Holy Market

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The Holy Market was founded on the idea that people should pay for their sins. Most people couldn't get into the afterlife because they had too many sins, and so the church decided to start charging for sins and selling vouchers to get sins forgiven. Since most people don't donate to the collection plate, this was a good way for the church to earn money. Therefore, the major religions agreed on a price list.


While religion is meant to inform us of how we are to live our spiritual life and become closer to the universe, the ultimate divine reality ... observing the practices of ascetic worshipers of any religion will demonstrate that not even the most devout worshipper can do without daily business transactions. The holy market is strictly an internal one (non believers or even non celebate monks in some cases cannot participate) making it difficult to research and find accurate information on how the market is carried out, what transactions occur and what the prices are.

Our deep undercover investigation has found out the following. In the American evangelistic church, buying SLAVES black woman (So Loud And Vivacous Episcopalean Singer) to sing in a holy gospel choir is not so easy to procure. They are often shipped from Africa (as they are cheaper there and there are outsourced indian Choir Singer trafficers to find them and prepare them for the pleasant voyage. Surprisingly they are very cheap. Apart from paying for a 4th class ticket (they are expected to earn their sleeping mat and board) they are sold for the surprisingly low bargain of 22 dollars ahead if they arrive in good condition. The following is a price list for other Protestant Items

Evangelistic Market[edit]

All prices are in American Dollars, as SLAVES and related items are yet to be regulated in the US and are banned in most other places except Saudi Arabia and Qatar.

Segregation Signs€2.35
Jesus´s Body (comes in packs of 50 thin slices€12.35
Jesus´s Blood (comes in 2 quart jugs€2.35
The Passion (comes in packs of 5 DVD´s personally signed by Mel Gibson€0.35
Creationism and why anti-creationists are damned, signed by Sarah Palin€12.35

Catholic Market[edit]

It would be a tiring cliche to say that the catholic church only traffics in little boys as opposed to SLAVES. While there is infact a huge market for them at very reasonable prices to keep priests at their best and perkiest, there is an unknown market in blame. Three rooms in St. Peters square is dedicated to the procurement, manufacture, distribution and marketing of blame. Five further rooms are dedicated to the sale of shame. While prices are set based on supply and demand (for instance around Easter time, Jew blame is quite popular and shame is its most known when kids come back pregnant after spring break) blame and shame is only processed twice a year. The most scrupulous bishops take advantage of this to make as much money out of these vouchers and use it to buy more boys.

Shame TypePrice
Unwanted Pregnancy€2.66
Anal Sex with woman €500.00
Anal Sex with man using strap on €600.00
Anal Sex with SLAVE €5.00
Anal Sex with wife €0.01
Anal Sex with schlonged up horse €50.00
Anal Sex with cucumber €2.50
Happiness €900.00
Religous Doubt€5.45 per toe
Voting for Obama€4.32
Locker Room Experimenting€412.50
[[Last one to cum on the cookie participation€1.00
Eating the cookie€14.99 from HMV
Looking at the moon while having period€9.99
Riding a bicycle without seat with woman €500.00
Masturbation with both hands€1.25
Masturbation with hollowed out cucumber€5.25
Masturbation with injuries to third parties€8.25
Playing poker with Chinese loan sharks€This Amount

For this price members of the religious community can blame other people for whatever they want one time.

The dog for eating something$0.05
Blaming the dog for pooping on the carpet$2.50
Blaming the dog for cum stains on bathroom towel$1.00
Blaming Jews$0.0000005
Blaming Banks and or Corporations$2.05
Blaming politicians you voted for$2.00
Blaming your parents$3.00
Blaming violent television for the murder of your wife$10.00


Atheists and Jews object to all forms of holy markets claiming that they should not be subject to such monopolies, paying to eat Jesus or being victims of vouchers of shame or blame. Atheists instead believe they should be paid to write shrill books lambasting religion in every conceivable way and demonstrate their superiority.

Since wikileaks have leaked such information Visa nor Mastercard now accepts any transactions linked to any of the above (except buying parts of Jesus´ body) and Paypal is considering rewording the items about SLAVES to seem more consumer friendly.