Carl Friedrich Gauss
“The genius tells the answer before the question.”
“Is it my name you wish to utter, or rather my perfectionist genius”
Carl Friedrich 'Punk Dude' Gauss (30 April 1777 – 23 February 1855) was a retarded German scientist and physician, who contributed significantly in many fields viz., Neuro-Destroyology, Coronary-Breakdownology, Urinary-Sabotageology, Intestinal-Malfunctionology and Skeletal-Disbalanceology. Doctors call him "All pots, jack-fruit banana", meaning that he is used in each and every field of modern retard diagnosis. He is famous for the discovery of the world's greatest formula and also devised a way to stop it. The formula goes thus:-
WOMAN = (MOTHER OF ALL PROBLEMS)*(MONEY+TENSION)
The way to stop it is by putting horizontal seat-belt over the woman's mouth. The practical application of this is that when woman's mouth keeps shut, 50% of road accidents are easily prevented. His main expertise lies in his Neuro-Destroyology studies where he claims "Et ae retium di brainum er pertoli coza stinga", which means "If you hammer on the person's head, his brain bleeds in the meninges." His theories continue to amaze retarded scientists worldwide and piss off normal people universe-wide. His General and Extraordinary Theory of Malfunction states that whenever an organ starts malfunctioning, one should consult the doctor.
He was a general fan of the baseball team "Pens n' Dicks", which had a profound impact on his life. Seeing this he was influenced to do maths and bash up people with a hammer. Thus, he asked his father for a hammer, but at that time he gave little Gauss, Assassin's Creed, and a PSP. Later on he did get a hammer after his mother was inflicted with telekinetic waves which said, "If you don't get a hammer for Gauss, he shall stop playing Assassin's Creed." Barely anyone knew that Gauss was sending these waves himself.
Early Life[edit]
Gauss was born in a stable, at the same moment when his father was horribly kicked by a horse, on his ass, as a sign of pleasure. Legend has it that Gauss was also kicked, when he sneaked up to it in order to practice his Coronary-Breakdownology theories. As a child Gauss was a big cheater and an admirer of the rock band Cool Hunks, after which he used his pseudonym 'Punk Dude'. He was always seen carrying a stethoscope, a manometer, the hammer, a notebook and an entire human brain. Legend also says that the brain had been procured by bashing someone's brains and killing him, hiding his body near a public dustbin.
As a cheater it was reported many times that when he was misbehaving, the teacher gave out of utter boredom, the students to calculate the sum of all integers from 1 to 100. Gauss immediately showed his hammer to his partner, who quickly calculated it in 2 minutes and eventually Gauss took all his credit. That uncredited mathematician roams as a spirit tearing Gauss' posters whenever he could see it. Gauss was also idolized as a Devil Incarnate by his friends. Every Saturday night, Gauss used to stand in front of a coconut tree and all friends used to circle him. Then he would cook up some raw beef and eat it in front of his friends.
Gauss was a childhood prodigy. In school, he rediscovered several theorems namely:-
1.Women must be treated with care/caution.
2.Women are not to be exposed to three things - wallet, car keys, dildo.
3.The root of all problems must be exterminated to find eternal bliss.
4.Money must be saved at all costs.
Other than this, his perfectionist physician nature allowed him to pave his way by discovering the most ingenious discoveries in the world of retarded medicinal fields:-
1.The doctor cannot be avoided by an apple. It is a blank myth.
2.The basics of all coronary diseases must be mugged up by buying a book from the black market.
3.The techniques of sabotage must primarily be castration.
4.Killing must be the last resort of a practitioner.
5.The different techniques of Neuro-Destroyology are, just using a simple hammer and using different maneuvers to K.O. your opponent.
His story also continues by mention of his pet hyena, for whom he used to hunt some game. As all the animals were afraid of Gauss' hammer, he would steal sheep or goats from his mother's farm and bash them up for his hyena to eat. He would also have a part of the meal and in the center he would light up a candle in order to make it look like a candlelight dinner.
Gauss' Hammers[edit]
Gauss' first hammer (left), was used to kill the man for his brain and many other animals for his hyena. Sadly, it broke into 999 pieces and as a sign of respect, a funeral was set up but Gauss was nowhere to be found.
Gauss' second hammer (right), was used to kill tigers and lions while they were having sex. Unfortunately it had the same fate as the first one.
Gauss' third hammer, was the last hammer, he kept throughout his life but seldom killed anyone with it.
All his hammers were a part of his birthday gifts which was in fact not grandly celebrated. As a result of which Gauss grew frustrated, sent telekinetic waves and asked his mother for hammers as a gift, threatening her that he would not play Assassin's Creed. He would then use them up to bash people at his will. The first black hammer was made in China and imported to Germany, Brazil and Australia. The model number is 556TYK1. The second green-yellow striped one was made in Japan by a company called Mutakito and imported to all the natives of Hawaii, from where Gauss' mother blatantly picked up one and claimed that she bought it for $5000. The third pink one was made by the White House in collaboration with the famous coal company Donbonn in 1726. That remained a relic, till Gauss' father went to jail for theft (you know why he did it)!
Gauss' Eventful Marriage[edit]
The sad news of Gauss' marriage made the old 40 year old Gauss instantly drop his pen and insanely run off into the jungles when he was caught by his father who was returning from jail. His father dragged him to the house and made him hug his fiancee. According to Gauss' famous journal "Le Marriz Avoidi Lezn":-
1.Everyone, don't make the mistake which I did in my life.
2.The secret of knowing a wife lies on how she behaves at the table.
3.Wives can be futile to argue with.
4.If you have to marry, select her like how you select your shoes. TRY HER ON!!
5.Never forget my formula and act accordingly.
These writings and many other formulas were discovered by his wife under the bed, in a rusty 200 year old trunk where once, Gauss used to hide from his father's belt. After a horrible thrashing Gauss used to spend his day in confinement, until his wife, Johanna Osthoff died of husband-less-ness and his daughter Louis. He then plunged into depression and wrote the book called "On Curved Lines" which after reading, Osthoff's best friend Friederica Wilhelmine Waldeck married him. He had six sons and a daughter named Therese. Eugene Gauss his son shared much of his talents and also bought a hammer. Legend says that Therese died because she was hit by that hammer while Eugene was sleepwalking. Thus, Gauss did not want his son to become talented like him because it would lower his family reputation. He wanted Eugene to become a sex lawyer and another son Wilhelm, to become an ostler.
Wilhelm and Eugene migrated to the US and drew weird paintings of their father. That painting was patented as Patent No. 419,990, in the patent office, and is used in every circus show in US. Waldeck, was worried about this and she invented the scissors. Gauss then invented the personal dustbin which can be easily used to throw household waste.
A passage from the book On Curved Lines goes thus:-
"It is obvious that the curved lines are used in many things, action and humor. We are going to discuss about the action in which it is used. The lines intersect with each other and show many negative relationships of men and women. They forget that God had made them one and separate. To measure the amount of negativity, I have devised a Gauss'o'meter which can be found in e-Bay. But beware, only this page loads very slowly as if it doesn't want to come, so have patience. To reduce the negativity, the process is called Degaussing. Thus the unit of negativity is termed as 'gauss'."
Historians have tried to bring every passages to a conclusion regarding, what it meant and why Gauss had written this. For this, three historians have circumnavigated the earth to find a place having a curved line as its feature, but in vain. When they realized the horrible truth, they retired from their profession. They were, Dr. Julius Van Dann, Mr. Korbus Richmond and Sir Nottreham. The last page of this book read :- "If you discover its horrible truth, you shall retire......ist bien pace." People all over the world have regarded it as the most inauspicious book all over the world, but retarded physicians read it still. And WHY???
Reason:- "BIRDS OF THE SAME FEATHER, FLOCK TOGETHER!"
Later Life And Death[edit]
Gauss died penniless as he wandered the roads doing simple additions for moneylenders. At times, people came to him for assistance, but the servant of the local policeman used to drive them away. One day, the manager of ICICI bank came with an offer to sell the hammers and become rich. He was so infuriated that he returned this offer with a bang on his head. Even now his body can be seen, hanging in the Museum of Natural Idiocy in Bonn, like a pendulum. Gauss died at the age of 77, with his hammers beside him. Before death, the last words he whispered to his hammers are in oblivion. Only the fact that Gauss comes every Saturday night to see them, is known; and very prominently known.