HowTo:Be a purebred American
Greetings, infadeles. My name is John Doe, the creater of this article; and I'm going to teach you how to become a purebred American by being bold and fat, obeying the government... and yes; being succumbed to the superior forces of our nation.
Oh America, a somewhat beautiful land filled with lovable husky citizens protected by the Whitehouse Empire filled with unworthy Congressmen; in which is roofed by none-other than Barack Obama; our American God. You must always remember to look up to our rich country founded by the racist white men; which is now currently being run by a black man. And that you should never deem to question them under any circumstances. Now here are the steps that can transform you from one of those sissy French-n00bies, to being an American fanatic.
Appearance[edit]
If you want to become an American, the first step you have to follow is appearance. As you see, this beautiful country, is the country of the witless and morbidly obese. So if you'd want to be part of the corpulent population, you'd have to eat about 25 Big Macs a day. Alternatively, eat 4 to 6 meals per day, including 4 full-sized cupcakes and a box of cookies or pint of ice cream for dessert, a Super Big Gulp[1] or the largest size Icee with some nachos as a snack, and exercise only enough to walk out to the mailbox every day. Even if it is just two blocks away, you can drive most anyplace, and never walk when you can drive. Keep it up, and you'll become as overweight as 165 Billion Pounds.
The next thing for appearance is that you must wear clothing that pays tribute to the American flag; such as on your shirt, underwear, etc. But you are going to wear in Quadrupedal Extra-Large because of your weight. And you must loath anyone (such as Muslims, Canadians, Mexicans) that doesn't wear American flag clothing lines. And to really go out of your way by giving America the salute, be sure to moon at people which exposes the middle finger saying, "Join us or Fuck Off and Die!" symbol.
Entertainment[edit]
Another step into becoming an American is to watch/listen to the hot, raving entertainment(s) and corporate news that everyone watches; such as Fox News, MTV, Communist Weekly, all of the good ol' gossip and propaganda that will keep you glued to television, and blindsighted from the reality part of life. It will keep you up to date with phony terrorist plans, trying to bomb America; and being entertained by the same time watching the Jersey Shore. Remember, ALWAYS believe what Fox News are saying, because they are watching you; and they care about your peace of mind, in a world of bondage and extirpation.
As for music, one of the other ways to be legitimized is to listen to the great popular artists such as Lil' Wayne, Ke$ha, Kanye West, Eminem; all of those hip-pa-dee to the pop-pa-dee music that everyone does. If anyone is listening to those pseudo-intelligent, pompous music, just kick them in the nuts! Just like Obama kicks those Anonymous terrorists in the nuts.
Oh, and you MUST love NFL; the best goddamn waste of time in America! Not like those foreign, soccer sissies that call soccer "football". Anyways when you go to the NFL (or college) football dome, always show spirit by being shirtless with a Texas Cowboys tattoo on your big belly. Why? Because the Texas Cowboys team is best there is on Football!!! And when you're at the Detroit Lions game, rant at every Lions fan of how much they suck cocks from hell. Why? Because they suck, and anyone who likes that team are just a bunch of lonely virgins that masturbate in their mom's basement of mirrors for god's sake.
Being an American Fanatic[edit]
We all know that purebred Americans need to show American respect at all times. Which is why you must decorate your house on the inside-out. For inside, you must shrine every corner of your room with Barack Obama shrines. It's called showing some decency for the president that nurtures us humble folk; or you can create George W. Bush shrines. You know, the Greatest President Who Ever Lived On this Country?
But to really give your heart and soul to Obama, prey to him before you go to bed reading to the Communist American Bibles; such as the Book of Glasnost, and the Book of Perestroika. Use the two books to also salute to the U.S Flag.
But there are more ways than just decorating overly-devoted pictures of America; you have to drive like one! By driving Toyota Priuses utilizing natural gas-farts bursting from your ass, because that's way better than driving polluting Hummers; and it's even friendlier to the ozone environment. Embellish the Prius with a bumper sticker saying, "HEIL, GLEN BECK! PRIEST OF ALL THINGS FAKE AND AGRITPROP!"; and for the ladies, you can also get some of those vanity plates that depicts, "GR8 ASS!" or, "PRNSTR". That ought to both get you laid, and respected by the American Elite.
Health[edit]
Health is an important tool to make sure that you are great and healthy. And to become as healthy as you can be, you must take as many overpriced prescription drugs as possible; and to get vaccinated everyday, so you can untouchable from those pesky H1N1 diseases carried by the illegal Mexicans. Even if you have a minor virus, be sure to ask for antibiotics. To also grow some muscle fibers, pop in some of those steroids; or even Muscle Milk, because that's what gets you strong! I mean after all, Pauly D from the Jersey Shore, did in fact get his fist pumpin' by taking those large quantities of steroids.
Sign effects of taking prescription drugs are serious allergic reactions, Anemia, Bone loss, Amnesia, and hostile depression. Serious problems can unveil from vaccinations as well; such as signs of Gillian-Barre syndrome, difficulty breathing, Autism, and/or especially death. Taking to many steroids or muscle milk leads to shrunken testicles, and your body eventually exploding; leaving you as just a talking head. So please take them at your own risk, as they definitely could probably contain some serious poisons added by the government to kill as many of you hopeless Americans as possible.
Security[edit]
The last but most important thing you need to remember is security. Now why would you want some enlarged security you may ask? Because terrorists are everywhere! They could be your boss, wife, kids, your neighbor who touches your kids; annoying relatives, annoying relatives from your secret family you've never told your other family about, etc. Heck, they could be the monsters hiding under your bed!! Or closet... if they are gay and want to fuck you.
Which is why the American Homeland Security System is here; to make sure you are safe, by locking your doors with super heavy-duty locks, window-locks, car locks; the locks on your hair, even on your underwear. Just in case if a terrorist wants to drop a bomb in your pants. The AHSS is always there to protect you, even when you least expect them to stalk and rob you and your families! Even when you are traveling, TSA wants to see your shoes, especially if they are an expensive designer brand, and will take that bottle of suntan lotion away from you if it is in your carry-on. But they could care less about the scum in front of you who just stole your electronics that you had to put through the X-ray machine. The American Social Security makes sure that you are guaranteed almost enough monthly income to retire on, as an automatic investment system. However, it never invests the money you are required to pay in, in stocks or bonds, so it is always threatening to go bankrupt in the next 10 years and pay nobody anything more unless it gets more money from Congress, which gets its money from taxes and Chinese lobbyists.
Conclusion[edit]
Congratulations! You are now an official purebred American,as there's no turning back now, because you are now controlled by the evil elite corporation. Which means that you'll be a slave to the upcoming New World Order, now that you were dumb enough to believe what they say. Dumbass!
See Also[edit]
|
HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
- ↑ Unless you live in New York or something. Then you'll have to settle for hot dogs and pizza.