Food Standards UnAuthority
Ever since King Henry I died of a surfeit of lampreys, the nations of the world have needed government bodies to ensure that food is safe to eat[1]. The American FDA, the French Department de la Cuisine, the British Ministry of Grub and the Chinese Humane Society[2] all work to ensure that the people of their respective countries eat nothing but good, wholesome food.
However, in recent decades there has been a trend for internationalizing these agencies. The logical outcome of this trend has been the creation of the world's first global food agency, the Food Standards UnAuthority.
Financed by placing an additional tax on those people who habitually complain about taxes[3], the FSUA Conference met in that world renowned capital of fine dining, New Jersey. There they formulated a list of rules for ensuring the safety, security and something else starting with 's' of food.
Rules and Regulations of the FSUA[edit]
Preamble
Food is good, and we aim to keep it that way. But there are unscrupulous people who would make food... bad. Who would store it improperly. Who would contaminate it. Who would molest it. Yes, there are some sick bastards out there, and some of them have fridges. That's where I come in. My name's FSUA. I carry a badge.
Rule 1 - Food is good, unless it is bad, in which case we are against it. We can edit this rule later.
Rule 2 - All foods shall include a set proportion of bran. Now who's holier than thou, eh, health nuts? Huh?
Rule 3 - Pizzas will be delivered within thirty minutes, or else they will be delivered free. Further, any delivery boy who disputes the timing of the delivery shall surely be put to death, and his blood shall be upon him. So spake the FSUA.
Rule 4 - Zucchini bread - in this season.
Rule 5 - Soylent green is people - and only people. Adulterating soylent green with non-human ingredients such as elves, Smurfs, Vulcans or Hungarians[4] will result in a hefty fine.
Rule 6 - Beef and veal are banned. Sorry folks, the Jews and Muslims were all for banning pork, and the Hindus were against the beef; the Middle East lost the coin toss. At least the veal ban will shut up some hippies, and whining about the enforced consumption of pork has given the Arabs and Israelis some common ground at last.
Rule 7 - All sorts of weird Asian food is banned. I mean seriously, scorpions? Snakes? Geeze, just eat a burger. Uh, a pork burger, I guess. Damned Hindus.
Rule 8 - The following whimsically named British foods are banned: toad-in-the-hole, spotted dick, bangers and mash, bubble and squeek, twiglets. Seriously, England, what is your problem?
Rule 9 - Mexican food. Banned. Sorry, Mexico, you were just outvoted. Maybe if you'd made more of that delightful chicken mole and fewer microwavable burritos there wouldn't be a problem. The new national cuisine of Mexico will be based on herring, cucumbers and Tang.
Rule 10 - Coca-Cola is a refreshing and health given beverage. We say this of our own free will and volition. Now, please let the children go!
Rule 11 - That bubble-gum you get in packets of trading cards? That's right out. It's rock hard and tastes like glue.
Rule 12 - What, they don't put bubble-gum with cards any more? What a gyp!
Rule 13 - Hot and spicy chicken that is neither hot nor spicy - banned!
Rule 14 - To Hell with all this pussyfooting around! We hereby ban sarsaparilla, broccoli, foul tasting Greek boiled sweets, glace cherries, jerky, borscht, low-cal ice-cream, hard centered chocolates, Tang, liquorice, slivovitz, all Indian confectionery, meat paste sandwiches, cucumber, any sandwich with more ingredients than a main meal, any coffee containing substances other than coffee, water, milk and sugar; American beer, Australian vodka, South African Scotch, Japanese schnapps, pizzas with the toppings anywhere other than, oh, I don't know, on top; horrible Southern US foods mentioned in Negro spirituals, herring, aniseed and Turkish delight.
Rule 15 - It looks like rule 14 wiped out all of Mexico's new cuisine. Eh, they'll think of something.
Rule 16 - Twinkies are the new national food of Andora
Enforcement[edit]
Upon the publication of this document, the FSUA immediately organised an enforcement branch, consisting of five members.
Captain Jake "Steel" Steelowicz - Leader of the FSUA Enforcers. Jake is an able leader and expert tactician. His love of safe food sometimes verges on the fanatical and he often drives his men too hard, causing friction with the happy-go-lucky Flip. His closest friend on the team is Doc, and he is secretly jealous of Rocket's closeness to Stella. His chosen weapon is a sabre.
Doctor Benito "Doc" Harkness - Neurosurgeon, physicist, home economics whizzkid. Doc has two Nobel Prizes to and five Pillsbury Bake-Offs to his credit. Doc is a deadly shot with a revolver, and carries an antique single-action revolver that belonged to his great-grandfather, legendary gunslinger Rev. Bill "The Deadly Deacon" Harkness.
Stella "The Token Girl" Garbanzo A lethal beauty whose meringue is as her stilettos. Stella is an expert in cyphers, in addition to being a cypher herself.
Flippy "Flip" Flippenstein Daredevil stunt horse rider and owner of the largest Kosher bakery in New York, Flip is the impetuous youth of the team, whose antics tend to annoy the too-serious Steel. Unbeknownst to the others, the FSUA's arch-nemesis Baron Umberto di Salmonella is really Flip's brother. Will Flip stay true to his friends, or is blood thicker than salad dressing? Flip is a world-renowned trebuchet marksman.
Wilfred "Rocket" Snettershaw An ace test pilot who doesn't much care for lacrosse. Rocket provides vital air support when the FSUA Enforcers are doing routine kitchen inspections. Steel believes that Rocket is having an affair with Stella; however Rocket has been gay since a Viet-Cong bullet damaged the heterosexual portion of his brain during the Gulf War.
Notes[edit]
^ If this was a forum, I would now be being deluged by a mass of complaints from angry libertarians. Fortunately, this isn't a forum, so suck it up.
^ Hey, a live cat's a friend for life; a dead cat's just protein going to waste.
^ Eat it, libertarians! Where's your God now? Oh, that's right, she wrote a bunch of shitty novels, then died.
^ Oddly, the delegation from Hungary did not object to this clause. Possibly this is because they were too busy laying their eggs the abdominal cavities of terrestrial life to complain.