a nun's cunt. Your head is so round I'm confident that it's volume can be solved by 4 over 3 by π by the radius cubed. You smell like walking shit. No, you have to learn self-control to make it in the real world.

Step 4: Positive Thinking! What?

If you believe in yourself, you'll become yourself. You should only think good thoughts. This will make you happy. I know happy. I'll teach you to be happy. I'll teach you to think for yourself. If you're going to become a self-sufficient adult, you must listen to every word I say.

I can help you think happy thoughts. lol wut What you think might make you happy, you might find to be completely wrong and stupid.

Some people think they know what happy is. They don't know. They only know THEIR LIES. They want to control other, simple minded folk who couldn't find two brain cells, nevermind rub them together. I know happy.

Step 5: Your life is not "The Office"

<insert name here>, this is not your life!

You don't get the girl™. You're not dry and witty. You're not going to get a promotion, no matter what amount of shit is on your tongue. Your boss doesn't try to be funny, because he's the boss and HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FUNNY. You actually have to work for a living. Cameras don't come to your office because no one wants to see your bald, monkey-like head on BBC Four at 10:30 on a Thursday. If you attempt to kiss someone under the mistletoe, you get a barring order and a pay cut. Your life is not "The Office".

Step 6: Your life is "The Office"

<insert name here>, this IS your life!

Your boss is an idiot, but you're not exactly Mensa quality either. Your office is full of annoying, stereotypical minorities who, while they could be (and probably are) nice people, act like the stinking stock characters they are. You get the ugly girl after "your quick hands" fondle the wrong arse. Your head is out of proportion to the rest of your body. Your life IS "The Office".

Step 7: Result!

Of course, this is the alternative. Enjoy coming to that crossroads.

You die of stomach ulcers brought on by years of pent-up anger. What were you thinking? (this whole how to was really not funny or in the spirit of the tone this was a very bad attempt at being outlandish and funny - daniel)

CP thoughts.