Welcome to the Mother Ship of amateur comedy writing! (Amateur means we don't pay you to do it.)
This is where the original Uncyclopedia wound up. You might as well pick a user name. We have no "partners" that want to sell you stuff. Giving your email simply lets you recover your password; we don't send spam. Uncyclopedians get a talk page, private edit area, and a welcome, maybe, if you actually edit; and we won't de-platform you for your views, if they're funny.
George Allen's Last Day
“George Allen... used to display a Confederate flag in his living room and, bizarrely enough, a noose in his office for sentimental reasons...”
Over the intercom:
SECRETARY: Senator Allen? The boys from the Mason-Dixon Moving Company are here.
SENATOR ALLEN: (Sigh) Okay, Sally, y’all send them right in.
The movers enter.
MOVER: Howdy, Senator. Everything but the furniture, right? No problem. Let’s get started, boys…
SENATOR ALLEN: Whoa, hold on! Don’t start just grabbing stuff off the walls willy-nilly! This office is full of mementos and keepsakes. This here paraphernalia is sentimental to me.
MOVER: Oh... You mean like this Confederate flag?
SENATOR ALLEN: Precisely. That Confederate flag is part of my heritage. I am proud of being from the South.
MOVER: I heard you were from California.
SENATOR ALLEN: Right. Southern California. Here’s my high school senior photo. Do you see the Confederate flag pin on my lapel?
MOVER: Yessir.
SENATOR ALLEN: My four years at the liberal Palos Verdes High School were a struggle for my independence and sovereign rights, just like the South struggling against the North in the Civil War.
MOVER: And that’s something you don’t ever want to forget?
SENATOR ALLEN: Exactly, except, without Northerners around I just had to beat up the freshmen.
MOVER: Makes sense to me. What’s this shard of broken glass?
SENATOR ALLEN: Oh, boy. That’s from when I was a teenager and threw my brother through a plate-glass window. I get misty just thinking about it.
MOVER: This postcard from Niagara Falls?
SENATOR ALLEN: That’s from a family vacation when I was a boy. I held my younger sister by the feet over the falls.
MOVER: That’s gotta take you back.
SENATOR ALLEN: Sure does.
MOVER: This X-ray?
SENATOR ALLEN: That’s from when I tackled my brother and broke his collar bone.
MOVER: Uh-huh. What about this broken cue stick?
SENATOR ALLEN: That’s from when I got in a fight with my sister’s fiancé.
MOVER: And that makes you sentimental?
SENATOR ALLEN: When I think back on the amount of force it takes to break a cue stick on a human skull, I tell you, it brings a tear to my eye.
MOVER: Now, hold on, why would you want to keep this old severed deer’s head?
SENATOR ALLEN: That? Well, heh-heh, I’ll tell you, when I was in college I was quite the prankster. One time, I put a deer’s head in the mailbox of a local black family after a hunting trip. Isn’t that a hoot? Now I keep that head to remind me to keep things light, you know? Not take it all so seriously.
MOVER: But wait, what about this giant WWII German propaganda poster that reads: “Beware the Jew Rat”?
SENATOR ALLEN: That’s a little different. I recently came to understand that my heritage is not only white people, but also Jewish people. When I looked into it a little bit more, I discovered that not only does being a Jew have a long heritage, but that hating Jews has a long heritage, too.
MOVER: Heck, that’s in the bible!
SENATOR ALLEN: Amen, brother!
MOVER: What’s this video cassette?
SENATOR ALLEN: That’s me calling an Indian boy “macaca.”
MOVER: You’re keeping this? But, I thought it was embarrassing to you.
SENATOR ALLEN: Now, you listen to me! My momma is French-Tunisian and all her whole life she called dark-skinned people “macaca.” My momma’s momma called dark-skinned people “macaca,” and my momma’s momma’s momma called dark-skinned people “macaca.”
MOVER: Oh, I see. It’s your heritage.
SENATOR ALLEN: Damn straight. I cried the night I called that boy “macaca,” I was so proud...
MOVER: Well, Senator Allen, this is quite a collection of memorabilia. I promise that we will take extra care in moving these treasures for you.
SENATOR ALLEN: I do appreciate that.
MOVER: Just one more question. What’s the noose for?
SENATOR ALLEN: Oh, that silly old thing? That’s just for hanging niggers.