HowTo:Avoid buying things
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
So what do you do when you walk into a store? You gaze upon all the wonderful food, tools, and biochemical weapons. Well you know what I say to that? Big-whoop. All of the items you see are trying to get you. Those carrots watch you in your sleep. That screwdriver has cameras set up in your shower. "Why?" you might ask. Well, its sole purpose is to steal your "Benjamens" and mail them to this Fatass who wrongfully put himself as "CEO," making his day wonderful as he cackles evilly and pets his cat. Well here's some ways to avoid buying items and becoming a total money-saving genius by "not buying stuff."
Step 1 - Finding food off the land
First thing you need to do is make a homemade shotgun. Here's how:
- Grab a knife and a giant bamboo stick. (And if you don't have a bamboo stick... you're screwed.)
- Shove a knife into the tube of the stick and apply a really smooth material. Like jazz music.
- Then you have to find the nearest toilet and put a hard turd in it. It must have the consistency of a brick.
- Looks like you're ready! Go to your neighbor's house when they are sleeping. Then go to the fridge and put the food into your sack.
- When the neighbor wakes up (which he inevitably will because neighbors hate getting their food stolen and will know that someone is taking their food), grab the bag and knock him out! Run for the window and hope that selfish sunovabitch doesn't call 911!
Good! You ran like a maniac, stole property, and committed assault. You're on your merry way to becoming a complete land dweller. This is how every land dweller has gotten their start, I guarantee it.
"But wait... what's the shotgun for?" Who doesn't need a shotgun?
Step 2 - Getting off the grid
This step might be a woozy. I assure you that it's easy. Follow these steps....... NOW! Or else.
- Take the phone and dial your provider. When the first person picks up scream profanities into their ears and tell them the other provider is better. This may sound retarded but it is not a useless step. "But wait," you might say. "What if you're just trying to make me look like an idiot?" Trust me, you have to do this. What you just did is made the operator feel like complete shit and lose a customer. You're on fire! You probably just made yourself look like an ass, and lost your way on the internet!
Boy! you must be saying to yourself. How the fuck am I going to get internet now. I don't have a life anymore. NO WORRIES ASSHOLE! Still, there is hope!
Follow these steps.
- Take these tools. A red hat, a mustache (preferably Mario style), Italian accent, fake mushrooms, and a power extension cord.
- Go to your neighbor's house once again. (Really, how did you expect to avoid buying things? YOU STEAL THINGS!!)
- Now, when the neighbor opens the door, say to him, "It's-a me, the mushroom-a salesman." It is necessary that your neighbor be an idiot who likes mushrooms. If he doesn't like mushrooms he'll probably tell you to fuck off with that shit.
- When he gets his credit card (Dumb bastard!), sneak into his house and go to his computer room.
NOTE: If your neighbor has Vista this is where the 9MM (What do you mean you don't have it? It wasn't in the list of needed tools? Goddamnit then go get one!) is going to come in. (A silencer is recommended or else your neighbor will hear the shots and wonder who the fuck is shooting his computer.) Use it to fend off the malicious viruses that vista spurs out its disk drive. Then shoot the damn thing to death. Take no prisoners!
- Then, since you killed his computer, take the extension cord and find the TV. Connect it to the TV and go back home.
- Now you need to find your tablet.
- Plug the other part of your power cord into the tablet.
- Now have fun for free TV for about 3 minutes.... (You should only do this if your neighbor and you have the same taste in television or else you're going to be watching some TV shows you don't even like for those three minutes after you went to all that hard work to do this.)
Step 3 - The Verdict
Really these are the basic steps you need to get free things and not spend a damn dime on shit! Great, isn't it? Well not for long, sucker! The cops are probably after you (and it's alright cause you're going to be doing time...without paying a penny for food...because they provide it for you) and you're fucked so good luck on that! Just think, you'll be getting free food, free shelter, free health care, a free library without overdue book fines, and, if you're lucky, free gym equipment to use, and/or a free basketball court. All at someone else's expense! In fact, you'll be getting some free transportation real soon....I think I hear the sirens now.