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Conservation status: Attempted Extermination
Common White Gold Grill(Grilliuz golduz)
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Fungi
Phylum: Jewelia
  • Gold (Grilliuz golduz)
  • Silver (Grilliuz argentuz)

“Got thirty down from da' bottom, thirty more from the top...”

~ Shirley Temple on Grillz

Grillz (Grilliuz paulwalliuz) are a species of parasitic fungus that inhabit the human mouth, known for their shiny silvery-gold color and tendency to attach to and completely envelop the oral cavity. The fungus, which is in fact a type of slime mold, has spawned a recent epidemic that is prevalent among speakers of the urban hip-hop language, rap.

Grillz is also known for being one of the only words in the English language, along with jamz and homiez to add a Z when pluralized.


Grillz belong to the Fungi kingdom, to the phylum Jewelia, which includes other one-celled and multi-cellular lifeforms, such as rings, chains, and the rare earring. While all members of the Jewelia family are dependent on a host for survival, the grill is the only type that forms a parasitic relationship with its host, as opposed to being mutually symbiotic. Most jewelogists also agree that grillz evolved from the gold cap.


An advanced case of grill infection.

Grillz start their life as a cluster of spores floating aimlessly in the air and settling on any hard surfaces they can find. But when a group finds a fresh mouth, they proceed to settle on the coating of vanilla frosting found on teeth. In the first week, the host may not experience any symptoms other than a very faint buzzing sound as the spores dig their way thought the teeth. However, in the first month, the spores start reproducing and joining together to form a hard, shiny structure which, by defintion, is the actual grill. By the second month, treatment is still available. But by the third month, the grill we have been fully developed, and the host dies a slow, painful death by ego inflation.


Worry not, for there are several ways to detect the presence of a grill infection in another person, though it is the infection itself that prevents the victim from realizing this themselves.

  • a need to buy overly-priced jewelry, automobiles, or articles of clothing
  • as mentioned earlier, an inflated ego
  • the victim frequently "busts a rhyme"
  • the inability to shut one's mouth, literally
  • the inability to shut one's mouth
  • their teeth are "mind-blowing, givin' everybody chills"
  • people call the victim George Foreman cuz he's selling everybody grillz

The treatment for such an infection is an antibiotic, removal of infected teeth, or, in extreme cases, complete amputation of the head.

What is being done[edit]

In recent years, the rate of infection for grillz has nearly quadrupled as a result of the global shortage of common sense. So, as part of a 212-step program entitled Pummel the Grillz, three countries already facing a grillz epidemic, and nine other countries fearing one have joined forces to wage a war on grillz which involves the complete isolation and termination of grillz, and anyone harboring the grillz fungus. As Head of the project, the President had only this to say:

"Some say this is a futile and--and--worthless attempt to eliminate this--this menace called the grillz, but I say--and I know my country will back me up on this one--that if we did it with Iraq and we did this with them dinosaurs, we can do it with these grillz."