You're Gay?!?!

WAIT, WHO'S GAY!?!!?!

Don't worry, you'll figure out what this faggot tree is soon enough.

The following is a list of common reactions to admitted homosexuality within social groups.

Wary Attempt at Objecting Inoffensively ("Dude. REALLY?")

I always thought everything they said in 8th grade was just...them being assholes, you know?

I mean, n-not that there's anything wrong with it!

I mean, like, I know it's not an insult to be called gay. Like, because, you are. Like, if I said you were gay, it wouldn't be an insult. I'd just be stating a fact. Because you're gay. And that's okay, man.

Yeah, of course it's okay with me! ...wait, wait, waitwaitwait. Hold on.

Are you trying to, like...fuckin'...

convert me or something? Because you should know better. I mean, I have no problems with you, man, but I'm not into that.

Besides, alllll this is too popular with the ladies.

Dude! You've known me since middle school; you know I come from a Catholic family. I mean, I "personally" don't "have" a "problem" with you being gay, but I'm not gay, because I can't be gay, because I'm Catholic, and if I'm gay, I'll probably fuckin'...get excommunized or whatever the fuck it's called.

I said I personally don't have a problem with you being gay, but that doesn't mean I think it's okay in the, like, moral sense.

Which reminds me...

How exactly do guys, like, do it? Okay, I know it's a fucking stupid question, shut up. Just...like, I've never thought about it. I mean, I know how guys do it with girls, but...

Oh.

Um, okay. Wow.

Okay, you want me to be honest?

You're probably going to go to hell.

Like, I don't care that you're gay, and I'm sure your other friends won't care that you're gay, but, y'know, just sayin'.

The Treatment Aficionado Approach ("Well...ahem.")

Main article: 1946 Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act

First off, I'd like to state...

that God is all-forgiving, and infinite in his love and benevolence. However, that does not make your life choice acceptable in his eyes.

Yes, as you may have heard from previous acquaintances, there is a distinct possibility of eternal damnation in your near future.

Unfortunately, your homosexuality falls into all three categories mentioned in this Shocking Tales leaflet from my church, seen above.

However, fear not! There IS another way.

As a matter of fact, there are several other ways:

• Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. (Which, may I add, you should probably do anyway, seeing as there's pretty much eternal damnation no matter what you do if you don't do this one.)
• Repent, repent, repent.
  • Closely follow this with lather, rinse, repeat, as this is a highly effective way of removing all product in your hair. This is a necessary step in avoiding re-contamination.
• Attend a recreational site devoted to eliminating unclean and unholy desires from the human body. These have proved very effective since their initial foundation in early 20th-century Europe.

Don't forget that in severe, persistent cases of homosexuality, there is always the possibility of an exorcism, which can be performed by your local priest.

...that wasn't funny.

I am highly offended by your stereotype of the priesthood.

The Overly Supportive and Questionably Straight Friend Method ("Hey, no problem!")

C'mon, man, you know I've got no issues with that! Seriously! Ahaha, come here and gimme a hug.

I'm glad you're comfortable enough with me to tell me.

See? Just look at his pecs and his biceps. They're practically GLOWING.

Seriously, that means a lot to me. I'm glad we're close enough that you can say that. I'm also really glad that you recognize that I'm not bigoted. It makes me feel really proud, like I've really made a difference. Like I could be some sort of hero to the gay community. Like an activist or something. And they'll be all like, "Look at this guy! He's totally straight, but he's totally down with us! Three cheers, rah rah rah! Yeahhhh!"

Seriously, though, what's it like?

Like, have you had sex with a guy yet? Were you top or bottom? What's it feel like? Was it anybody I know? C'mon, dish!

Speaking of which...

I do know this guy who's gay, and he's single, and I could maybe give you his number, hook you guys up on a blind -- oh, you're not interested? Yeah, that's cool, if I came out, I mean like if I were gay or anything, I'd want to just shop around, get into the field a little bit, y'know? I totally get it. It's cool.

You people are so fucking awesome.

You've got great hair and a good fashion sense, and most of you guys are really in shape. Like, with insane abs. And when you take off your shirts, there's always this glisten. I don't know if you guys reapply glitter to your torso like every ten minutes or what, but there's just this...sheen, y'know?

What do you mean, I'm being creepy?

You know I don't swing that way. Well, there was my sophomore year at Reed College.

Oh my God,

I didn't mean to mention that. As of now, you're like, the only person who knows about that. (Please don't tell anyone, okay? I can't break my parents' hearts like that.)

Speaking of my sophomore year at Reed...

Oh. I guess you'd already know, huh?

That One Guy Who Stopped Being Homophobic Like Two Decades Ago and Just Assumed Everyone Else Did Too

Is that still an issue...

that you feel the need to tell me or something or are you asking me out?