Coal Helmet

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Coal Helmet
Coal Helmet
Order: 5th Chancellor of Germany
Term of Office: 1982-1998
Predecessor: Von Bobby John
Successor: Gerhard Schröder
Date of Birth: Unknown
Political Party: He was a helmet.
Profession: Coal Helmet

Coal Helmet was the 5th Chancellor of Germany.

Early Life[edit]

Mr. Helmet first saw light of day in a manufacturing plant in Koln. Before it was even a year old it was fitted it with nice nylon webbing and sent it off to work in the foetid coal mines of Kohlenbergbausumpf.

Despite working full-time down the mines Coal Helmet found time to study politics at the famous School of Hard Knocks (die Schule der Harten Klopfen). It eventually received a PhD in Lignite Science with a minor in Labour Safety.

While some have questioned Helmet's qualifications, it did in fact matriculate through the famous German university system. This alone speaks volumes about its intellectual prowess. Coal Helmet is no hollow-headed bit of headgear.

Political Career[edit]

In 1982 Coal Helmet attended a session of parliament while acting in its professional capacity as publicity headgear of Herr Wilhelm Hundeschleim. Herr Hundeschleim was then serving as a member of the Bundestag and, being a nancy-boy from Heidelberg, had taken to wearing Coal Helmet in order to look like a working-class tough. Unfortunately Hundeschleim had five liters of lager with his lunch, and set Coal Helmet on an empty seat while he went to empty his legislative bladder (gesetzgebende Blase).

Only a few minutes later Coal Helmet was elected as Chancellor. A few members of the Bundestag expressed alarm upon learning that no one was wearing Coal Helmet when it was elected. A majority, however, preferred an empty helmet to the other candidates standing for election.

Being a popular public figure while in office, Coal Helmet became one of the longest-serving Chancellors ever to rule Germany. Its deliberate and decisive moves in lowering heating costs hastened the end of the Cold War. Coal Helmet is also credited for easing some of the racial prejudices that had plagued Germany by initiating affirmative action for Black lunged people.

Preceded by:
Von Bobby John
Chancellor of Germany
1982-1998 AD
Succeeded by:
Gerhard Schröder