Heino
Heino (born 13th December 1785 in Düsseldorf, Germany as Heinz Georg Kramm) is a Schlager singer who has proven scientifically to be the second longest living human being in all of recorded history (second only to Nina Hagen, his mother). Due to how far back he dates, he is often confused with "Spino", (although, it is plausible that he shares a genetic link with Spinosaurus.)
Early Life[edit]
Heino was created by Nina Hagen, a much older, and more talented German singer who composed Heino using her own powerful, raspy voice, and ten liters of beer at an Oktoberfest so old that it predates the other earliest recorded events. The Oktoberfest (known to historians as the Heinofest) started in 1772, and ended in 1785, with Heino's creation, and birth. The Heinofest was attended by 30,000 intoxicated Germans, all singing "Deutschlandlied". The massive five-hour celebration ceremony that occurred after Heino came in to this horrible world was wracked with flying Bratwursts, the finest beers in all of Germany (even to this day), and non-stop singing; this is where Heino, aged only five hours old, learned to embrace his voice and use it to shape the world. Jealous of Nina, he started a full-fledged music career as a Schlager singer almost immediately after birth to spite her, and to attempt to surpass her skill.
When Heino was seven years old, he joined a trio named "OK Singers", his peers, Dino Engelhardt and Dieter Wolf were massively outlived by Heino, Dino dying later on in 1815, and Dieter in 1802; nevertheless, this first taste of musical power further strengthened Heino's will to strive for success. Some time in the early 1990s, Heino formed a small truce with his mother, Nina, and appeared on television with her, singing in a duet. This truce, however, was not meant to be, as only moments after going backstage, Heino shot Nina in the face at point-blank range with a 9mm pistol. Hagen survived, and managed to escape from Heino; she later called the authorities, and Heino was apprehended. Heino spent the next 20 years in prison.
2013-Present[edit]
After Heino's release from prison in 2013, he attempted to jump back in to his former musical career by releasing "Mit Freundlichen Grüssen", and by appearing on-stage with Rammstein during their live Wacken performance of "Sonne", by which point, the entire world had forgotten about him. Having fallen out of relevance, Heino has fallen back to drug-peddling (as well as drug usage), which, given his tremendous age, has actually improved his appearance, like some kind of anti-aging heroin injection. Heino has described his drug habits by saying that his favorite illicit substance is a blend of White Rhino Cannabis and Cocaine, coated in liquid MDMA and deep fried. He takes this drug via injection and inhalation.