Gift Card

Pick any colour but they all say - cheapsake.

A Gift Card is a rectangular piece of plastic or paper which was invented not long after the invention of writing. Jesus is believed to have been the first recipient of a Gold Gift Card from the Penn and TellerThree Wisemen. The future saviour later redeemed this for 12 healthy Apostles and a Mary Magdalene when her turned 30.

Gift cards are typically given to someone not liked enough for a cash prize or a useful gift. They are popular at events such at birthdays, weddings and office Christmas parties. Not suitable for funerals, wakes or memorial services.

Definition

A Gift Card usually comes in a rectangle shape and often now have another credit card attached where your 'money' is stored. Sometimes a useless, asinine message with suitable spaces blanked out for you to scrawl your name and the unlucky recipient for your chronic lack of imagination when it came to a gift. But shops love them. These are some of the views:-

a) A brilliant invention of retailers whereby they can lock in advance sales without providing any goods or services, knowing that the gift card will force the recipient into their store who will most likely spend an additional amount above & beyond the card value, although the retailer ultimately hopes that the gift card will be lost or destroyed before said goods or services are redeemed.

b) A device whereby the giver can impose their will upon the receiver, but not necessarily provide the receiver with want they want.

c) A financial instrument providing income for 3rd parties, who purchase unneeded gift cards for 90 cents on the dollar and resell them for 95 cents on the dollar.

d) A foolish thing to send in the mail to a friend.

Advantages / Disadvantages

You are limited of course from the type of establishment you have got the Gift Card from. Like foreign currencies, you often found it is impossible to exchange a one year's supply of Kentucky Fried Chickens for that great outfit you saw at Next. Or the Gift Card is so useless that only one shop within 100 miles will bother to look it - let alone scan and see how much you have got on it.

Listed below are some of reasons to engage in this spiteful or petty form of social conflict.

Advantages:

• Fulfills a monetary obligation
• Frustrates the recipient
• Wastes the recipients time
• Good chance of never being redeemed

Disadvantages:

• If you haven't picked carefully enough, there is always a chance the person can redeem it for something useful.

Awesome Scale

Gift cards are rated on a scale based on the where the first letter in their name falls in the alphabet. For instance: Bed Bath and Beyond is like a 2 on the awesome scale because it starts with B, which is the second letter out of 27 in the English (great masters of the world) alphabet. A gift card to some place like Swaggat Fine Indian Cuisine would be like a 19, because an S is the 19th letter in the English (great masters of the world) alphabet. And some place like Walmart would be a 23, because W is the 23rd letter in the English (great masters of the world) alphabet. You have to get above the line of 13.5 (half of 27) in order for something to be awesome. Things below 13.5 are not awesome.

Not Awesome:

• Amazon.com = 1
• Ben and Jerry's = 2
• Costco = 3
• ...

Awesome:

• Quiznos = 17
• Walmart = 23
• …

All Revenue Streams End up at Amazon

The advance 'gift card' ties you into buying all the rubbish you never wanted at iTunes. Depressing. In fact next time someone gives you a clutch full of Gift Cards for your birthday, bite them in two and return the remnants to that 'mate' who only comes round for a free drink at your birthday.