Colossus of Rhodes

The Colossus of Rhodes was famous for being one of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World and the first ever human interaction with an ‘other world life form’. It was around 290 BC when the first “Falbushtickleonians” entered our atmosphere in a 100-foot tall Special K-powered, Viagra-enriched bronze spacecraft shaped in the likeness of the Greek God “Steve”.

The likeness of this much-revered God was no coincidence. Not wanting to startle the locals, the Falbushtickleonians assumed no-one would spot the arrival of a giant bronze man as long as it resembled a man. This bold strategy paid off as the residents of Rhodes walked past this bronze giant without so much as a second glance. This left the entire Falbushtickleonian Empire encapsulated in their bronze craft, to plot their invasion strategy.

Falbushtickleonians

The physical appearance of this elegant race is virtually identical to that of humans. The only noticeable differences being the Falbushtickleonian’s lack of a head, arms, legs and genitals. Also their torso is an egg. This unique design has been both a blessing and a curse for this ancient species. It is common knowledge that this egg-shaped species have an overwhelming thirst and desire for power. The Falbushtickleonian’s insane ambition is matched only by their spectacular inability to perform any simple task or move in any way. This naturally begs the question of how this species managed to arrive on Earth in a custom-made, cereal-powered spaceship in the shape of a Greek God. This bizarre story will become clear a little later on.

Types of Falbushtickleonian

1. Queen of Falbushtickleonia – Although she has never been seen, stories regarding her rise to power are legendary. She was born with a slight crack in the shape of a crown. From this she was able to command the respect of the entire Falbushtickleonian race. There were a few doubters amongst the FBT community as to the legitimacy of her claim to the throne. The Queen however, managed to subdue this minority with a combination of white flour, margarine and caster sugar.
2. Kamikaze Falbushtickleonians – These rather dim-witted FBT’s have the annoying ability to jump out of their skin and cook themselves wherever they land. Made famous from their big screen debut in the film “Ghostbusters” where a group of them made a suicide pact and carried this out on Dana Barrett’s kitchen counter.
3. Cadburys Crème Falbushtickleonian (CCF’s) – The history of the CCF is a sad one. They had to endure years of oppression due to their smaller size and darker skin colour. Also, their inability to withstand heat led to them being banned from any facility classed as “mildly warm or above” for fear of “disintegration”. This was until the invention of the “Regg’ulator” (An innovative blue and red foil jacket) by Greggory Implausible during the Fifth Age. This allowed them to withstand temperatures up to 30c before being reduced to a pile of soggy, brown shite.
4. Genetically Modified Falbushtickleonian (GMFBT's) – This once highly aggressive FBT is responsible for many of the atrocities in Falbushtickleonia’s chequered past. Being the largest of all the FBT’s, they asserted their superior size and strength during the infamous “Crème Cullings” of the Third Age where thousands of CCF’s (see above) were slaughtered in many a horrific manner. Some of these ways included decapitation (followed by licking out the inside) and the CCF being chopped in half (each half was subsequently devoured).
5. Falbushtickleonian Agent – The deadliest and most feared of all the FBT’s. After experimenting in bacteriological warfare, they had a breakthrough. The FBT Agents had invented “Salmonella”. An evil, bacterial fusion of a common freshwater pink fish and Grammy Award-winning Jazz vocalist; Ella Fitzgerald. This devastating combination would later cause hundreds of Greeks to suffer from “mild stomach upsets” and bouts of “feeling a bit queasy”.

The Seven Ancient Wonderful Ways of Dispatching a Falbushtickleonian Agent

1. Boil an agent alive for four minutes
2. Remove the top part of the ‘skin’ and plunge a “toasted sliver of bread” into said agent until death
3. Leave the agent for 6 weeks and it will go off
4. Enter the agent into a race with its mortal enemy; “spoon”
5. Somehow obtain a “POD” (Poultry of Death) to suffocate the agent before eventually turning it into one of their own
6. Throw the agent at Jamie Carragher
7. Use a pin to put two holes in the top and bottom of an agent, blow into one of the holes to dispel their innards then decorate the agent with felt tips and tissue paper

See also

• Colossus of Barbie